and mama always said--

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Who: Faith Lehane & training students & OTA
Where: Sparring Facility, Angel Investigations, a room on a floor of your choosing!
When: Aug/Sep Catch-all
Rating: PG-13, could increase
Summary: Faith is not handling her anniversary in Wonderland very well.
The Story:

sparring facility

[ she's going easy on everyone.

faith usually asks her trainees for an extra few punches, higher kicks, or harder throws. she makes it clear that the name of the game is to walk out feeling better than when you came in, sure. but this month she takes people at their word when they tire out, instead of asking for more.

her movement's still crisp but she doesn't hit or push as hard as normal. the threshold varies per person, a mental note in faith's head to tell her who needs her to throttle back less or more. ]

hallway, pick a floor any floor

[ she comes here weekly, to this unmarked door, but it's not her room.

when faith exits, it's with freshly-made bruises and drying blood that she hasn't quite cleaned up all the way. a sheen of sweat covers her, and she's pushing her hair out of her face like it's personally affronted her. ]

angel investigations

[ she's literally asleep on that middle round couch thing. which cannot be comfortable. wake the slayer, and choose your weapon wisely... ]

Comments

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Who's counting?

[ the joke falls flat, lacking the usually swagger faith injects into her attempts to deflect. she knows it won't work here. angel can see all of the little cracks, collecting dust and dirt. he knows where to poke, knows how to get around any defense she might think up. ]

...Same shit, different day, you know?

[vampdetective]

We both are.

[Even if they don't always want to admit it. Even if he tries to insist that a year isn't much time, in the greater scheme of things. It is. Even to someone like him, it is.]

It's not the same. We both know that. Because here-- we feel like we can't move forward. We feel like we're in limbo.

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[ slow, faith nods. she doesn't really like it, but she can't deny that it's true. then, tentatively, she asks: ]

Do you know what really happens if someone dies 5 times?

[vampdetective]

I've seen it.

[Twice, at the very least.]

People lose parts of themselves. They come back-- different. Their loyalties shift.

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[ not just quiet, faith recedes a little more into herself. she has another question, but it's not one she knows how to ask. so she just nods and tries to let it settle within her.

the skin at her thumb itches, and she starts to pick. ]

[vampdetective]

[Whatever the question is, he can feel it hanging in the air between them, unformed and unspoken, and he shifts his weight as he turns to face her, hands still clasped between his knees.]

You thinking about what might happen to you?

[He's given it thought for himself, as well. He's had a few deaths of his own here in Wonderland, each one bringing him closer to that unwanted milestone.]

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[ she nods, one dip of her head. she's grateful that angel can do that so easily, but it's never not sort of ... uncomfortable. ]

Didn't feel different after, s'all. Just-- woke up.

[vampdetective]

[Sometimes, it's a little unsettling for him, too.]

The lack of feeling anything different-- that in itself can be disorienting.

[It's not what anyone expects. Most people don't know what to expect from death.]

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[ that shakes her out of the nothingness, and faith's gaze snaps up to angel's. it's so spot on, and so not a thing she'd have actually considered that she isn't sure what to say for a moment, and just nods.

it makes her think of home. of who angel will be, someday. ]

A little while ago, you know-- at home? You told me we need the pain sometimes. Think I get what you meant, now...

[vampdetective]

Sounds like something I'd say.

[Grim. Cryptic. That's him all over.]

What do you think I meant?

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Makes you who you are.

[ faith punctuates it with a shrug-- not indifference, but acceptance. she taps her chest, then. ]

People like us need something in here keeping us in check.

[vampdetective]

It reminds us that we can break like anyone else.

[Among other things. It doesn't feel right to say that it tethers them to humanity, because his own is spotty at best.]

What makes you think you need keeping in check right now?

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〈 another shrug, but this time it gives way to her sitting back and pulling one knee to her chest. 〉

Met another vamp, decided to see what he's got. Went farther than I meant it to.

[vampdetective]

[He goes still-- inhumanly so.]

What happened?

[No judgement, no accusations, but he needs to know.]

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[ she swallows and takes a breath before figuring out what words go in what order. ]

He came down to make with the moony eyes while I was giving Elena a lesson. I stepped, figuring with her there he'd collar up, and I was right about that but...

[ she picks at a stray hangnail on her thumb for a moment. it hurts to admit this and it's impossible to say out loud to anyone who isn't her present company. ]

Had that moment where Dead Girl voice got louder than mine, before Elena pulled the leash tight on him. Been awhile since patrolling or even actually putting anything down that needed putting. Felt... [ her voice drops to a whisper-- ] ...right.

[vampdetective]

[He knows that as difficult as the admission is, it's one she wouldn't be able to make to anyone else-- maybe not even to herself, if he weren't there to coax it out of her. He knows it means something, and he exhales that one confession sinks in, fills in the blanks.

He understands now.]

But you stopped yourself.

[Maybe she wouldn't have, if Elena hadn't been there. Maybe Elena was good for the both of them.]

You didn't let Dead Girl win.

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[ she hadn't been thinking of it that way at all. of course she hadn't. faith was constantly fighting to figure out what actions were hers and what actions were pure luck, and the luck column is always longer.

when angel says it that way, she can't help but look over at him. faith's brow furrows with confusion again, at just the prospect that she'd had a hand in her own life. had she actually fought against dead girl? could she have won that battle despite the voice being so loud? ]

Yeah. I didn't. [ her eyes drop again. ] So why do I still feel like I flunked it?

[vampdetective]

Because there's a big part of you that feels like she shouldn't be there at all.

[This much, he says from experience. There's a knowing edge to his voice, his own brows drawing downward, gaze darkening.

Faith isn't the only one who has another self to contend with, a part of her that she'd rather she didn't find herself at war with.]

It's hard to deal with the fact that the ugly parts are still us. We can't change the fact that they're there beneath the surface. What we can change is how much control we give them. You didn't give in. Doesn't sound like flunking to me.