The traumatized are unpredictable

[participatory]

Who: Dr. Bedelia du Maurier, open
Where: Bedelia's office: 8th Floor, Rm. 035
When: June 15th-June 30th
Rating: PG-13 for starters, will be adjusted accordingly
Summary: A catch-all log for every walk-in appointment Bedelia will take from now until the end of the month. (Office info for prospective patients.)
The Story:  
Bedelia stands in the doorway of her office, newly created, furnished, and arranged. She swills a wine glass gently in her right hand. The sun is coming bright now through the tall window at the other end of the room. A window that, surely, shouldn't exist and isn't visible from the other side of the wall. It reminds her of her old office, nonetheless.

If someone had told her that one day, a truly extraordinary set of circumstances would lead her back to this line of work, she would not have believed them. It is hard to decide how one should feel, in a new place with a new life, going back to the same old way of things. She finds it isn't in her to feel sad, however. She has fought very hard to regain a sense of peace in any place she calls her own--especially her own office. She doesn't have it yet. Apprehension sits at the base of her skull, threatening to rattle her. She finishes her glass of wine, and forces it down.

Slowly, she makes her way to the chair which faces the doorway, and sits. She crosses one leg over the other, and brings a folder from the table in front of her to her lap. She waits.



[ooc: New patients PLEASE READ Bedelia's office info post here. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me. I will match any style you like.]

Comments

[endingpoint]

She keeps doing things like clearing her throat, shifting in her seat, and taking deep breaths before she speaks, and Jane nods slowly. "I remember...Army training. Actually, after all of my testing and capability in the field, the FBI thinks I was the first woman to be trained as a Navy SEAL. They even found a tattoo that was placed to cover up a Navy tattoo," she tells Bedelia, showing her the dark, rectangular patch job on her arm.

"But I also, um...I remember killing people. Like an...like an assassin. Like it was my job. A mission. But I don't know if I was targeting actual bad people or if my mission, or the person in charge of it just...thought it was necessary for the bigger picture."

[participatory]

"It sounds like you have made up your mind about the context behind these moments. You said you believe you may have been a bad person, and these memories are your proof." Bedelia's eyes fall to the floor for a moment as she thinks through what Jane has told her, what the best approach may be. She takes a breath.

"A monster in a film is always less frightening once it steps out of the shadows, isn't it? Because reality can never compare to the horror our minds creates in the absence of knowledge. You have so few memories of your life to go on, and what you do know suggests a lot of...hardship. I would warn you against allowing yourself to create too much horror to fill in the gaps."

[endingpoint]

She understands what Bedelia is saying, nodding a little as she thinks on the words. She's assumed a lot about herself based on flashes of memory.

"I remembered a man. Someone I was engaged to, and he found me; saved my life, actually. His name was Oscar. I let myself think he was the only person who could give me answers about my past. He gave me tasks to complete, and I never pushed back hard enough, I never questioned him hard enough. I did them because he threatened to kill Kurt. He's...someone I care about, someone I connected with. What I didn't know was that Oscar was working to falsely accuse someone of murder. Every task was planting false evidence. She figured it out though, she thought I purposefully set her up, and then Oscar killed her. Right in front of me. He shot her in the back."

Jane's only told this story one time through, to Kurt, who looked like he she'd ripped out his heart. She'll never forget that look, and Mayfair's dying words to her.

"Before she died, her last words to me...she said she just wished she could see the look on Kurt's face, when he found out what I really was." Not who - what.

[participatory]

"You carry a lot of guilt about that." It isn't a question, so much about Jane's posture, the distant look in her eyes, says enough. She has seen that look before, on the faces of other patients, victims, they feel hollowed out and full to bursting at the same time. She has known that feeling, she has seen that look on her own face.

Bedelia leans forward in her chair, resting her elbows on her knees, and tries to catch Jane's eyes. "Jane," she says quietly, trying to coax Jane back gently from inside the memories she has been recounting. "All we can do is what we think is right, what we think we must do, with the information we have. You are working with far less information than most. You did what you thought you had to do, correct?" It is important that Jane say this. It's important that she hear herself say it. In Bedelia's experience, it doesn't even matter if it's true.

[endingpoint]

Jane reluctantly looks at Bedelia, hanging onto her words and nodding slowly. "I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was protecting Kurt." Her face falls a little, though her eyes stay on the doctor.

"But...it was still lying by omission, and someone died because of that." She's ready though, to hear whatever Bedelia has to say next, to cling to it and pull herself up out of the dark. She doesn't want to keep feeling this way.

[participatory]

"It is natural to feel guilt for your involvement in what happened. And it is possible that guilt may never leave you." Her office is not the place for sugar-coating, and Bedelia knows that no matter how vulnerable Jane may be at the moment, she is strong enough to hear that.

"But that does not mean that the choices you made were wrong. How we feel about what happens to us is so rarely a reflection of what actually happened. It is a reflection of what we want, and of who we are. What you want is to know whether you are a good person. And, from what you have told me, who you are is someone who wants to protect her friends. Someone who feels true remorse for even the perception of causing harm. Do you think that is a fair assessment?"

[endingpoint]

Jane actually appreciates Bedelia's straight forwardness, and not simply telling her what she thinks Jane wants to hear. Slowly, she nods at the question, taking a deep breath and sitting up a little straighter again.

"All I've ever wanted to do is keep them safe. I liked what I was doing to help the FBI, because it meant saving innocent people. I want to be able to keep doing it, and I want Kurt and the rest of the team to remember that part."

SO SORRY it's been so long, its been a busy end of the month. I understand if you need to drop

[participatory]

Bedelia smiles, toothless but genuine. Jane is already making progress. It's the desire to be open, the desire for change that is so often the catalyst for true advancement. It often has so much less to do with her than people realize.

"That's good, Jane. Very good. And it is understandable to want others to know your side of this story, to remember the good you have done. But know that the most important thing is that you remember it yourself. Every day. Every moment. Self affirmation is difficult for most people, but it is necessary. Remind yourself, when your foundations are shaky, of what you've just said. Your friends may understand in time, or they may not. Regardless, you know what you know."