entrancelogs | black then white are all i see in my infancy [closed + open]

Entry tags:

black then white are all i see in my infancy [closed + open]

Who: Frisk and a few closed prompts + a few open ones!
Where: Alphys's lab, by the vendors, maybe more?
When: 11/01 - 11/08-ish (may be subject to change)
Rating: PG-13 for children in peril, suicide ideation, depressive mindset, and bad decisions
Summary: Shit happened. Someone give this cast an intervention.
The Story:

[A hot oil-slick of numbers running through their mind in a burning cacophony does not lend itself to anything but pain, bright and blazing. It cuts into their teeth and their tongue and the inside of their cheeks - or maybe that is simply them biting deep into the flesh in their mouth to taste the warm tang of it to remind themself that they are not simply numbers they are not simply numbers they are not simply numbers they are real.

It crests in a burgeoning wave. There is no tide there is no pattern there is no regularity there is no respite it simply is and it tears through them, every jerk and wrench of their body shuddering in its place like hot marks shearing them open.

They can taste blood.

Is it yours?

Or mine?

It does not matter.]

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Of course, my child. You are always welcome, for as long as you need.

[She reaches over, slowly, to rustle Chara's hair affectionately. They probably need some cheering up, but... she's still not sure how else to really help, even though she's sure it must still be bothering them.

Maybe changing the subject might help, if only slightly. Take their mind off it. Ask something she was curious about.]

You know, I have not heard of humans having magical ability in a very long time. Even back then, I do not think I ever really learned how they came across that ability...

I hope you do not mind me asking, but... what is your magic like, Chara?

[They're not sure why they're apologizing. Chara said some things that Frisk supposes were meant to be hurtful, but they didn't really hurt at all. Maybe that's just because nothing hurt. Does it hurt to do stuff like that? It must hurt on some level, but Chara didn't seem to mind.

Or Frisk was just terrible at recognizing it if they did. Like they said, though. It doesn't really matter.]

I don't know. I don't really think about what it was like much.

[But they don't think about anything but the thoughts that cross their mind idly, like detritus floating down a river.]

[They take in a breath, ready to backpedal, ready to cushion it with a "yeah, that was too much to ask" or a "just kidding," but she doesn't say no. They're ready to try and shave off the corners of it, round it off with "just for one night" or "I'll sleep on the floor, I won't take up any space" or "ha ha you can just tuck me under the bed like an old box of comic books," but she just... says yes and leaves it at that.

Mostly leaves it at that.

She asks about magic.

Chara looks away, twisting the ends of their sleeves.]

I know you only thought it a meaningless parlor trick, but... that thing I can do with the Knife. We had suspected that maybe... it was... well, it's silly. We don't know a thing about what human magicians were like, but... during that event where the mirrors roamed free and duplicates spilled in from all over, Frisk met a Chara who could use magic. So they thought... they could get some for me, too?

But it's... broken. Wrong. It should not exist. When I try to use a spell, all that comes out is some sort of vile white nothingness.

* ...You went to a lot of places that the mirrors can't see.

[Outside, somewhere. They guess. Maybe the gardens? The flowers are nice to look at.

...Maybe high-up places. Maybe somewhere with deep water. Maybe deeper into the woods than Wonderland wants you to go. Maybe the place where narcissuses grow.]

* But I can't really say anything about that. I wasn't watching.

* Even so... I'm sorry. When I did see, it looked like you were suffering terribly.
* At least now... it's not so bad to sacrifice happiness if it means nothing can hurt you at all, is it?
* I think if I could be like that, I'd even... I might want it to last forever.

* Sorry, that was morbid.
* You'll be yourself again soon.

That is... strange. I do not know much about what the bullets created by human mages are like, but I have never heard of anything like that.

If some other version of yourself could learn magic, though... then I do not understand why you would not be able to. Perhaps you just need to... practice?? Hm.

[Toriel doesn't seem to sound too sure of herself as she says that- after all, in her experience, having to practice for something like that isn't something monsters generally have to do.]

Wasn't so bad.

[Maybe they can only say that because they can't look back at the experience with any sort of strong emotion. It must not have been so terrible, really - if it was, they would be able to feel something, wouldn't they? Fear, or regret, or something.]

It doesn't feel like LOVE. I don't know how it feels.

[LOVE was feeling nothing, but only to a certain extent. Certain things still leaked through, didn't they? There were moments where they hesitated, where they fell for a skeleton's false MERCY.

Maybe they're remembering it wrong.]

[He gives his head a slow shake.]

she already remembered. not like she could really forget, not for long.

[Alphys will probably never forget a second of everything that happened in the lab, everything she did. And as for the older stuff, well--even with her, it doesn't stay buried long. Especially not with Sans around, being a constant reminder, dredging things up even when he doesn't mean to.]

chara got to the vendors before i could talk 'em out of it. think they wanted to...feel like they were helping.

[He was planning on offering his drawing, but it sounds like that wouldn't have been enough. The worst part is that they have no way of knowing what memory Chara lost.]

you know you'd do the same for any of us.

[Of course Chara did it. Chara's been away, hasn't even come near them in the interim. And Frisk - ha ha, they know better than to inflict themself on Chara at the moment. They'd be nothing but a cruel reminder at this point.

One of those precious memories. Which one? The sounds of Asgore pleading quietly for them to stay determined? Asriel discovering them lying there on the ground, face-down, and asking what their name is? The whispers of a plan, or a failed surprise pie, or any of the countless others that were valuable to them.

They'd assume it was their fault. They'd pay even that insurmountable price.

For their sake, Frisk hopes it was a memory of the surface.

They can't even refute his words. They look away with an expression of distaste - or perhaps it's one of anger. Their face seems to be having trouble settling on any one thing.]

Are they okay?

* It's better than LOVE.
* It's LOVE without any cracks in the armor, isn't it?

* You don't need to feel anything. Seems like you couldn't if you tried.
* You can still reason. You can still make choices. You're still Frisk even if you're not determined.
* You're still good, okay? Despite everything. You suffered, and you might not feel bad about it, but you didn't do anything wrong.

[Are they still Frisk? Who is Frisk? A determined child, someone who never gives up. And stripped of that, stripped of everything...what are they now? They might as well be nothing at all.

They wish they could feel something in response to that. A sense of loss, or pain. Something. But there's nothing there, nothing at all. Just a hollow pit where any sort of remorse or longing has been scraped away. They can't miss being Frisk. They can't even remember missing being Frisk.]

No.

[They shake their head. It's a logical deduction.]

Frisk stays determined.

[That was the one thing every Frisk had in common: determination. And without that...they might as well not be Frisk at all.]

must've been scary, though. just seeing it, i mean. or at least unsettling.

[It always is after all, or it certainly was in September when duplicates kept showing up. He never saw another Sans except for his Mirror, but seeing all those Frisks and Charas and--haha, well, that one guy--was all pretty damn unsettling.]

[It's also pretty obvious just how unsettling it was for Chara, given their reaction when he got there, and given how they're acting now. Nothing like bringing that existential crisis back home.]

[But. Alright, then. Now he has a pretty clear picture of what happened.]

back during that event in september--i heard you'd been fighting with other versions then, too. so...

[His voice quiets a little.]

you want to destroy yourself that badly. it's just that this time, there was collateral damage. this time it was frisk. this time the effect that sorta thing has on others was literal and visible.

[You get to a point of self-loathing where the effect it's having is either invisible or irrelevant. You can't see it, you question it, or you just don't care.]

it's almost funny. was telling frisk almost this exact thing not too long ago. there's never anyone who can hate you as much as you hate yourself.

[He doesn't know what he was expecting, in all honesty. The idea that Frisk might be different in the wake of having their "Determination" taken out of them wasn't a surprise, but seeing it in action, hearing how dead and flat their voice is, hurts on a level he didn't think they could reach.]

You don't look glitched like Alphys described when we talked. I suppose that means the... procedure was a success?

[God, what if this is permanent? It can't be, right? The souls always dimmed a bit after extractions, but they always bounced right back over time. It always ended up fine. But...something like this has never been attempted on a live human before. Hell, there was a chance the procedure might have just outright killed Frisk.]

[He knows what emptiness feels like, and he's not sure he wouldn't prefer the other thing.]

it'll get better. [He has to say it, even if he has doubts.] your determination will come back over time. it's self-replenishing, after all.

[He says it, but he doesn't actually know. Determination was never his point of study, not really. It was an incidental byproduct of their work back then. Alphys is the Determination expert, and he's not even sure if she knows.]

...i'm sorry, frisk. we shoulda thought of a better way.

[He gives a heavy sigh.]

'bout as well as can be expected. pretty clear this was all a real bad mistake, but you know how they are. you're the same way. they're blaming themselves.

[He looks at Frisk for a moment in silence, trying to keep track of the glitching and static. Trying to see if there's anyway to predict when or if they're about to blip to the other side of Wonderland.]

they've been avoiding you, right?

[It sounds like they haven't even spoken to each other since it happened.]

I guess it was.

[So they've been sitting here, looking at leaves and flowers and feeling the cold air with the crisp scent of fall on the breeze, and trying to muster something inside them that would react to any of it. Some sense of enjoyment from being out here, or annoyance at how chilly it is, or something.

But there's nothing there. There's just nothing there.

There's something else they should say, maybe. Something...polite? Yes. That makes sense. They consider the words they have available, count them out carefully in their head, and say, polite and distinct with their eyes lowered (as a good child should be):]

How are you?

[...people say that, they know. People would say that all the time. It gets better, I promise, they'd say. Ordinarily that would inspire a thrill of resentment, but now they...find they don't really mind. Don't really care what it is he has to say.

There's not even a scrap of hope when he says they'll replenish, whatever that means.]

It's okay, [they say automatically, even if they don't really mean it. It's hard to mean things if you can't feel them. But they know that's what you're supposed to say when people feel bad for hurting you. It's okay.

It doesn't really matter.]

yeah. just some math to triple-check, then we'll be good to go.

[They're all running on barely any sleep and way too much coffee at this point too, so maybe quadruple-checking wouldn't be a bad idea either.]

[Something twists in his soul at Frisk's words. God, they're...not even holding back anymore. Not even trying. They've completely abandoned any facade of being even remotely okay. They just want it to...end.]

[God does he get it.]

because that won't fix anything. because we don't want that.

[It was, wasn't it? They'd thought it'd be funny, dressing up as Chara. Like they could swap sweaters, and have a good laugh about it, and it'd be fine. Hilarious, even. Maybe even become a ghost again, and drift around the way Chara did, more or less.

Even then, the justification is weak to their ears. A stupid idea, and now they all get to pay for it. Ha ha, it's fitting, isn't it?

The next words emerge from their mouth in an atonal, mechanical hiss:]

10145: * You felt your sins crawling& on your back.

[Of course she didn't mean it that way. She has no moment of thought towards his physical capability, but she knows this is eating her up inside. Even looking at the blueprints makes her want to throw up and sends her head swimming. She doesn't even know how he can stand to be here without feeling like his SOUL was going to vibrate apart from sheer stress.

Then again, he's always been better at holding it together than she was. For better or for worse.]

Y-Yeah. I mean, uh, I'll take your word for it. Here.

[She gestures to the blueprints spread out on the table, if he'd like to take a look.]

I just need to, uhm, figure out an order for this. I sort of just, d-did things as they came together last time, it was a lot less, uh, organized. Which, uh, isn't g-good right now, so...

[God, she's awful at this. She's just awful.]

Okay. Okay. Y-You get toolkit. I'll figure out sizing and placement and m-make sure this thing's gonna fit in here.

I would think it is obvious.

For monsters, magic is an expression of the soul, is it not?

[Creatures made entirely of love and magic, creatures who can communicate with the shapes and patterns that pour out of them. Frisk offers them the gift of magic, holding up the promise of being... like that. Of being capable of something that can be understood. Something that can warm like fire magic can.]

That's all my wretched excuse of a SOUL has within it. All I'm capable of. You can't expect a broken thing to produce anything whole or helpful, can you?

[It makes sense, doesn't it? They were born wrong, they've always been broken. All they've done is destroy. What else would you expect their magic to look like?]

* Frisk...

* Sometimes, Sans isn't lazy. Sometimes Mettaton is selfless. Sometimes Asgore and Toriel aren't softies.

* You can't...
* Ha ha.
* I know human SOULs boil themselves down to a single trait and nothing else, but you can't be just one thing every second of every day.

* Sometimes Frisk wasn't determined enough to make sure the bad half of the anomaly didn't hurt anyone.
* Sometimes Frisk wasn't determined enough to reach their Save File.
* Sometimes Frisk had to sit down on a bench next to a quiche, and not get up for a very long time.

* But...

[They pause, wipe the mirror of all the writing that's crowding it. Probably shouldn't be talking so much, in fact, but it's been such a long time since Frisk stopped keeping the mirror smashed. It's been such a long time since they were willing to put up with this Chara. Even if it's annoying or they're being a loudmouth, this... ha ha, this might be the last time Frisk permits their presence. Once their determination comes back, it'll probably be back to the old routine.

So... better get it all out of their system, huh? Not like they can go and reset and relive the times they had with Frisk! Only one chance to actually try and make a difference. Don't waste it, Chara.]

* Despite everything, it's still you.

[Maybe, they guess. Maybe Sans isn't lazy all the time, and Mettaton isn't selfish all the time. But they are always something. They're not just big balls of nothing, everything good or interesting scraped clean and leaving nothing but a pitted black hole.

Maybe that's too morbid a thought to have? They're not sure what their objective reasoning there is worth. They think they might have contested a lot of what they're saying, stuff about there being a "bad half" of the anomaly. They're not sure there is one. They're pretty sure the anomaly is just one big lump.

They do know one thing, they're sure. The Mirror is wrong.]

No, it's not.

[Spoken without the barest tremor of inflection. It's a flat admission.]

There are lots of Frisks out there. All different. Some younger. Some smaller. Some monsters.

But they're all determined.

[And they're...not.

That hardly makes them a Frisk at all.]

Please, do not talk about yourself like that. That... may be the problem, actually.

Magic is an expression of the soul, yes, but... it can be more complicated than that.

Have I ever explained to you more fully, how exactly monster magic works?

[If Chara has magic now, and if this seems to be a problem... then it seems like it'd be a good conversation to have.

[They don't mean it. But of course they don't. God, it's like without Determination they've lost their entire soul.]

[They could have done better. They should have done better, but...what other options were there? What could they have even done? Maybe the vendors would have offered a better cure if they'd offered more payment. Or maybe there was some other scientist here, or a healer, someone they didn't consult who could have fixed it.]

...do you want me to leave you alone?

[This is Wonderland, as far as he's concerned. This is all Wonderland. It's almost always Wonderland, the first thing that's worth blame before anyone else. Chara wanted to destroy themselves so badly that they didn't even think about or care that Frisk might be in the way. They're already judging themselves a thousand times more harshly than Sans ever could. And all Frisk did was wear a silly Halloween costume. And this is the result.]

[He's not sure where that line is from, but it sure seems to be applying to everyone right now.]

you didn't do anything wrong. and chara just made a mistake. a bad mistake, but still a mistake. only thing to blame in all this is wonderland.

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black then white are all i see in my infancy [closed + open]

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