The traumatized are unpredictable

[participatory]

Who: Dr. Bedelia du Maurier, open
Where: Bedelia's office: 8th Floor, Rm. 035
When: June 15th-June 30th
Rating: PG-13 for starters, will be adjusted accordingly
Summary: A catch-all log for every walk-in appointment Bedelia will take from now until the end of the month. (Office info for prospective patients.)
The Story:  
Bedelia stands in the doorway of her office, newly created, furnished, and arranged. She swills a wine glass gently in her right hand. The sun is coming bright now through the tall window at the other end of the room. A window that, surely, shouldn't exist and isn't visible from the other side of the wall. It reminds her of her old office, nonetheless.

If someone had told her that one day, a truly extraordinary set of circumstances would lead her back to this line of work, she would not have believed them. It is hard to decide how one should feel, in a new place with a new life, going back to the same old way of things. She finds it isn't in her to feel sad, however. She has fought very hard to regain a sense of peace in any place she calls her own--especially her own office. She doesn't have it yet. Apprehension sits at the base of her skull, threatening to rattle her. She finishes her glass of wine, and forces it down.

Slowly, she makes her way to the chair which faces the doorway, and sits. She crosses one leg over the other, and brings a folder from the table in front of her to her lap. She waits.



[ooc: New patients PLEASE READ Bedelia's office info post here. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me. I will match any style you like.]

Comments

[naughty_nurse]

Mikan probably would have started apologizing all over again, but since Bedelia asks for the story to be continued, Mikan does her best to stick with that. One guilty admission at a time.

"... Knives for laceration wounds. Hammers for broken bones. Tazers for electric burns. I prepared about ten different ones, since I knew I'd wear myself out eventually. And then many people came... people I thought of as friends. But for some reason, I never thought about them trying to escape. I never thought about them wanting to escape. So... after I hurt them, they all got away. One woman knocked me out, one man set the floor on fire, the others just ran."

[participatory]

"It never occurred to you that they would try to run...because it didn't occur to you that you were hurting them?" Strange. Were they anywhere but in Wonderland, Bedelia would suspect that Mikan was lying, or barring that, had perhaps suffered a psychotic break. She certainly could have the makings for one, couched in that troubled brain of hers. But it sounded like more than that.

Bedelia wasn't all that familiar with these "events" that seemed to take place every so often, but from what she had heard, they could be dangerous. And they could occur at any time without anyone noticing them.

"And you said that others were acting strangely as well?"

[naughty_nurse]

"Oh, no, I knew I was hurting them. I wanted to hurt them." Mikan found it difficult to keep eye contact as she relayed this story, her fingers gripping her journal so tightly that her nails began to dig in. "But I didn't think about their feelings. What they wanted. That... they wouldn't want to stay after I hurt them. All that mattered to me was healing them, and nothing else."

A hard swallow. "But other people... it was... hard to diagnose. As far as I could see, people either felt very extremely, like I did. Or they felt nothing at all. There wasn't a middle. And I felt very, very hard... and I was selfish. I couldn't think about my patients except... that they needed me."

SO SO sorry for the delay. I understand if you need to drop. Hectic end to the month.

[participatory]

Bedelia lets her eyes fall to the floor as she listens, only speaking when a few seconds of silence follows Mikan's words. "Your description is somewhat familiar, I must say. I've dealt with many people who only consider themselves in their everyday interactions. It simply doesn't occur to them to think of anyone else's feelings or desires. Like others aren't real except insofar as they affect that person."

She looks up at Mikan, and lets a softness play in her eyes. She doesn't want what she is about to say to be misconstrued before she is finish. "We have a name for these people. They are called sociopaths. Or psychopaths. I'm sure you're aware of this."

She holds up a hand, and takes a breath that should be visible, rising and falling in her chest. A cue for Mikan to stay calm, stay with her. "Is this your concern? Are you worried that the person you were then is who you truly are, deep down?"

life happens, no worries

[naughty_nurse]

Normally when Mikan cries, it's gross sobbing and flailing, desperate to have everyone know how sorry she was. But as the tears come this time, there's no noise. No movement, save for her eyes on the floor. The tears flow down her cheeks, with no clear end in sight, but it's as if Mikan barely acknowledges this is happening.

"Yes." Her voice is soft - if Bedelia was perhaps a few more inches away, she might not have heard her. "I'm scared that's the person I am... That I'll turn into that person again. And that it won't take one of Wonderland's events to bring it out... That maybe... I'm just a horrible person... and that everyone would be better off if I was dead... but I can't even end it here... because I'll just be brought back to life."

[participatory]

Bedelia is caught slightly off guard by the sincerity of Mikan's response. There is a feeling that comes with knowing you have gotten to the heart of the matter with a patient, and she feels that now, looking at Mikan with genuine empathy. She understands these feelings--she has had them herself. Ultimately her own reaction to them was quieter, hidden almost entirely, but no less self-aware. And that is the point.

"That fear you have is important. It may cause you a great deal of pain but it is what tells me that you are likely not that person you are so afraid of being. I have met my fair share of horrible people--monsters I would call them, and they are never afraid of what they are. They never cry at the thought that they may have hurt someone. They certainly do not consider suicide. Your fear is an indication that you have a conscience, that you know now that what you did was wrong."

She knows that doesn't solve everything, and is likely something Mikan has thought about, but sometimes it can be helpful to hear our own thoughts aloud, from someone objective. It helps us to believe the truth of it.