black then white are all i see in my infancy [closed + open]

[determinedest]

Who: Frisk and a few closed prompts + a few open ones!
Where: Alphys's lab, by the vendors, maybe more?
When: 11/01 - 11/08-ish (may be subject to change)
Rating: PG-13 for children in peril, suicide ideation, depressive mindset, and bad decisions
Summary: Shit happened. Someone give this cast an intervention.
The Story:

[A hot oil-slick of numbers running through their mind in a burning cacophony does not lend itself to anything but pain, bright and blazing. It cuts into their teeth and their tongue and the inside of their cheeks - or maybe that is simply them biting deep into the flesh in their mouth to taste the warm tang of it to remind themself that they are not simply numbers they are not simply numbers they are not simply numbers they are real.

It crests in a burgeoning wave. There is no tide there is no pattern there is no regularity there is no respite it simply is and it tears through them, every jerk and wrench of their body shuddering in its place like hot marks shearing them open.

They can taste blood.

Is it yours?

Or mine?

It does not matter.]

Comments

[fulllifeconsequences]

I would think it is obvious.

For monsters, magic is an expression of the soul, is it not?

[Creatures made entirely of love and magic, creatures who can communicate with the shapes and patterns that pour out of them. Frisk offers them the gift of magic, holding up the promise of being... like that. Of being capable of something that can be understood. Something that can warm like fire magic can.]

That's all my wretched excuse of a SOUL has within it. All I'm capable of. You can't expect a broken thing to produce anything whole or helpful, can you?

[It makes sense, doesn't it? They were born wrong, they've always been broken. All they've done is destroy. What else would you expect their magic to look like?]

[didntknowbest]

Please, do not talk about yourself like that. That... may be the problem, actually.

Magic is an expression of the soul, yes, but... it can be more complicated than that.

Have I ever explained to you more fully, how exactly monster magic works?

[If Chara has magic now, and if this seems to be a problem... then it seems like it'd be a good conversation to have.

[fulllifeconsequences]

...No, ma'am. You have not.

[At the very least, it will be a nice change of subject. Something a little more neutral than Chara's endless and inexhaustible supply of self-loathing. Toriel always did seem to be her happiest when she was teaching someone something, right?]

Please, explain it to me.

[didntknowbest]

[Toriel nods, also somewhat grateful for the subject change, as she begins to explain.]

Magic can take many different forms, depending on the monster using them. Often, this has to do with the type of monster using it. Froggits can create frog or fly shaped bullets, or a Vegetoid might make ones shaped like vegetables... as I am sure you are aware, boss monsters are somewhat unique with their ability to create fire.

[She raises a hand, and creates a small plume of warm, gentle flame, flickering softly in her palm.]

Generally, most monsters tend to stick with their inherent magic- mostly because it is next to impossible to simply change. There is no way I know of to change how your magic looks through practice alone. You may be able to make more complicated or faster bullet patterns, but that is all.

The only way for magic to change, is for who the monster is as a person to change. Magic is an expression of the soul, and a reflection of your identity- and if you change your identity, then you may find that your magic has followed suit as well.

An obvious example would be that many monsters who've chosen to pursue combat and try to protect others may find that they have the ability to create new bullets. I've seen magical hammers, swords, and spears, that a monster certainly was not able to create before they chose to follow that path.

I've seen monsters who have fallen deeply in love make a show of sending patterns of heart-shaped bullets towards each other, or monsters who became obsessed with working out displaying magic modeled after their muscles. I have also seen monsters who are rather depressed and sad expressing their magic as tears.

Do you understand, my child?

[fulllifeconsequences]

...Monster magic is only malleable if the user changes.

[They saw the way Asriel's magic changed. Some of that may have been the influence of the SOULs he'd taken in - dance slippers, fried eggs, a firing revolver... none of them seemed very Asriel. But his magic as Flowey had been... very empty. Basic formless little bullets that said nothing about their wielder. Just... oblongs. Thorny vines. Human fingers, very human weapons like cartoonish nukes. Only a single hint of the fire magic he used to know.

With every SOUL in the Underground behind him... the flames came back, in the way Chara remembered. But everything else was quintessential Asriel. Stars. Rainbows. The ridiculously grandiose attacks he gave to his self-insert.]

Then... are you suggesting that if I were to change, perhaps my magic would not be so broken? If I were someone else, then it would take another shape...?

[didntknowbest]

You do not need to 'be someone else', Chara. As I said, Chara, that might be the problem.

Broken, wrong, and nothing... if you think these things about yourself, then... I suppose that it would only make sense that your magic would follow suit.

[It isn't something pleasant to acknowledge, and she... hates having to talk about it out loud. Her general response to Chara feeling like that is to just try and drown it out in positivity, after all.

Which of course, she's immediately going to do, as she takes a knee, reaching over to slowly rest her hands on Chara's shoulders.]

You are not any of those things though, Chara, even if you think you are. People care for you, and love you. And just because something goes wrong, that doesn't undo any of that.

If you can learn to love yourself as well, then I am sure that your magic will change to reflect that.

[fulllifeconsequences]

[They -

They laugh.

They just start laughing.

It's bad, it's inappropriate, it's like laughing because you poisoned Asgore with your stupid idiot pie. But they laugh. They can't even think of anything else to do, any other way to react to the very notion that they could conceivably love themself. They have to squash down the inexplicable, nonsensical urge to react in a manner so extreme and incomprehensible that she's driven away completely. Take the paws that cautiously rest on their shoulders and crush them into dust. Just - just scream. Do something so repulsive and weird that she leaves and never comes back.

They grasp their sleeves instead, twist them into knots.]

I think it would be more feasible to be someone else, ma'am.

["Myself" isn't the friend Asriel wanted to have. Isn't human, will never be good enough to be a monster. Only ever made things worse for the people it wanted to help. Myself was a scary mask for Frisk to hide behind, a pair of creepy red eyes that flickered in to frighten away others.

No-one will love them the way they are.]

You never hear of a dog learning to love its fleas. A deer learning to love the ticks slowly devouring it. A rat that loves the heartworms making it waste away! I cannot see anything worth loving any more than the people I've preyed on should!

[didntknowbest]

[There it is- that false, hollow laugh, that Toriel has become all too familiar with, both due to hearing it from them, and hearing it come from herself. Guess children do take after their parents, even if they aren't biological! Ha.

Toriel wants to laugh too, now. Because really- isn't it so funny? Despite all her best attempts, Chara is still... still saying awful things like this about themselves. She's not accomplishing anything! Ha ha! She's a terrible mother!!

That's not funny.]

You are not any of those things, Chara. [She repeats it, because it helped so much the first time, after all.

Don't laugh out loud. She may not know what they do need, but she certainly knows they don't need to hear that sound coming from her, too.]

...Come. We should get you set up in my room for the time being. I am sure that we can get a bed for you out of the closet.

[fulllifeconsequences]

...Very well.

[They should - they should be above the temptation. They should be independent. They don't deserve to act childish, to demand any attention after they've behaved so horribly. But... they take one of the paws on their shoulder. Don't crush it into dust. Just... hold it. Just quietly anchor themself to their mother's warmth.

Try to ignore the guilt. The tearing-in-half indecision, the irrational tug-of-war between knowing you deserve nothing and nonetheless being so foolishly starved for comfort and companionship. They should be above these selfish indulgences. If you know you're a tick, why are you still being such a bloodsucking parasite?

But all the same, they hold Mom's hand.]

Thank you, ma'am.