entrancelogs | I make good life choices [Open]

Entry tags:

I make good life choices [Open]

Who: Epsilon

memory_unlocked and you
Where: The bar
When: July 3rd.
Rating: Going with R for language
Summary: Obviously the first thing you do when you get a human body? Is go drink yourself into unconsciousness, yep.
The Story:

So waking up in a new room was weird, definitely, but after all the time spent as a mobile AI, the weirdest part for him is how big he actually feels.

Also pain, that's not exactly fun either but he's experienced that before, even experienced a body in the memory unit.

Kind of, but this one feels different somehow. Maybe knowing this one is actually real and not some construct that can't actually die. Epsilon also kind of neglected to tell anyone he was doing this so that's a conversation he's not looking forward to having.

So avoiding Carolina for a while?

Definitely a thing.

Which is all well and good except his first stop is the bar, because like hell he's going to pass up the chance to drink.

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It's him. He confirms that much in his reponse, and if it didn't, his voice does. Except, Epsilon's explanation doesn't really explain all that much. Not how the hell he wound up human, anyway, but that's not an issue she can deal with right now, anyway. Not, she realizes, when Wash speaks up and she realizes she is now being forced into a corner where she has to explain the Epsilon situation to him. She's been trying to figure out how since she found out Wash was here, been trying to find the right words and the right time.

This is definitely not the right time. And yet, there's not much choice in the matter.

Carolina's expression, having shifted into a glower while staring Epsilon down, shifts into something more irritably uncomfortable when she finally manages to tug her attention back to Wash. This isn't going to go well. She knows that already. She's known that no matter how she does it, it isn't going to go well, but like this? It's going to be worse.

"Wash..." She starts, making an effort to soften her voice as though that might soften the blow. Eyes darting back and forth between the two, Carolina holds her breath for a moment, exhales in a sigh, and tentatively places a hand gently on Wash's shoulder without even really thinking about it. "This isn't how I wanted you two to meet, or how I wanted you to find out about this. But... This is Epsilon." The name is stated firmly, with no hesitation, because she knows there's no going back after this. "He's from the same time that I am. It's hard to explain, but he's stable in the future. Even if he is an idiot." The last sentence is far harsher, her glare turned back on Epsilon. Ooh, she's not happy with him. Not at all. Not for fucking this whole situation up, and not for disappearing today without explanation, only to turn up later with a body while getting drunk and creating more problems.

"...This is not how you were supposed to find out either." After a moment, hands dropping to his sides before he glanced at Washington. "I mean, we're good in the future, hard as that might be to believe, but it's true.

And...I'm sorry for what I did to you. What the Director did to you..." Because it's true, and he's honestly kind of relieved it's out since hiding is going to be a lot harder now anyway.

"...So, yeah, you can kick my ass or whatever you need to do to feel better and Carolina won't interfere unless you're actually killing me. She kind of likes me too much to let me die.

I hope."

Epsilon.

He doesn't hear anything said after that, not as more than a buzz of incoherent noise while his mind spirals. Epsilon. His AI. His AI. His partner. They'd put Epsilon into his head and...

there's a crumbling wall inside his head, badly shored up, constantly leaking bits of pain and memory, except now it's broken, spilling in and he remembers how much it had hurt. They'd torn him apart. They'd told him they were dead, that she was dead and he- no- it was too much too much can't take it and he just wants to die. Spiralling down and down and dragging him with it until there's nothing good in the world because it hurts too much.

He closes his eyes and sways on his feet for a moment, then reaches up to touch the back of his neck and the torn scarred skin around his port. How bad had it been that he'd left scars like that?

Slowly he opens his eyes and stares at the man. At Epsilon. There's a blankness to his gaze, something glazed and distant. "Epsilon?"

Honestly, Carolina's doubting that Wash is going to want to do any kicking of Epsilon's ass anytime soon. She'd had the feeling this would be a lot for him to swallow, and once Epsilon's finished speaking and she settles her attention back on the other Freelancer instead, it's easy to see that she's right. The very moment he starts to sway, her arm is around his back, just in case the next time, his legs give out.

"Yeah," she confirms quietly, even if it seems more like Wash is seeking the yes or no from the person in question himself. She still can't help but feel partly responsible for this whole mess. "I've been waiting to tell you. I didn't know if you'd... want to know, or if you'd even want to meet him." Not to mention she's been wanting to protect his comfort, safety, and sanity. But she opts to not comment on that, considering how well he'd reacted the last time they'd discussed some of those issues.

"...Yeah, it's me." Not that it hasn't been confirmed already, his gaze shifting to Carolina for a moment, an apologetic look there before his focus is back on Wash, the look in his eyes one he's not sure he likes.

And there's such a contrast between this Wash and the one he's used to, also. "I was keeping my distance because...we thought it'd be better for you in the long run, but it's not ...really an option now."

But he'd have liked some time to prepare for this confrontation.

He stares at him. And it is him. He recognises that voice now. Wonders how he hadn't been able to before. It's a voice that's still in his head. A voice that keeps him awake at night, or echoes in his nightmares until he wakes up screaming. It's the voice that had sunk inside his mind as a friend and then torn him apart because he was supposed to be dead. He'd thought that with such certainty that sometimes Wash isn't sure that he's not right.

His fingernails dig into the skin around his port, a reflexive action and he doesn't know what to think, what to do. Epsilon had been his. Epsilon had tries to kill him. Epsilon had tried to save him.

He doesn't know where the laughter comes from. Takes a minute to realise that it's him making the sound. A strangled little laugh that's anything but happy. Even to him it sounds half mad, hysterical. He'd never realised he could sound like that and he can't stop it, not even when it's half sobs, a harsh rasping in his throat.

The apologetic look Epsilon shoots her way doesn't go unnoticed, and Carolina just gives him a look in return that should make it clear that they're going to be dealing with this later. There's so much she wants to say to him, to yell at him, but now isn't the time. Not with Wash here, not with Wash...

...Laughing. Eyes snapping back to Wash as the noise starts, there's a sickening feeling of dread in the pit of Carolina's stomach. A feeling that only intensifies as the laughter morphs into something closer to sobbing, though by then it's paired with the intense protectiveness she feels for Wash--especially this Wash, damaged and confused and at possibly one of the worst points in his life. Still barely thinking about it, Carolina tugs the other Freelancer in closer to herself, her arm tightening around his back in an effort to help him...feel secure, or something.

"Wash. Wash. It's okay," she tells him, keeping her voice level but with a soft edge to it. Her free hand comes around in an effort to pull his away from the back of his neck, afraid he might only cause himself damage. "I know it's..." ...No, she doesn't. She doesn't know. She knows the pain of two AI screaming inside her head, but she doesn't know what he went through. She doesn't even bother finishing that sentence. "It's okay. I'm sorry."

He can't stop, he can't. Starts scratching at the back of his neck, nails digging in to try to rip the chip out, even when Carolina's hand grasps his wrist. He has to get it out before...

Don't say goodbye- No. You know I hate goodbyes. NO.

And they're tearing him apart, and he's never good enough, never fast enough to save them. To save her. He just needs more time. There's never enough time. Everything's too complex and he knows he should be able to do it but there's ragged missing chunks of himself and he doesn't know why they're doing this to him. He's supposed to be dead. They said he died. But he's here and... why is he still here? Who is he supposed to be?

He pulls away from the person holding him and stares down at his hands for a moment because it doesn't feel real. None of it is real. It doesn't feel like his body.

"I-" His voice is a harsh rasp. Doesn't know what he was saying anyway. "I'm sorry." He should be better than this. "I just... I just need more time."

For what? He doesn't know, because everything in his head is crashing together and mixing up and he can't pick it apart.

"Christ, what did I do to you when they implanted me?" It's out before he can stop it, his gaze still fixed on Wash, his face white because what the fuck is going on.

And why the fuck can't he remember what haqppened. He remembers Alpha, all the memories, they're there. Even remembers he was implanted. But then...

There's nothing.

Nothing until he hears Alpha, hears Alpha and Washington and...

"...Carolina, what's ....I did this?"

The blood drains from Carolina's face as well as she's stuck watching Wash's reaction as he pulls away from her. Shit. Shit. This is exactly what she's been trying to avoid. She can't even keep the glint of fear out of her eyes, the worry out of her expression. Holding her breath without even realizing it, she casts Epsilon only a brief glance as he speaks before her eyes are back on Wash.

"Of course you did. Why do you think I was trying to keep you two apart this whole time?" And why the hell doesn't he remember doing this? He said that he remembered everything. She had to assume that meant what happened with Wash, too. By now, her voice has lost any of its harshness, even when her words are directed at Epsilon, because she can't find the will to be angry when Wash is struggling with this.

Even if he's pulling away, she's not going to let him hurt himself. Gently but firmly, she tries to get another grip on Wash's wrists--both of them, this time--with the intent of more forcefully pulling his hand away from the back of his neck.

"It's okay, Wash. It's fine, all right?" She tries to assure him, not sure if what he's saying is about this conversation, or...something else. "Maybe I should get you back to your room."

He struggles against her, trying to pull away from her grip and there's no recognition in his expression. Why are they doing this to him? Why are they trying to stop him he needs to get it out it breaking him apart, tearing him to pieces and he doesn't know why they're hurting him.

Even when his hands are dragged away from his neck, blood beneath his nails, he's still trying to reach it to do- to do what? He doesn't know. It's all mixed up and he can't- can't remember...

"No... no please... I- I can do better!"

Which has Epsilon moving before he even realizes it. "Hey, Wash, can you hear me?" Because if he can reach him, maybe he can do something. Granted apparently not remembering a pretty major moment is unsettling as fuck, but he'll deal with that later.

"Can you look at me?"

"You're safe, Wash. Okay?" Carolina dries, just the tiniest, barely noticeable hint of pleading in her voice. She doesn't want to see her friend like this, she didn't want this to happen... At least she finally manages to get his hands away from his neck, though the fact that he's managed to draw blood doesn't escape her notice. She'll deal with that, patch him up after he's calmed down, though.

Her mouth opens to speak again, to try to assure the other Freelancer that he is Agent Washington, that he has no one else in his head, that he's okay, but Epsilon stepping up has her mouth clicking shut again. Carolina eyes him hesitantly, unsure if him intervening will be any help, but... But if Wash recognizes him, and Epsilon is stable like he is now... Maybe it'll do something.

Staying silent, she simply keeps her grip on Wash's wrists and lets Epsilon talk, her gaze flitting between the two.

He doesn't feel safe. He feels anything but safe and he feels too much, feels everything at once, and it pounds right through his skull. He shakes his head violently, although less in response to Carolina than to the raging storm inside his head.

But there's that voice again. The voice that's almost as familiar as his own. A voice that shouldn't be separate and he doesn't know why, can't wrap his head around it. He stares at him, a small frown creasing between his eyes. "Epsilon?" he asks, uncertain and half convinced that he's hallucinating. His gaze is still unfocussed and confused. "They said they took you away."

"Yeah, they did, but you found me again later. You actually kind of saved me, Wash and that's the one thing I can't really ever repay you for." Epsilon kept his voice calm, his gaze never leaving Wash's face.

"So let's see if I can at least try to start, though."

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I make good life choices [Open]

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