entrancelogs | | open | You can't wake up, this is not a dream

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| open | You can't wake up, this is not a dream

Who: Bucky and You
Where: All over the mansion
When: After the event
Rating: PG; will update if needed
Summary: An arm and a cat
The Story:

ɞ Closed to Alphys: stark's not an option

[They've discussed Alphys helping him replace the arm he'd lost for the second time, and today's finally the day they attach it. It meant Bucky had to open up and tell her about some of the concerns he had; being put under, triggers, restraints, and other things, but he was ready to do it. He'd already had it worked out with Steve so that if something goes wrong, he doesn't hurt her.

He meets her at her room, knocking.]

It's Bucky.

[Yeah, this is fine.]

ɞ Open to all: i don't know what to call her

[Wonderland's doing its best to mess with his head, but Bucky's found himself in the middle of a group of people that seem to know how to help even when he doesn't know exactly what's wrong. But when they aren't around, and his head's doing all the work on its own, Bucky realizes he could use some company. He borrows Steve's dog, Dodger, sometimes and pets him or catches an hour or two of sleep with Dodger's head in his lap.

It's what bring him to the conclusion that he should ask the closet for a pet of his own. Something strong, he asks. Something fast. Something that can take care of itself. He opens the door and this comes out. It looks sad and lonely and Bucky loves her immediately.]

I didn't do anything to her. She always looks that way.

[He tells the first person who greets him as he makes his way down the hall with the cat in his arms. She's curled up, wary of everyone that passes.]

I wanted to find someone that could tell me if she's healthy.

ɞ Open to all: there's two now

[Now that Alphys has helped him out in the arm department, Bucky heads out into Wonderland in search of something to do. He'll look for someone to spar with, or talk to, though he takes a bit of time to warm up to strangers still. Mainly, he'll want to test out the arm in small ways.]

[ooc: If you want to plot or hash out any details, just hit me up at

what_he_needs. Feel free to come across Bucky with the cat or his new arm anywhere in the mansion.]

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[Bucky climbs up onto the bed, sliding up against the headboard next to Steve, one leg stretched out in front of him and the other folded under. He balances his hand on his thigh, there for Steve to take, and someday he’ll have the courage to take Steve’s hand for himself.

As for nightmares, they’ve both had their fair share, and he hasn’t learned how to handle them himself.]

No, they don’t seem to stop. [Bucky smooths his hair back with his metal hand, blinking a few times.] I tell myself they aren’t real, but that doesn’t always help.

[Looking over and seeing Steve helps. Petting Dodger or Sugar helps. Running, moving, keeping his hands busy. Anything but thinking about how they aren’t real but are based on things that have happened. Things he’s done.]

I sleep better here.

[He doesn’t think that has anything to do with Wonderland.]

[ It helps just to have a solid presence next to him, a body that's giving off warmth. Bucky may think he's cold, named as he is for winter, but the fact is that he's got a fast metabolism the same as Steve so he runs hot.

Steve could grab for Bucky's hand again, but instead he crosses his arms tight over his chest, not quite hugging himself but close enough to it. He needs a few more minutes to properly calm down, but talking helps.

Dodger isn't one to be left out, so he jumps up onto the bed and then wedges himself between them. A ghost of a smile touches Steve's mouth; he definitely isn't alone. ]

Better than in that ratty old apartment in Bucharest?

[ It hadn't really looked lived-in, and Bucky hasn't properly moved in here either. He sleeps here, but it isn't his room yet. ]

[Bucky had been expecting Steve to take his hand, was counting on it. The contact grounds him, and he knows it’s not much, not as much as he wants to offer, but now that he doesn’t have it, he misses it. He knows how to stay still though so he does. He leaves his hands resting on top of his thighs, shoulders tense until Dodger invades their space and Bucky huffs out a small laugh, rolling his eyes at Steve and the dog both.]

That was just a place. Not a home.

[He’s never settled down anywhere. Some cities he’d stay in a little longer, but then he’d move on to somewhere. Bucharest had been no different.]

It was always the people, wasn’t it?

[He rubs the top of Dodger’s head, soothed by the repetition and how relaxed the animal is with Bucky.]

All my best memories have someone in them. Different places, but I’m never alone.

[Bucky drops his head back against the headboard, eyes closed.]

It’s better because you’re here, Steve.

[ While Bucky might be surprised to hear it, Steve has a similarly difficult time finding places to call home. The Avengers compound is as close as he's gotten, but that's all gone now, ripped down by his own actions.

The thing is, Bucky is exactly right. People are Steve's home, not places. It's like he had written to Tony: My faith is in people, I guess. And Bucky is one of the first people who ever put faith in Steve, so it only stands to reason that it should be the other way around. Bucky is home, and him being here is enough to help Steve slowly wind down from that dream.

Steve feels the small shudder of the headboard when Bucky leans against it, then glances over at his friend, watches him while he has his eyes shut. ] The feeling's mutual. The reason Wonderland is bearable is because of the people who are here. I could put up with just about anything if I'm in good company.

[ He reaches out then to set his hand on top of Bucky's.

A pause, and then he comes out with it: ] I was dreaming about Siberia.

[ All the thinking Bucky’s been doing lately, mostly about Steve, always leads him back to how they are together – what he’d bring to the table if they had a relationship. He still can’t shake the feeling that he’ll never be good enough for Steve, and all the guilt that he carries is nothing to what he’s pressed onto Steve’s shoulders on his behalf. He knows it’s Steve’s choice as much as it is his own. These reminders of the mistakes he’d made, soldier or not, and how Steve still wants him, show him that if he puts effort into it, they could make a go of it. It might not always be great, but it could be good. He’d give it his all. The only problem is that he has to work up the nerve to tell Steve.

Maybe after they talk about what's keeping Steve up at night. Maybe after they have that drink.

Bucky feels Steve move, spreads his fingers and curls them around his best friend’s hand. If the conversation wasn’t so heavy, nightmares and the real life experiences that had inspired them weren’t a part of it, Bucky could probably fall back asleep like this. Steve pressed up against his side and half sitting up, but Sibera isn’t a relaxing topic. His eyes open, flick to the man beside him.]

Stark?

[It was a guess. It was what Bucky thinks of when he hears Siberia. The man's stillness while he'd watched that video, the expressions that flit across his face as he’d turned to look at Bucky, and how he’d reacted when he’d realized that Steve had known. It’s the reason the Bucky has kept his distance here. Tony deserved time to grieve and decide what he wanted to do about it all.

He hates how something HYDRA did years ago is still effecting the people around him, how it’ll continue to do so for a long time.]

Have you talked about it?

[ At this point the only way Steve's going to have any hope of getting back to sleep is if he talks about this. Bucky happens to be one of the few people who actually knows what happened on that day, having been directly involved in the trap that Zemo had set for them. If Steve keeps on holding it in, it's going to continue manifesting through his dreams. Maybe getting it off of his chest for once will help alleviate some of that.

It seems like a fair enough theory, anyway. Sam would probably be proud that he's making the effort if nothing else.

As soon as Tony's name is put forth, Steve opens his eyes and nods, heaving out a sigh. They'd tried to fix things, but it hadn't really gone as planned. He and Tony have always been known to argue, but before it had been different. They'd still been on the same side, able to put aside their differences at the end of the day. And when they worked together? They were nigh unstoppable. But now...

It's impossible to shake the feeling that something's broken and it'll never be fixable. ]

We tried. [ Steve clears his throat and shrugs his shoulders, trying to make it casual but failing miserable. ] He knew you for a while here, before all of this happened. I think having those memories of spending time with you sort of changed his outlook, but... it's still gonna take time.

[ Steve lifts his hand, the one not holding onto Bucky's, and drags it through his hair. It's damp with sweat, but at least it's starting to dry. ] He even tried to give me the shield back, but... I'm not in a place where I'm ready to use it again. Not sure when I will be. [ If he will be, but he isn't going to say that out loud, not even to Bucky. ]

[Assuming that Tony needs, and wants, his space from Bucky has kept him away. He figures if the man wants him around then he'll let him know and that's all Bucky can honestly hope for. He does think that Tony and Steve will be alright eventually. That, though, has everything to do with how Bucky sees Steve. He can't imagine anyone not forgiving him and wanting to be his friend, because no matter what Steve might have done, he hadn't purposefully tried to hurt anyone. That means something.]

Wouldn't blame him if he never wanted anything to do with me. [He glances at Steve.] He'll forgive you. The two of you will be okay.

[Bucky's always going to look like the soldier, and Tony won't ever forget watching the soldier kill his parents. He gets that. Understands. He hopes Wonderland will give them time to recover. He wouldn't hold it against anyone if they hated Bucky for something he did while under HYDRA's thumb.]

There's nothing wrong with just being Steve for a little while. [Or forever, though he won't say that out loud. They might know each other better than anyone, but Bucky doesn't presume to know what it feels like to be Captain America. Heavy? Maybe, and a whole lot more than that, and that'd be too much for Bucky. He can't imagine what it's like for Steve. No matter what Steve chooses, Bucky's on his side. Always.] Steve and Bucky. Two kids from Brooklyn.

[His fingers flex, and he leans his weight against Steve's arm.]

Would've never pictured any of this for us.

[ Billy had said the same thing, that Steve and Tony would work things out and be okay in the end. Steve would like to feel as confident about it as everyone else does, but he can't quite make it there. He knows he screwed up big time and he can't expect Tony to ever put that behind them. They've come back from arguments before, but never anything like this. Never such a personal betrayal.

Instead of weighing in on that one way or another, though, Steve remains quiet, his body tilting until he's settling some of his weight against Bucky's side. He doesn't have to account for the lack of an arm anymore, which is a nice change. Really, Steve's relieved that Bucky came to trust someone here enough to ask them for help. Especially since it turned out to be Alphys, who he likes quite a bit.

It's hard to imagine that Bucky can get away from the title of Winter Soldier any more than Steve can get away from Captain America, but they can sure as hell give it a try. Having each other and those memories of what life had been like before the serum and the war helps somewhat.

At that last comment, Steve glances over to make eye contact in the dimness of the room. ]

What did you picture?

[ Sure, he's curious. It's something they haven't talked about in a long time. It might hurt to reflect on it given how everything turned out, but Steve wants to hear it all the same. ]

[Bucky's convinced that, while they're here, Steve could have that kind of peace. The people here that knew him also respected him, they were his friends, and if he asked, they'd give him that space. It didn't mean it'd last forever, or that Steve could stop being Captain America for long, but if he wanted to try, then Bucky'd support him the whole way. Just like he knew Steve would support him if he never wanted to fight again, no matter the circumstances calling for it.

His eyes flit up to meet Steve's, blue with a hint of green that hold him there. The way it made him feel to have his best friend here, putting some of his weight on him, looking at him in a way that makes Bucky feel like he deserves some of this - it makes him think that he's come home. Steve was right. The road might've been rough, and their paths separated for a time, but it'd always come right back to this.]

Never had the whole thing worked out, but.

[Bucky swallows, fingers flexing around Steve's hand. Touching isn't always easy but this time it is.]

Figured if I made it through the war, I'd come back to you. Probably look for factory work, maybe something at the docks. [Construction or general labor. Bucky never really thought too far ahead for himself.] You, though, you'd have done something great. Every time I thought of it, that's how it went.

Always were the smartest fella I knew and you were good with your art. If all this hadn't happened, you'd have still done somethin' amazing with your life, Steve.

[Bucky could have only hoped to come along for the ride.]

[ No one ever really had everything worked out, hard as they might try. In the end it was little more than a daydream. Steve's not sure that either of them actually expected to make it back home from the war, although they'd always talked like they would back then, because facing any other possibility couldn't be an option in their minds. All of them had been good at fooling themselves and the people around them, even as everything came crashing down.

Literally, in Steve's case, seeing how he'd crashed the Valkyrie into thick layers of ice.

What Bucky actually has to say is so simple that it's hard for Steve to even imagine it now. He's thought about what his life might have looked like if he'd never been picked up by Erskine for the experiment, but it seems like some faraway dream. As much as Bucky insists that Steve would have accomplished something either way, Steve himself knows that he would have never felt truly fulfilled in his life.

He sighs and bows his head, shaking it to himself. ] Guess we'll never know. But you probably would have been cut out for something a little more involved than factory work. [ He bumps his shoulder against Bucky's. ] Give yourself a little more credit.

[ They'll never live that kind of life, but that doesn't mean they can't make something from what they do have. Steve slides down further into the bed, finally calm enough that he thinks he might be able to make another attempt at sleep. ]

Maybe.

[Point was, Bucky couldn’t picture it because he’d never had aspirations for one particular career or job. There were small things he enjoyed, but nothing that amounted to anything. He’d never prepared for the future. He’d only known that he wanted to live his life as happy as he could with his best friend right there alongside him. His eyes flick to Steve when he slides down the bed and he instinctively begins to slip down next to him, only to freeze.

He goes rigid. Almost on his side with his back to Steve as if he was planning to stay right there with him the rest of the night.]

Sorry, I..

[Bucky wants to apologize. He doesn’t know what he was thinking.]

I’ll go now.

[Still not moving, tension creeps down his spine and curls up low in his stomach. Bucky hasn’t been this relaxed in a long time and he can feel it seeping back out of him in slow waves. He doesn’t even know what he’s doing or why he thought Steve would want him to stay after they’d finished talking.]

[ There's a time when Bucky had shared this bed with Steve every night, so the concept of him staying here now is hardly strange or awkward for him. If anything, it feels like putting a piece of the puzzle back into place, but they're clearly not on the same wavelength with any of this.

Steve doesn't mean to spook Bucky or to force him into anything, but if he's reading between the lines then he's pretty sure the only reason Bucky wouldn't stay is because he thinks Steve wouldn't want him there. Which couldn't be further from the truth, but he has to be gentle about this.

He shifts his body on the bed so that his front is facing Bucky's tensed-up back, and he reaches out slowly to grip his shoulder, the flesh-and-blood one. ] You don't have to go, you know. Only if you want to. [ His voices comes out quiet and encouraging.

Sleeping isn't always the easiest thing, as his sudden awakening has already proved. It would be nice to have a warm body next to him again, a presence there to help him sleep through the rest of the night without any incidents. ]

[The bed dips when Steve moves, and if he wasn’t tense before, he is now. He waits for it. The words to slip out of Steve’s mouth, telling him it’s better that he go. That it was good to have him there to talk, but they should get some sleep. Alone. It’s what he deserves, and while he might think the world of Steve and know his best friend wouldn’t ever try to purposefully hurt him, his mind always wants to tell him the opposite.

Those words don’t come, though, and he lets out a hard, shaky breath when Steve touches his shoulder. He breathes slowly, sits on the bed with his back to Steve, not moving so he doesn’t dislodge the hand on his shoulder. Not moving closer just yet. That fear is still there, but it’s softened by Steve’s encouragement and determination. More than that, all the worry he feels is dimmed under the weight of how Steve feels about him.]

I don’t want to.

[Bucky comes down on his side as he shifts back onto the bed. Curling up with the back of him to Steve’s front, but can’t quite get the courage to press up against him. Like this they’re close, but not as close as Bucky really wants.]

Can I stay the whole night?

[His voice is soft, low and quiet, and he’s still tense though he’s actively trying to get his body to relax.]

[ As expected, then. All it had taken was some sort of confirmation from Steve, and Bucky's laying down properly in the bed. Steve lets out a barely audible breath, relieved to have him here after what feels like a long wait. He's been patient, he thinks, but it seems almost inevitable that they'd end up back here.

Whether or not it's platonic, it doesn't really matter. They'd done this even as kids, setting couch cushions on the floor so they could lay side-by-side and talk all night. ]

Course you can, pal.

[ Their bodies are close to each other (two super-soldiers can only fit on a bed of this size so well), but not actually touching. Not for now, anyway. Steve doesn't see a point in pushing the issue, and he's fine to take this slowly. Just having Bucky there is enough to make him feel better about his chances of falling back to sleep. Dodger remains curled up between them, which only adds to the relative calm that's fallen over the room. ]

Good night, Bucky. [ Finally, Steve lets his eyes fall closed, lets his body ease into the mattress a little more. ] Sleep well.

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| open | You can't wake up, this is not a dream

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