The traumatized are unpredictable

[participatory]

Who: Dr. Bedelia du Maurier, open
Where: Bedelia's office: 8th Floor, Rm. 035
When: June 15th-June 30th
Rating: PG-13 for starters, will be adjusted accordingly
Summary: A catch-all log for every walk-in appointment Bedelia will take from now until the end of the month. (Office info for prospective patients.)
The Story:  
Bedelia stands in the doorway of her office, newly created, furnished, and arranged. She swills a wine glass gently in her right hand. The sun is coming bright now through the tall window at the other end of the room. A window that, surely, shouldn't exist and isn't visible from the other side of the wall. It reminds her of her old office, nonetheless.

If someone had told her that one day, a truly extraordinary set of circumstances would lead her back to this line of work, she would not have believed them. It is hard to decide how one should feel, in a new place with a new life, going back to the same old way of things. She finds it isn't in her to feel sad, however. She has fought very hard to regain a sense of peace in any place she calls her own--especially her own office. She doesn't have it yet. Apprehension sits at the base of her skull, threatening to rattle her. She finishes her glass of wine, and forces it down.

Slowly, she makes her way to the chair which faces the doorway, and sits. She crosses one leg over the other, and brings a folder from the table in front of her to her lap. She waits.



[ooc: New patients PLEASE READ Bedelia's office info post here. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me. I will match any style you like.]

Comments

6/15

[howkickassiam]

As promised, the morning after talking to her on the network, York is knocking on Bedelia's door. He is unsure why he was so quick to jump on the offer of mental health treatment—his most recent experience with counseling was not the best. But York has been feeling the need to unburden himself ever since he has talked with Carolina again, and who's he going to talk to, Wash? He can't talk to Wash about this. Or Carolina, either. Even if this counselor turns out not to be the best professionally, he knows it will at least lead to him getting this stuff off his chest, and that's worth it.

6/15

[participatory]

Bedelia opens the door, and smiles politely. "Hello. You must be the man I was speaking to over text yesterday. I realized afterward that I hadn't actually asked for your name. Shows how rusty I've become, I suppose." She holds out her hand. "I prefer my patients just call me Bedelia."

[howkickassiam]

He takes her hand and shakes it firmly.

"I'm York," he says, sticking with his general policy around Wonderland of using his old code name. "Good to meet you, Bedelia."

He releases her hand and lopes into the room, seeing the identical chairs that face each other in the end of the room. He stops, waiting for her to indicate which he should sit in. In the meantime, he starts talking.

"It's been a long time since I've gone for any kind of counseling. Things have changed a lot since I saw anyone, and I kind of found out I didn't have any reason to trust that guy at all, so..." He shrugs. Not exactly what he meant to blurt out right off the bat, but York does have a tendency to say whatever's on his mind.

SO. SO. SORRY. I completely remember replying to this but idk what happened to it!

[participatory]

Bedelia follows York into the office and closes the door silently behind them. She indicates the chair nearest the door for him to sit in, and takes her own seat as he speaks. She picks up a small note pad from the coffee table, and balances it on her knee.

"Well, I certainly hope your experience here will be better." She smiles. She hasn't been here long but York is already not the first person to have brought up a bad experience with a previous psychiatrist. Some people in her field cannot be trusted. She came to understand that unfortunate fact many years ago.

"Other than the opportunity to speak to someone new, was there any particular reason you wanted to seek counseling again, after all that time?"

It happens to everyone!

[howkickassiam]

He sits down, setting his elbows on the armrests of the chair. "I'm the kind of person who doesn't do well bottling things up. I had a partner who I could talk to until I came here, but he disappeared when I went through the portal. So I've been kind of lost and lonely. And I figure...I was going to lose him at some point sooner or later. I don't know how well I'm dealing with it. We were...really close." He reaches up and rubs his neck, actually swiping his fingers across the port in his neck where Delta's chip once resided. Delta's absence eats at him, especially with the way Carolina has Epsilon here.

[participatory]

"I see." Bedelia tilts her head to follow the movement of York's hand across his neck, but says nothing of it. She can sense that he is being intentionally vague about the nature of his relationship with this other person, but there could be any number of reasons for that. So she simply nods.

"It can be very difficult to lose a companion, particularly if we are left without others to confide in. May I ask, how long have you been in Wonderland, and are there others here from your world? Ones who may understand your predicament?"

[howkickassiam]

"Just a few weeks. And...I don't know, this relationship was pretty unique. I think I do have one friend who might be able to relate, but we have some other...interpersonal-type stuff to sort out. You know..." He shrugs reflexively. "We were sort of involved at one point. Kind of."

Explaining the close relationships of the operatives with their AIs is coming shortly, he knows. He's not really putting it off, it's more that he knows it's pretty unbelievable to someone who hasn't run across the type of AIs that the Project were making. York rubs his chin, scruffing his slight growth of beard, and sighs.

"Okay, I guess...I'll start at the beginning here."

[participatory]

Bedelia nods, resting her pen on the notepad in her lap and folding her hands over it. It's not inconceivable that what she is about to be told is completely out of the realm of her prior understanding. That is a common thing in this place, she's finding. She has chosen to find it intriguing rather than unsettling.

"I appreciate any context you can give. Please, go on."

[howkickassiam]

"Okay. Okay." York seems to be gathering his thoughts, clasping his hands together in his lap. "I don't know what you know about AIs, but...at least where I come from, they're pretty sophisticated. They pretty much just copy someone's brain into the computer, and the AI has its own personality and stuff. Problem is that means that AIs are...you know, they can be treated like a person, so far as it comes to psychological stuff."

York sits up a little, gesturing an illustration with his hand. "So say this scientist decides he wants to copy an AI and make another one. Problem is you can't copy them. They're too sophisticated. But if he wanted to break it in pieces, he could do that. Just torture it and drive it crazy, like you would to a person. Difference is, you can actually collect the pieces and separate them. And say the scientist's whole program is to pair up AIs with military operatives to increase their efficiency and stuff in battle. Well, then you get what happened to me."

York rubs the back of his neck one more time. "Delta—he was my AI. He happened to break off with a lot of the logic from the AI, but he got other things too. Lots of anxiety, lots of...well, he dreaded everything. Thought something bad was coming around every corner. Oh, that's the other thing about these AIs—they were actually installed into our heads, through a port...so the connection is a lot closer than just having a friend or partner. You can actually think things at each other."

[naughty_nurse]

Mikan ever so slowly knocks on the door, nervous. In the other hand, she holds a journal that her other therapist had told her to use. She wasn't sure if she was supposed to bring it, or even be here at all, but this was all a just-in-case situation. So she told herself.

"Um..." She timidly called out after her knock. "I-Is this the right room...?"

[participatory]

Bedelia is in her office when she hears a small knock, and a voice that she recognizes from the network. She opens the door with a practiced smile on.

"Hello, Mikan. It's nice to meet you in person." She steps aside and gestures for Mikan to come inside. At the other end of the small waiting room is an open door which leads into the office.

"Please come in. We'll be just through this door, here."

[naughty_nurse]

"Oh... y-yes, it's nice meet you!" After a quick, formal bow, she skittishly walks inside, unsure of where she's allowed to rest her eyes. Should she treat this therapist different, or the same?

"Um... th-thank you for seeing me. I'll try not to take up too much of your time..."

[participatory]

Bedelia moves forward to gently herd Mikan into the office. It's a rather intimately sized room, smaller than she has had in the past, but clean and bright with sunlight from a large window on the far wall. Two black chairs sit facing each other, a coffee table in between. She gestures to the chair closest to the door.

"Generally I keep my appointments to about an hour, but as this is your first day, we can take as much time as you need to feel we've gotten a good start. Please, take a seat."

She sits in the opposite chair,smoothing out the folds in her skirt and picking up a notepad from the table. Her chair always faces the door, so she can see anyone coming and going. A precaution she was unable to let go, even in these new surroundings.

"I would like to start with something simple, if that's alright. Tell me how you're feeling today."

[naughty_nurse]

Despite what Bedelia says, Mikan tells herself one hour. No more than that. She cannot waste this woman's precious time. She keeps quiet, nervously fidgeting here and there until she sits down and gets asked the big question.

"... I'm nervous." Why not start out with honesty? "But, um... I-I'm also very grateful! Because you were so nice to me. So... I think I'm good today, very good."

[participatory]

Bedelia smiles at that. "That is good to hear. And it's perfectly fine to be nervous. It may take time for you to figure out if having me as your psychiatrist is helpful to you."

This next bit is very important, and so Bedelia leans forward, her hands resting on her knee, and ensusres she has made eye contact with Mikan before continuing. "To begin, I would like to make it clear that you are under no obligation to continue therapy with me if you find it detrimental in any way. Therapists often have differing opinions on types of treatment and even on what can be best for individuals. We can contradict each other. My aim, and any therapist's aim, is not to confuse you or make you feel conflicted. You may, at any time, choose to discontinue therapy with either of us, if you feel the other is most helpful. It is important that you understand you have power in this situation."

Through her interactions with her so far, Bedelia suspects power is not something Mikan feels she has in many situations, although she does not yet know why that may be. Power is something so often stripped from people, in so many different ways. She sits back in her chair but does not break eye contact as she waits for a response.

[naughty_nurse]

Mikan nods slowly as she's being instructed - it's similar to what her 'other' therapist sis, and she isn't surprised. But to her it didn't really matter. She wasn't well, so she'd been told, so she needed to be here. More importantly, someone was going to pay attention to her. But power? No, this wasn't power.

Power was holding someone's life in your hands. Helping them live, or giving them death. That was true power. This was just a conversation.

"Yes, I do." She replies because it's the polite thing to say. "I... I'll always be honest with you, I mean it. I won't try to hide my feelings."

[participatory]

Bedelia spends a moment simply watching Mikan in silence, head tilted ever so slightly. As she had suspected speaking to her over the network, there is somethng complicated happening beneath the demeanor Mikan puts forward. She can hear it in the dutiful way she speaks. Still so earnest. Trying so hard.

Then she leans back in her chair once again and nods curtly, folding her hands together over her notes. "That is good. The only way I can help is with your consent." She looks down at the journal Mikan has been holding. She'd noted it when she had greeted Mikan at the door, "I see you've brought something. May I ask the significance of it?"

June 15th

[endingpoint]

Jane's nervous, but she also knows that this is likely needed. She doesn't want this to be frustrating for a new doctor, so she knows she has to tell her everything and the prospect is...daunting. But she can't really talk to Kurt when he's the one she hurt, and she can't talk to his sister, so she makes her way to Doctor du Maurier's office in jeans and a t-shirt, chewing on the inside of her cheek. She doesn't expect to find answers right away, she doesn't even expect to be able to recall any memories, not even sure she should hope for that. All that she wants, is perspective, help with feeling like she's nothing.

Knocking on the door, she waits until she's invited in to make a move, smiling just a little.

June 15th

[participatory]

Bedelia sets aside the her notes, what little she has on her new patients, and walks through the waiting room to the front door. She opens it with a polite smile she has perfected over years of experience welcoming patients into her home.

"Hello," she says warmly. She recognizes the woman's face, and her distinctive tattoos from the network. "It's nice to meet you in person. Although I realized I had neglected to ask your name yesterday. I apologize." She holds a hand out. "I ask that my patients call me Bedelia."

[endingpoint]

Jane takes her hand and smiles a little more as they make introductions. "It's okay, I should have offered. It's Jane. Jane Doe. That's all a part of...why I'm here. I don't even know my own name."

Issues, this one has, but she just wants to be okay.

[participatory]

Bedelia allows a mild look of surprise to cross her face before she steps back to allow Jane to enter, gesturing back toward the door at the other end of the small waiting room, through which her office is visible. "That may be a good place to begin our discussion, I imagine."

She leads Jane into the office. It's not an overly large space, but the ceiling is high, and the room is well lit by sunlight pouring through the large window on the far wall. Two black chairs sit facing each other across a low, white coffee table. Bedelia gestures for Jane to sit in the chair with its back to the door. She closes the door behind them. "Will this be alright for you? I generally perfer to have a view of any exit, however, with what you've told me about your background, that may be your preference as well."

Those who have survived something, she has found over time, are often preoccupied with further survival. They are cautious by nature, always looking for a way out.

[endingpoint]

She's not wholly comfortable with her back being to the door, but she knows the exit, she doesn't think she's in danger, and she doesn't want to be difficult. So, she nods a little before sitting. "It's fine, this is good," she assures Bedelia. Your office is really nice. Usually I meet with an FBI therapist and it's more...sterile."

[participatory]

"Thank you, I tried for a similar feelng to a home office I once had." Bedelia smiles and takes her seat across from Jane, crossing her legs and folding her hands in her lap. "I've consulted with the FBI in my own world. It would seem nearly everything to do with them is sterile. Impersonal. I was never able to be comfortable there."

She hopes to begin slowly, with conversation. It's much easier on most than having her start by asking pointed questions. She reaches down to pick up her note pad from the table, noting her patient's name and the time at the top corner.

[endingpoint]

"When they brought me in, it was like I was just...one big piece of evidence. They stuck me in a room, photographed me, and then I was a test subject. That's actually how they referred to me until someone started calling me Jane Doe, and then...just Jane." She swallows a little, looking around the room as she tries to gather her thoughts before looking at Bedelia again.

"I don't know who I am. And I think...I wasn't anyone good. From what fragments I've remembered, from the things that have happened. I don't think I was good."

[participatory]

"It can be incredibly difficult to know you're being used." Bedelia frowns, thoughtful, writing down some opening thoughts and then looking up to catch Jane's eyes. "Especially when you have so little context for what is happening. To be clear, you remember nothing of your life before the FBI found you--except for a few small fragments? Tell me about those. What do you remember?"