entrancelogs | show me your scars (closed)

Entry tags:

show me your scars (closed)

Who: Jane Doe + Kurt Weller
Where: Kurt's Room
When: Aug 22
Rating: PG-13, could get up to R for death/language.
Summary: Jane died, and Kurt says he's fine, but he's not.
The Story:

[ The nightmares have slowed down, at least a little. She still wakes up at least once a night, but it's not with screams anymore, and as long as he's beside her, she can fall right back to sleep. It means she hasn't left his place, has lived there since Wonderland turned back to normal. He hasn't said anything about it, and Jane hasn't either. She sleeps tucked against Kurt, every night, but now that she's sleeping more she can tell he isn't.

He says he's fine, but she knows he isn't. She knows what he's doing, that he thinks he has to be strong for her because of what happened; because she was murdered and he wasn't there. He couldn't keep her safe. He'd failed Taylor when he was ten years old, and now he'd failed Jane. She knows him, and she knows he's holding onto guilt that doesn't belong. The problem is, when she asks how he is, he says he's fine. He's not sleeping, but he's fine. He's drinking more, but he's fine. She asks him again tonight, quietly after being in the garden for a while and at his usual response, Jane finally pushes back, not accepting his answer. ]

You're not okay. Why are you lying to me? If you're going to hold me to the fire every time you think I'm not being honest about something, I deserve the same courtesy.

[ She's not angry when she says it, she just sounds sad. This happened, and she can't help him. But he can't keep bottling it up, because something will give, and it won't be good.]

You need to talk to me.

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[ He said some cruel things to her when they first arrived in Wonderland; her words, by comparison, are rather tame but cutting nonetheless. She's right, he won't deny that. It's like a switch going on in his head, and now he tries to assess his reaction to everything, wondering if he's been failing her this whole time.

She died. Not him. What right does he have to feel this way? ]

You're right. You died, and you're alive. So I should get over it.

That's not -

[ She takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly. ]

You're allowed to feel the way you feel, but shutting me out? Pretending you're fine when anyone who looks at you can tell you aren't isn't okay. Kurt, I sleep with you every night. You're awake when I fall asleep. You're awake when I wake up, no matter when or how many times. You can't lie to me about this.

[ He doesn't say a single word. What the hell does she even want him to say? Does she want him to tell her he has nightmares about a burning room? Does she want to hear that he laid down in a large pool of her blood and closed her eyes with his thumb and silently begged her to come back to him? Does she want to know that he carried her dead body back to the room and sat there holding her limp hand for a whole fucking day, not knowing if she'd even come back?

How the fuck is he supposed to say any of that to her?

So he doesn't. His jaw just tenses a little. ]

So I've made this worse.

[ Yes, Kurt. She does want to know. ]

You're making it worse right now. You don't have to sit here and quietly think it was your fault, or that you could have stopped it. Something no one saw coming isn't your fault. What happened to me isn't your fault.

What happened to Taylor wasn't your fault. You do not have to spend your entire life thinking you should have done more or should have been better. You loved her. You love me. But love doesn't mean you can save everyone.

[ He doesn't really think it was his fault. Taylor wasn't his fault, either. He just feels like he hasn't done a very good job protecting the people he loves most. ]

What do you wanna hear right now, exactly?

[ Jane looks at him, and the truth is, she doesn't know. She doesn't know what she expected to happen, here. Did she want him to break down so she could hold him? Did she want him to tell her the way she told him everything she saw when she closed her eyes? ]

Nothing.

[ She has no idea what she wants him to say. ]

I know I want you to sleep. I want you to eat. I know you're not doing much of either of those, so just. Start there. Do that.

[ Jane wanted to be aggressive, but he's like a steel door reinforced with concrete ]

Okay.

[ He wonders again what it is she sees in him exactly, when he's caused her so much pain lately. In the aftermath of her death, he's not sure how much he's even done to help her. He's failing her right now, by her own admission. ]

I'm sorry, Jane. I'm not good at this. [ He reaches out for her hand. ] I never wanted to make this worse. Not after everything you've been through.

[ Holding onto his hand, she looks down at it, her thumb moving over his knuckles lightly. ]

You're the reason I can sleep, now. I just...I wanted to be that for you, too. But...maybe I can't be what you need to feel safe enough to let your guard down. Because I know you're hurting. But I'm not...I'm not good at this either, so if you won't talk to me, I don't know how to make you.

I just wish you knew that it's okay to...not be okay.

Why? Why is it okay? My sister is a mess and I can't fix it. You're in pain and I can't fix it. But if I'm the anchor, and I hold it together, that's better than being a mess, too.

Because I died, Kurt. I died, and it's okay to fall apart and let someone else be there for you. God, you're twisting yourself up, drinking, not sleeping, because you feel like you can't say anything to anyone.

[ Jane lets go of his hand, but only so that she can reach up and hold his face in her hands. ]

You are fixing me. You held onto me through every nightmare. You've kept holding me and they're getting better. But you're getting worse, and it's breaking my heart, Kurt.

[ He closes his eyes, reaching out his hands to cover hers. Maybe he should talk to her. Maybe he really does need this. ]

I'm afraid of hurting you or making this worse.

You won't. Kurt, just...

[ Her forehead presses to his.]

Just trust me. Trust me with this and talk to me.

[ He tugs her to sit on his couch, knowing this will be a longer conversation. ]

You know Sarah found you. She told me you were dead and I didn't believe her. I kept thinking it had to be a mistake.

[ Jane's already decided to keep her hand in his, giving him a tether to her, living and breathing sitting beside him.

She does know that Sarah found her, but God that hurts, too. She hasn't even really seen Sarah, and that's something Jane will have to remedy later. Her attention, for now, stays focused on Kurt. ]

You went and got me?

[ Just a small prompt for him to continue. ]

Yeah.

[ He closes his eyes tightly, taking a deep breath and squeezing her hand. ]

Your eyes were open. You were...you looked so afraid. [ He can't hold back now. ]

[ God, her eyes were open. Staring out at nothing. She remembers not wanting to be alone as she died, and then...nothing, because Alex shot her again to end her suffering.

Jane says nothing and pulls his hand to her chest, over her heart, silently encouraging him to continue, to get it out. ]

[ He clears his throat, seeing everything so clearly in his mind again as he talks about it. ]

I stayed there with you. I wanted to stay there. [ He didn't want to move from that spot. So he'd stayed there, laying down in her blood. ] Your blood was everywhere. All over me. I finally carried you home and I sat with you. I didn't know if you'd come back, Jane.

[ Her heart feels like it's shattering, knowing he stayed right there with her, and she closes her eyes tightly, swallowing against a large lump lodged in her throat. ]

But I did. And I'm here. And you made sure I didn't wake up alone.

You told me...you dreamed about me. Before you woke up?

[ Jane takes a deep breath and nods. ]

Yeah I...it must have been when I was...back, but not awake yet. It was...we were sitting in one of the interrogation rooms, like the one from when we first met. And you were holding onto me. Like this.

[ She demonstrates by holding both of her palms to his, and then interlocking their fingers. ]

We were just looking at each other and then you told me to open my eyes. "Open your eyes, Jane. Look at me." That's what you said, and then I...then I did.

[ He looks at their joined hands, pressing his forehead to hers. ]

Jane. I can't...lose someone else. [ Because he did lose her. ]

I'm sorry, Kurt. God, I'm sorry. I couldn't have known it was going to happen but if I could just...never leave, if I could change it and stay in bed with you, I would.

[ All that she can do now is wrap her arms tightly around him and pull him against her, holding him tightly.]

[ He leans into her touch, letting her hold him, wanting to be held by her as he wraps his arms around her in return. ]

[ She wants, so badly, to tell him how much she loves him, but she knows he's already overwhelmed by that. So, instead, she cradles him close to her body, running her fingers through his hair. ]

We're both here, and we're okay. We're gonna be okay.

[ He knows on some level that she loves him, and he's conflicted about wanting to hear it and feeling like they moved too fast, but he knows he doesn't want her to move out of his room. He wants her here, now. ]

I know.

[ He finally lifts his head to kiss her lips, amazed that hearing all this didn't break her. ]

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