| closed | we look up at the same stars

[readytocomply]

Who: Bucky and Steve
Where: Various
When: After the event
Rating: Will update as needed
Summary: Catching up and figuring things out
The Story:

[One hundred and seventy-five days - over six months - half a year - since he'd woken up in that orchard.

Time meant something different for people like Bucky and Steve. In and out of cryo, decades under ice. They haven't talked about that, the displacement, but he knows Steve understands how he feels. They don't have to talk about a lot because, somehow, Steve always knows. He knows when he needs company and when he doesn't. Knows what to say when Bucky's head is twisted up. Bucky's convinced that there's not really anybody else that could get him like his best friend does. They grew up together. Years and war and violence didn't take away what made them them.

It wasn't always easy, Bucky blames himself for that. His guilt, what he does and doesn't think he deserves, it all puts pressure on how quickly he adjusts here. He'd had time before Wonderland, it hadn't been enough. The days here have been good for him, mostly, better than a lot before it. He's opened up to a few people, and even put himself out there, but there's a cycle he seems to have fallen into. Start to let someone in, hold the walls down just for a second, and then push the other person away. They deserve better and he deserves less. He hates that he's this way but he can't figure out how to stop it.

He wants to let people touch him - he used to be tactile, enjoying affection and attention - now he flinches away from it. Bucky's found himself in situations here that allowed for it, briefly, and even though he'd been happy with it in the moment, he'd regretted it after. He could hurt people that get too close and he should have been strong enough to keep to himself. He might need people, but they sure as hell didn't need him. At least he tells himself that. But Steve's stubborn, a constant. He's right there, never far. Most times, Bucky could stretch out an arm and touch him. He doesn't, but he thinks about it sometimes, wants to. He stays in Steve's room, still, and will until Steve doesn't want that anymore. Curled up on the couch with Dodger and Sugar, sometimes tucked between the wall and a piece of furniture on worse days, and more often now, curled up by Steve.

It's a good day today.

He wakes up naturally, and it's disorienting, though not unwelcome. Bucky remembers what he'd asked Steve, replays that conversation over and over in his mind - all the others after it. He's realized that he's been looking at this all wrong, listening to Steve but not letting it sink in. This isn't, couldn't be, something brand new or a fresh start. There's too much history and honestly, Bucky doesn't want that. He asks the closets for a bottle of its finest alcohol and two glasses, setting them on the table in Steve's room. Bucky texts Steve to ask him about getting that drink, tells him to meet him in his room if he's available. He'd considered the fifth floor bar, but it was too out in the open for Bucky to ever get comfortable. He even tries to look nice, as good as he can without a mirror, hair pulled back into a bun, and showered. It's probably not the best he's ever looked, but it's a start and Steve likes him the way he is. No pretenses.

When the door open, Bucky's standing, shoulders tense though he tries to relax.]

Hey, Steve.

[His eyes flick down to that bottle and those glasses, back up to blue with a hint of green.]

Comments

[assembles]

[ It's not always so easy, but it really is the best thing to do in a situation like this -- to clear your mind of everything else, every other concern at the edges of your thoughts, and enjoy. Steve struggles with it himself, but he has the benefit of experience for once. He's done this with Bucky before and knows just how relaxing it can be, if he allows himself to let go.

That curse from Bucky causes Steve's mouth to twitch. If he's reacting like that, then that must mean that he's having a good time, maybe to the point that it's overwhelming. Bucky will have to take time after they're done here and decide how he feels about all of it, since it's not that easy to examine that sort of thing in the heat of the moment.

And heat is definitely the right word for it, with the way that Bucky is all over him, mouth and hands exploring his body with just the right mix of confidence and uncertainty. No doubt Bucky has done this before in some context, and he might even have the memories of it swimming around in his head, but it's been a while, and Steve doubts it's ever been with another man before. But they can take it as slow as they want. ]

Technically, we did.

[ Steve doesn't know that reminding Bucky of that is the right move, but he says it warmly, watching with hooded eyes as Bucky removes his shirt. If he's reading the situation right, and he's pretty sure that he is, then that's an invitation.

Steve moves his hands around, keeping them steady as he traces the lines of Bucky's chest and torso, reacquainting himself with a body he's had the pleasure of touching a number of times before. There's definitely a lot more muscle on Bucky than there used to be, the result of HYDRA's experimentation and the fact that he'd only ever been used by them for one thing. Steve hardly minds the difference, though, and eventually he slides his hands up to Bucky's shoulders and down his arms, trying to reinforce that the artificial arm doesn't bother him either, that he isn't shy about touching the metal.

He lifts his head and meets Bucky's gaze, smiling briefly. ] Glad you're up to speed now, though.

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[Bucky's brows furrow together, a soft and confused crinkling that shows that, for a second, he doesn't understand what Steve's talking about.

Steve says it fondly, like it's a good thing, but Bucky doesn't remember ever doing this before. He realizes pretty quickly that he's referring to the last time he'd been in Wonderland. Him, but not him, the different version of himself that Steve had fallen in love with. Bucky doesn't know if it should bother him, but he kind of thinks of it like everything else - just because he doesn't remember it happening, doesn't mean that it didn't.

He'd be insecure if it weren't for Steve handles it all. Bucky's not a replacement, just older and different, but still him. He doesn't like not knowing how Steve wants to be touched or kissed, or being so far behind when it comes to any of this, but they're working through things one at a time and he'd always thought love would be something like this.

Breathing gets a little difficult as fingers drag down both arms, his metal arm only sensitive in a detached kind of way, but as he lets his eyes fall shut he can almost feel it. Warmth and pressure, Steve's hands carving out insecurities with each pass.]

Yeah, me too.

[Bucky cups the side of Steve's face, pausing just to look at him, cement in his mind Steve's expression and the color of his eyes, the pink of his kiss bitten lips. He leans in to press their foreheads together, then their mouths, tugging gently on Steve's lower lip.

His hands grow impatient, shifting to drag rough fingertips across Steve's sides and stomach, pulling at his shoulders to get him to lean up into Bucky. He wants more, though he doesn't know of what or how much. Steve treats him like he deserves all this and, if only for the night, he wants to feel like he does. He doesn't know what to do or where the lines are, but Steve does and Bucky will soon, too.]

[assembles]

[ There's definitely a few seconds of uncertainty from Bucky's end because of that reminder that they're not exactly on equal footing here. Steve has some experience that Bucky doesn't, but it's not like he won't hang back and wait for him to catch up. Besides, the first time around Bucky had been from before the fall, when all of his memories had still been intact, and Steve had been the one way out of his league.

It doesn't seem like Steve's words scared Bucky off entirely, and relief washes through him when he gets that confirmation. So he hadn't screwed things up completely. Slowly but surely he's learning what he can say and what he should stay away from.

When Bucky catches Steve's face with his hand, he goes still, meeting his eyes and holding his gaze as they take each other in. They'd spent most of their lives prior to the war together, so Steve doesn't know how sometimes it can feel like he's seeing Bucky for the first time, but it's an exhilarating feeling, one that starts his heart racing.

He isn't going to say no to another kiss and he's more immediately bold with using his tongue this time, sliding it into Bucky's mouth as he leans forward and shifts his hands down to Bucky's hips, holding him in place. It's not hard to follow his touch, to read Bucky's subtle physical cues and give him what he wants, even if he's taking care to keep away from anything below his belt until he's given permission to do otherwise. Steve doesn't know if they should move that fast anyway, and he's perfectly happy to keep kissing Bucky like his life depends on it. ]

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[It seems wrong to compare Steve to any one before him, they'd all been women so physically it's not the same, but as he kisses Bucky, tongue slipping into his mouth as his hands riding low on his hips, his mind can't help but to remind him how different this all is. He'd never wanted to make this last. He remembers that, can't pinpoint why he didn't want those women to linger in his bed for long, never really pictured spending the rest of his life with any of them, where with Steve he can't imagine a life without him in it.

Bucky's lip trembles against the warm press of Steve's mouth, and a small, shaky breath slips out between them.

He doesn't mean to break the kiss, to go from hot to cold and back again, but he can't figure out how to get out of his head for long. The fingers cupping Steve's jaw flex and his thumb traces gentle lines as Bucky rubs his palm along the curve of his eyebrow, squeezing his eyes shut and pressing his cheek to Steve's in frustration.]

I'm sorry, Steve.

[There's a subtle pause before he slides both hands around to grip at the back of Steve's neck and his shoulder. Bucky's body wants to keep going, and by all accounts, he doesn't really want Steve to stop, but emotion is warring with desire and he needs them to be working together.]

Stay. [He didn't know if he wanted to go much farther tonight, but he didn't want Steve to leave him either. Bucky didn't want to watch Steve crawl into his bed alone as he curled up on the couch by himself.]

[assembles]

[ This already went further than Steve would have expected, so he isn't surprised or disappointed when Bucky cuts him off. They've done some experimentation, enough to give Bucky something to chew over in the coming days as he sorts out what he wants. Not that Steve expects him to pull back on this now that he's gotten a taste, but they don't need to rush into anything.

All the tactility still has its effect on Steve as well. He closes his eyes when Bucky touches over his face, then leans back against his palm as it settles at the back ofh is neck. He's warm and thrumming with mild arousal still, but if they lay here together he knows his body will eventually relax. And then they can sleep.

Even if they're piled on top of each other on the couch, Steve doesn't care. If anything, it reminds him of earlier days. ]

You got it. [ He says it quietly, practically a whisper, as he shifts his body around so that Bucky can comfortably lay on top of him. There's no other way that the two of them could fit, but Steve's more than capable of bearing Bucky's weight.

He directs Bucky's head so that it's resting against his shoulder, and then lets some of the tension ease out of his body. After brushing a kiss on the top of Bucky's head, he asks: ] Good?

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[They're too big for the couch any other way, but Steve makes it work, letting Bucky curl up against him, head on his shoulder. The consistent beat of the heart under his ear, and Steve's steady breaths, ease Bucky's body back to a state where he can relax. Bucky makes a soft, amused sound at the way they're laying, resting his hand on Steve's chest.]

Yeah, I'm good.

[He's tired, actually, feels like he could go to sleep this way.]

Thanks, Steve.

[Bucky tucks himself closer, as best he can, letting Steve's warmth seep into him, closing his eyes. His thumb rubs back and forth, tracing idle patterns across Steve's chest as sleep begins to pull him under.]

[assembles]

Don't mention it.

[ Steve's aware that they probably look ridiculous right now, but no one is here to see them save for Dodger, and he doesn't think the puppy cares too much. There's something peaceful and calming with only having to worry about each other for a little bit.

The way Bucky's strokes his thumb over his chest helps Steve to calm down enough to sleep, and the heavy warm presence on top of him isn't hurting either.

Soon enough Steve drifts off too, to have one of his better nights of sleep in a long while. ]