entrancelogs | | closed | we look up at the same stars

Entry tags:

| closed | we look up at the same stars

Who: Bucky and Steve
Where: Various
When: After the event
Rating: Will update as needed
Summary: Catching up and figuring things out
The Story:

[One hundred and seventy-five days - over six months - half a year - since he'd woken up in that orchard.

Time meant something different for people like Bucky and Steve. In and out of cryo, decades under ice. They haven't talked about that, the displacement, but he knows Steve understands how he feels. They don't have to talk about a lot because, somehow, Steve always knows. He knows when he needs company and when he doesn't. Knows what to say when Bucky's head is twisted up. Bucky's convinced that there's not really anybody else that could get him like his best friend does. They grew up together. Years and war and violence didn't take away what made them them.

It wasn't always easy, Bucky blames himself for that. His guilt, what he does and doesn't think he deserves, it all puts pressure on how quickly he adjusts here. He'd had time before Wonderland, it hadn't been enough. The days here have been good for him, mostly, better than a lot before it. He's opened up to a few people, and even put himself out there, but there's a cycle he seems to have fallen into. Start to let someone in, hold the walls down just for a second, and then push the other person away. They deserve better and he deserves less. He hates that he's this way but he can't figure out how to stop it.

He wants to let people touch him - he used to be tactile, enjoying affection and attention - now he flinches away from it. Bucky's found himself in situations here that allowed for it, briefly, and even though he'd been happy with it in the moment, he'd regretted it after. He could hurt people that get too close and he should have been strong enough to keep to himself. He might need people, but they sure as hell didn't need him. At least he tells himself that. But Steve's stubborn, a constant. He's right there, never far. Most times, Bucky could stretch out an arm and touch him. He doesn't, but he thinks about it sometimes, wants to. He stays in Steve's room, still, and will until Steve doesn't want that anymore. Curled up on the couch with Dodger and Sugar, sometimes tucked between the wall and a piece of furniture on worse days, and more often now, curled up by Steve.

It's a good day today.

He wakes up naturally, and it's disorienting, though not unwelcome. Bucky remembers what he'd asked Steve, replays that conversation over and over in his mind - all the others after it. He's realized that he's been looking at this all wrong, listening to Steve but not letting it sink in. This isn't, couldn't be, something brand new or a fresh start. There's too much history and honestly, Bucky doesn't want that. He asks the closets for a bottle of its finest alcohol and two glasses, setting them on the table in Steve's room. Bucky texts Steve to ask him about getting that drink, tells him to meet him in his room if he's available. He'd considered the fifth floor bar, but it was too out in the open for Bucky to ever get comfortable. He even tries to look nice, as good as he can without a mirror, hair pulled back into a bun, and showered. It's probably not the best he's ever looked, but it's a start and Steve likes him the way he is. No pretenses.

When the door open, Bucky's standing, shoulders tense though he tries to relax.]

Hey, Steve.

[His eyes flick down to that bottle and those glasses, back up to blue with a hint of green.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ These days, there are times when Steve wakes up early for his jog and has to climb over Bucky's sleeping body on the bed next to him to get dressed. It's not every day, not yet constant or routine, but it happens, and that's a marked improvement from when Bucky had first arrived here, missing an arm and looking shellshocked. They've been climbing their way back up to a point that they'd been pushed from, and Steve doesn't mind taking the lead. He never has.

All the same, he's still taken aback when he finds the text on his phone, Bucky asking him out to a drink just like they had discussed on the rooftop months ago. Steve smiles down at his phone, the sort of expression that would have spurred someone to ask him what he was looking at if anyone had caught him.

And, well, they're not necessarily going out since Bucky simply asks Steve to meet him at his own room, but that's fine. They don't need to make it into some sort of event. They'd always kept this on the down low, and that doesn't need to change now.

Steve steps back into his room, looking Bucky over as he greets him. He looks good, his body as whole as it can get, his expression clear and maybe a little hopeful. ] Hey. [ Steve steps over, inspecting the bottle of liquor that Bucky's picked out for them. Or maybe the closet did, who knows. ] Any special occasion, or were you just in the mood?

[ It's not like there has to be a reason. Steve decides to cut through the tension he can sense around them by going to take a seat on the couch. ]

[Watching Steve walk in the door knowing that this was something more than just the two of them hanging out made all the difference. It eases some of the tension, helps to relax him into the situation. That, added with how easy Steve is around him, leaves Bucky thinking he made the right choice to do it spontaneously.

Bucky opens the bottle and pours the amber liquid into the glasses. It won't get either of them drunk, but he doesn't mind that so much.]

Figured I was takin' too much time. [He pauses, that's not quite right, and shakes his head side to side.] No, it felt like the right time.

[Lifting the glasses, he sits on the couch near Steve, and hands him one.]

And I don't need anymore. Time, that is.

[He takes a sip, holds it in his opposite hand so he can the other on top of his thigh - there so Steve can take it, if he wants.]

You were right. About everything.

[Another small sip. Maybe it bothers him a little more than he thought that he can't actually feel the effects and have some liquid courage when he needs it.]

But don't let it go to that big head of yours. [He says with a small smile.]

[ Steve could get them some alcohol that would actually have an effect on them, but he's pretty sure that it's better this way. A lack of inhibitions and a loose tongue is probably the last thing he needs in a situation like this, even if they're both trying to be relaxed and casual about it.

Maybe some time in the future they can get drunk off their asses together like back when they were kids and one drink would be enough to leave Steve plastered. But that's a long way off, probably.

He takes the glass from Bucky and has a testing sip, nodding in approval when he feels the burn of it going down. This is the good stuff, he can tell that much even if he's no connoisseur.

Steve raises an eyebrow at Bucky saying he's right about it all, a smile stealing onto his lips as soon as that follow-up comment comes. ] How am I not supposed to let a statement like that go to my head? Come on, Buck. [ It's funny primarily because he's one of the most modest people you could find.

He takes another sip and then settles back against the couch, watching Bucky curiously. ] So, what made you realize the error of your ways?

[Bucky leans over and sits the glass down. He shifts to sit up a little straighter, both hands in his lap now. It's like he's a goddamn kid again, all nerves and no charm, struggling to figure out how to do this without screwing it all up. He can't remember what happened, if anything, that morphed him from that kid to the man he'd been before the war, but he could use some sort of self-assurance to help him with this.

On the one hand, it's nice to feel that way, almost normal, and on the other hand, he'd love some of that confidence he'd had back in the forties. The thing is, though, that Bucky knows Steve wants him to be himself - whatever shape that might come in. That takes away most of the pressure and Bucky's got to deal with the rest on his own.]

You did.

[With Wonderland's help, not that he's going to thank this place and jinx anything.]

I've met people here. Nice people. [He presses his teeth to his lower lip, glancing over at Steve.] Affectionate people.

[Those that were flirtatious, open, kind, generous, and a million other things he didn't deserve. All qualities and characteristics that have helped Bucky see what's always been right in front of him.]

It hasn't been bad, Steve, but they aren't you. Nobody can read me the way you can. I don't trust myself around other people, not in the way I do with you. I know you'll always be there. High or low. [Til the end of the line. That won't ever change, Bucky knows that.] You..

Steve, you've gotta know what I'm tryin' to say here.

[ It's the charming, effortless smiles that Steve remembers most about Bucky, that rough Brooklyn accent that he always managed to make sound appealing when he was chatting up a girl. Sure, there had been a time when they were younger and Bucky didn't have that confidence, but it's him in his later years that's more imprinted in Steve's mind.

Shades of it might start to show eventually, once a few of those layers of uncertainty and trauma are scraped away. Steve had seen it in Bucky during his last stay in Wonderland, and he figures it's probably only a matter of time, now.

It's not like Bucky will ever be that person again, but Steve's changed plenty too. It doesn't matter; they still fit together.

Honestly, Steve would like to hear more about the friends that Bucky's made here, but he can sense that now isn't that time for that. Not when Bucky's struggling to get all of these words out, and not when those words seem to be in the shape of some kind of confession. Granted, Bucky had already laid out his feelings for him during their conversation on the roof months ago, but this is a little more concrete.

There's a moment of silence as Steve lets everything sink in, before he leans forward to set his glass down on the coffee table. ]

Pretty sure I do, yeah. [ He glances down at Bucky's free hand, knows that it's an offering. ] I think I'm gonna have you take the lead this time, though. You know... [ His eyes flash, something almost playful in them. ] For once. [ It's usually Bucky who's following Steve as he leaps into some dangerous situation, after all.

Not that this should be dangerous. For Steve, it's just retracing steps he's already taken. ]

[Whether he wanted Steve to take the lead or not, it's all on him now. Bucky appreciates that he's being given the chance to choose what happens, when it happens, and it says a lot for where things can go between them that Steve trusts Bucky enough to let him lead.

He rolls his eyes, sliding closer on the couch until he's pressed up against Steve's side.]

You know, I was kinda hopin' I'd say some sweet words and you'd swoon into my arms.

[After a drink or two just for the sake of keeping up the pretense of their 'date'. He's not sure what he would have said if he'd had even tried that route - maybe complimenting Steve's eyes, something like that. A physical feature that's always been the same and that the serum hadn't changed, even if time had.

Bucky reaches out and takes Steve's hand, draws it into his lap. It's not too much, he still wants to be careful and show the other that nothing actually has to happen, no matter who is pushing things along.]

You're a hell of a lot bigger now, but I could still catch you.

[They could just ignore that Steve was slightly taller and that he probably would rather do the catching or maybe he wouldn't. He's never been in this situation with Steve before. Bucky runs the fingers of his regular hand along Steve's palm, tracing each line, and he finds himself distracted by it. The simple way they're touching.]

[ Even if it's delivered in a dry tone, Bucky still makes a joke, and Steve will never get tired of that. He smiles briefly and leans into Bucky too, so that they're pressed against each other, each holding a small amount of the other's weight.

When Bucky reaches for his hand, there's no resistance on Steve's part; he simply allows himself to be moved, eyes shutting for a moment as he focuses on Bucky's warmth and solid presence next to him. He's never wanted to let on how much he's missed this, never wanted to make Bucky feel bad for what he couldn't always provide.

Now that he has it, or at least some part of it, though...

Still, he has a reputation to obtain, and so Steve's eyes flit open as he smirks at Bucky, struck suddenly by how close their faces are to each other. ] You think so? Well, we might have to test that theory sometime... I'll have to get my best swoon ready. [ Steve's not sure he's ever actually swooned in his life, except maybe around Peggy Carter. All the same, he does trust Bucky to catch him when he falls, which is as cliche as anyone could get in this situation, but it's still the truth.

Steve's hand twitches as Bucky's fingers trace over the map of lines there. He has to get used to being touched by him all over again, but it's hardly a chore. ]

You'd better.

[Bucky's eyes flick up to meet Steve's, and he hadn't even realized just how close they were.

For a moment, everything had faded away and all he'd felt was Steve. The warmth of his body pressed against him, how he holds his hand still and doesn't pull away when Bucky touches him. It should be overwhelming, just how much Steve trusts him. It should be harder for him to be this close to someone else, to touch and be touched in returned. There's a lot of things he thought this would be, how it would feel, and it's none of that. It's better, sweeter.

He knows, right then, what he's going to do, but he doesn't rush in.

Bucky slips his fingers free, and shifts slightly to the side, reaching up to touch Steve's cheek. He nibbles his lower lip as they glide over the other man's jaw, gaze flitting between Steve's mouth and eyes. He could outright say what he wants to do, what he's going to do, but he doesn't think he has to. He gives Steve the time to choose.

Inhaling, uncaring of the angle he has to move his upper body into to make it work, he leans in and kisses him. Light at first, and as all the tension leaves his body when their mouths meet, he sighs softly.]

[ At one point in Steve's life, he would have never been able to guess at what was going to happen in that moment. He'd had little clue of what it was like to be kissed, seeing how he couldn't get a girl to pay attention to him for more than a couple of seconds.

Now, though, he's actually done his fair share of kissing. Or he's making his way toward it, anyway -- he's got some years to catch up on. Still, he can see it coming in every little piece of Bucky's body language, especially the way that Bucky's eyes scan over him.

That doesn't stop his heart from leaping halfway up his throat when the kiss actually comes. They've done this before; Steve knows the feel of Bucky's mouth, he knows how he tastes. Despite that, it's fresh to him, yet another victory, even if it's one he's achieved before.

From that point on, Steve lets instinct take over, his arms lifting so that he can grip Bucky's shoulders, both flesh and metal, and hold them in place. Bucky sighs against his mouth and Steve makes a small, approving noise in response. He isn't going to do anything too bold with the kiss, but he does let his eyes fall closed as he moves his mouth against Bucky's, brushing their noses in the same motion.

It's been a long time coming, and he'd like to savor this for as long as he can. ]

[He hadn't considered doing something like this with Steve before because they'd always been friends first. Then the war. Everything that came after. They were friends, it's what defined him. Steve was the person Bucky knew would always be there for him and he'd never once allowed himself to think of, or act on, anything that could mess that up.

Now he's grateful for the time Wonderland has given him. Time that allowed him to consider how he really felt without any pressure to be quick. Knowing that Steve had romantic feelings for him, and that the relationship they'd had before was an extension of their friendship and didn't exclude it, is part of the reason he can do this now. Simply knowing that Steve wanted to give it a shot, but would never try to make him do anything, lets him ease into this as if they'd done it a million times already.

That sound goes right through him, curling up low in his stomach. It's something that he caused and Bucky could live happily the rest of his life on that one sound. He revels in the way Steve grips both his shoulders, he always worries that his metal arm would be a problem. His kisses are light, and he breathes slowly, soaking up and memorizing the way Steve's mouth feels, the tickle of his nose brushing against Bucky's.

Somewhere during that first couple of seconds, something inside of him shifts, breaks up and lets him go. It's the best he's felt in years but it's overwhelming. He wants to keep going, needs to keep going, but he has to catch his breath and he knows Steve won't push. His hand shakes and he draws back from the kiss, tipping down and pressing his temple to Steve's cheek. It's a little awkward, he's too big to be curling himself up into Steve's space, but he does it anyway.]

Think I might be the one swoonin'.

[The teasing helps and he huffs out a light laugh.]

[ There's definitely a sense of something being put right here. Steve's never talked about it with Bucky since his return, but apparently he'd been holding onto feelings for him for a while and had just never felt he should act on them. The time and place and circumstances had to be right, and Wonderland had afforded them that. Then taken it away, then given it back again. It's a little dizzying, but what's happening right now is definitely one of the high points.

It's not surprising that Bucky needs a break, and Steve certainly doesn't hold it against him. This is overwhelming, and also brand new for Bucky. Besides, there's something to be said about the simple physical closeness that follows. When Bucky leans up against him, bulky as he might be, Steve automatically lifts his arms to wrap around him in a hug. He ends up lifting his head so that he can settle his chin against the top of Bucky's head, letting out a small hum of contentment.

One of his hands slides up and down the broad plane of Bucky's back as he enjoys the moment, his lips still tingling from their kiss. ]

Can we swoon in unison?

[ He's not sure how much further this is going to go, or if anything else will even happen from here. But he'd be happy to just sit like this with Bucky for the next few hours and chat about unimportant things. ]

[Right then, when Steve wraps his arms around him and holds him close, Bucky wishes it wasn't so hard to say how he feels.

While that kiss opened him up, tumbled down a few walls, there was still something blocking up the path from his brain to his mouth. It means a lot to him that it's so easy to make himself vulnerable like this. Curled up with his back to the room, tucked up against someone else, and not quite as focused on being ready for some threat that his mind tells him is always there. Steve's done that and he doesn't know how to tell him.

At the same time, nobody knows him the way his best friend does. Sure, they've got years to sort out and neither of them are the same, but if anyone can tell how Bucky feels even when he can't say it, it'd be Steve.

All that aside, he might not know how to form the words, but he knows he enjoys the way this is all going and his body does, too.]

Might be a bit dangerous, but I don't see why not.

[It's on the tip of his tongue to tease some more, but he's kind of busy nuzzling in against Steve's throat, tipping his head a little bit further to press his lips to Steve's pulse point. Bucky runs his fingers down Steve's chest, slow and measured, accustoming himself to touching Steve that way.]

[ There's plenty that doesn't have to be said between them, that's just understood without any words required. Steve is all too aware of how much of a show of trust this is, for Bucky to put himself in his arms and allow himself to relax. He views it as a gift of sorts, something that he hopes he's earned through patience and support.

Maybe one day it will come easy, and it won't feel like Bucky's actively putting his heart in Steve's hands for safekeeping. For now, though, this is good. This is better than good. ]

Good thing we know how to handle danger, then. [ That's an understatement, but Steve wants to keep the conversation light for as long as possible.

Steve expects little more than some nuzzling at first, so when Bucky starts kissing up his throat and then drawing his fingers down his chest, he's not entirely prepared. His eyes fly open for a moment as he sucks in a breath, but then relaxes into Bucky's touch. ]

Someone's getting bold. [ He doesn't want to dissuade Bucky, though. Quite the contrary, actually. ] Not that I mind. [ Bucky's obviously curious and Steve's happy to let him do whatever experimentation he feels like. ]

[Bucky's fingers play down the lines he can feel under Steve's shirt, eyes falling shut as his lips trail upward to press light kisses along Steve's jaw. He's making his way slowly back to Steve's mouth, cutting a path that grows a little more determined with each kiss.]

Have I ever told you that you talk too much?

[Maybe not recently, but he's sure he's said it before. Not that he's ever minded, and they've got an easy banter going along with what they're doing that Bucky's been enjoying, but he'd rather just kiss him now.

Which he does, punctuating the end of his sentence by covering Steve's mouth with his own as he lifts up a bit more. His hands slide across Steve's shoulders, one curling in the hair at the back of his head, fingers stroking in a way that's meant to be soothing if only for himself.

He's not trying to push Steve either, parts his lips, but doesn't take the kiss much further.]

[ With Bucky both exploring and appreciating Steve's body, there's nothing to stop the way that he heats up, something that starts in his face and moves down his throat. He can feel it pooling in his stomach too, the press of Bucky's lips and the caress of his fingers reminding Steve of other times, working him up.

Well, if he gets too excited, he can always bury that down and deal with it himself later. This is the first time Bucky's doing any of this, so Steve definitely doesn't want to push him into an uncomfortable area. He'll do his best to downplay his arousal.

Not that that's the easiest thing when Bucky keeps kissing him and touching him. Right as Steve's about to challenge him with a comment about how he could find ways to get him to be quiet, Bucky does just that, closing the distance between their mouths again.

Steve's hands move up to the side of Bucky's face, brushing over the stubble on his cheeks and jaw, and then holds him in place as he kisses back. They've made out before, plenty of times, which means that it's hard for Steve not to start making use of his tongue in all this, but he's always been good at self-control when necessary. And right now, it seems pretty necessary.

As an alternative, Steve just keeps planting kisses on Bucky's mouth, soft and gentle and tender. ]

[He can tell that Steve's holding back. At first, he needed it and to a degree he needs it still, but Bucky's always been the kind of guy who appreciates enthusiasm. He kind of wants Steve to put a little attitude, passion, into the way they're kissing but he doesn't. The logical side of his mind tells him it's because Steve's being careful, treating him right, and the less rational part tells him it's because Bucky's not doing a good enough job. It has to be his fault, if it's ever anyone's. He's isn't inspiring Steve to take those soft and gentle kisses and shift them into something deeper.

Knowing he really should just talk to Steve, but stubborn enough to not want to, Bucky decides to show him that he wants to keep going, and that he wants more than kisses - even if he doesn't think he can go all the way yet.

Bucky tips back to look Steve over, drags the pad of his thumb across Steve's lower lip, runs his hand down his stomach and plays with the hem of his shirt. He really was beautiful, and Bucky remembers thinking Steve was beautiful before the serum, too. He wonders if how he feels has anything to do with how much he loves him or if it's all tangled up together, if attraction and emotion were all part of the same thing. They had to be. The longer Bucky looks at him, the more he can find to appreciate, the more he wants to touch and kiss him.

Bucky slips his hand under Steve's shirt, moving until he can he feel hard, warm skin. His eyes flick to Steve's mouth - ]

Kiss me, Steve. [He's a little breathless, exhaling hard before he manages a raised brow and a small smirk.] Like you mean it.

[Because he does want this. He wants to feel normal. Bucky wants Steve to do this with him and he can't stand the idea that Hydra has taken everything from him, even something like this. He's not going to break, his expression implies, he can handle this, and when he can't, he'd let Steve know, if his best friend can't tell first.]

[ It's hardly due to lack of interest or desire that Steve isn't going at this with more vigor; it's all about consideration, about making sure that Bucky is as comfortable as possible. Right now, Steve considers himself offered up for Bucky to do whatever he feels like doing, and that's something he's definitely taking advantage of now. The thumb over his lip, the hand dragging down his chest, and Steve really is having a hard time just staying still.

When Bucky's hand snakes under his shirt, Steve's back goes straight and he shivers, the warmth of his palm against his abdomen provocative and enticing. He's about to vibrate right out of his skin in his attempts to not just jump Bucky and end this agonizing build-up.

As if Bucky can read his mind, he gives him the go-ahead then. Like you mean it, as if Steve doesn't mean it. He always means it. He's an honest person, and that shows in the way that he handles intimacy too. Now that he finally has permission, he can shed all of that passive behavior and really go for it.

So his hands slide from Bucky's face over his neck down to his shoulders, a bracing grip. Once they're positioned right, Steve leans forward to kiss Bucky again, and while it's all chaste enough at first, testing and sweet, he doesn't take long to get his tongue into the mix too.

He already knows what it's like to kiss Bucky with all he's got, so this is more like coming home than anything else. Steve inhales and then gets to work, swirling his tongue around inside of Bucky's mouth, pressing against Bucky's tongue and sucking at it, digging his nails lightly into Bucky's shoulders.

It took some time, half a year or so, but they're back here again. ]

[Bucky used to think he was on the verge of splitting in two. Back when he'd failed the mission given to him. A time when the soldier was more dominant, and the man who he had been was fighting a losing battle. He would wake up as Bucky and the asset would whittle away at his memories bit by bit until Bucky was gone again. Some days were bad and the nights worse, but as he moved from city to city, crossed oceans and mountains, he began to learn how to be a person again.

It was slow, he was still working on it, but one day Bucky woke up and the asset didn't come back. Memory and experiences kept him dormant, and even if the threat was still there, he stopped feeling like he'd split and shatter at the smallest wrong move.

He was a patchwork man, pieced back together by faith and love, and in his lowest moments, Bucky remembered that both those things could be found in Steve. He thought Bucky could get better, believed in him when he didn't believe in himself, and loved him. Was in love with him. He didn't feel deserving of it but he wanted to spend every second he had left to live trying to be. He wanted to tease and touch, to kiss his best friend and work up the courage to tell him that happiness was the shape of Steve's smile and the blue color of his eyes.

Knowing all this, Bucky's body doesn't react when his mind reminds him of how dangerous Steve is. That he's strong and clever and could hurt him if he wanted to. Steve's patient hands and soft mouth feel amazing and parting his lips to let his tongue slip in is an almost immediate reaction to the warmth and pressure.

There's a thrumming under his skin he hasn't felt in years. Adrenaline and desire, sense-memory taking over as he smooths his hands over Steve's shoulders and straddles his lap, knees pinned to the sides of the other man's thighs. Bucky's vibrating with a good kind of tension that feels brands new, and he exhales in a rush against Steve's mouth in a way that would have been a loud groan if he hadn't stopped it. The press of nails against his shoulders, the way he'd sucked at Bucky's tongue have his hips moving on their own, seeking contact and friction.]

Steve.

[His voice is soft and thready, almost a whine that he didn't know he was capable of. Impatient fingers drag down Steve's sides, tugging his shirt up and breaking the kiss to make it happen. He takes the space of two seconds to admire what science made of Steve's body before he dips back in and presses kisses across his collarbone, breathing heavily as if he was close to being out of breath.

He feels like he's on that edge again, ready to split open. It's not the same. His walls want to crack to make a gap big enough for Steve to fill.]

Edited (forgot a word) 2016-12-08 01:44 (UTC)

[ If Steve were asked about it, he would hardly take all the credit for piecing Bucky back together, for filling in those gaps. All the other people here in Wonderland (and back home, to some extent) played their part too. Anyone who looked at Bucky and didn't see a weapon, who treated him like an actual human being instead of seeing him as a trigger to pull, had played their part in removing the Soldier from the forefront of his mind.

Maybe there are still triggers buried deep down. Steve can hope that they'll never surface again if no one has the book, if no one speaks the words, but they can't be certain of that either. It hasn't become a problem in Bucky's long months here, and it hadn't been a problem during his previous stay, aside from the effects of events. Which is something that influences all of them, so it's different.

The point is, they've come a long way, Steve retracing old steps and Bucky charting new territory, but they'd been side-by-side as they did it. And now he's got Bucky in his lap, breathing out his name, sliding his hands all over him, and Steve knows this is the most relaxed he's been in a long time. Actually, that probably applies to both of them, or he hopes that it does.

When Bucky starts to yank his shirt up, Steve does what he can to help him along, lifting his arms and then pulling it over his head to toss it aside. This has already progressed further than either of them probably expected, but Steve isn't going to stop while they've still got momentum going, now that Bucky's made his desires clear.

He lets out a pleased humming noise as Bucky works on his collarbone, his hands reaching out so that he can rest one at the center of Bucky's back and use the other to play with the hair at the back of Bucky's neck. ]

You're doing great. [ That heat from earlier has settled down into a comfortable warmth, and Steve lets his eyes fall closed as he keeps a tight hold on Bucky in his lap. ]

[Bucky's body is keenly aware of the hand at his back and the fingers playing with the hair twisted up at the base of his neck.

He wars with himself, wanting to push out all thought so he can relax even further, and knowing he's only going to enjoy himself if he can find the right balance. Focus on the way Steve tastes and feels. Accept, process, and forget about everything else that goes through his head that isn't this. It's a lot, bordering on too many things for a few seconds, but he figures he's doing pretty good because of the sounds Steve keeps making, eyes falling shut in a way that's entirely too trusting.

He needed that, and those words - he didn't realize how much he'd needed it.]

Fuck, Steve.

[Mouthing his way lower, back bowed, he takes Steve's nipple into his mouth and sucks gently, tongue and teeth working it over. His hand moves to cup his other pec, only to smooth back out again and splay against Steve's abdomen. Bucky tries to go slow, to let his body respond to what Steve's is telling him, to listen to sounds and react to movements so he doesn't get caught up by not knowing exactly what Steve likes or doesn't.

He kisses his way back up, hands moving and tracing, and committing to memory everything he swears to himself he'll never forget.]

We should'a done this sooner.

[Not that he'd been ready. The moment hadn't been right. All things that make perfect valid sense, but don't carry any weight when he's flushed and steadily losing his composure.

He rocks up on his knees to cross his arms and slowly tug his shirt up and over his head, his confidence waning right up until it's tossed aside. Bucky, for a brief moment, wonders if Steve will pay too much attention to what's changed about Bucky's body and he realizes that's not such a bad thing. He is different, they both are, and he's got to learn to accept that about himself. He also knows that attraction is subjective. He remembers feeling that towards Steve when he was small, and now, and that a lot of what he feels towards Steve is all curled up in with what Bucky's always been able to see inside him.]

[ It's not always so easy, but it really is the best thing to do in a situation like this -- to clear your mind of everything else, every other concern at the edges of your thoughts, and enjoy. Steve struggles with it himself, but he has the benefit of experience for once. He's done this with Bucky before and knows just how relaxing it can be, if he allows himself to let go.

That curse from Bucky causes Steve's mouth to twitch. If he's reacting like that, then that must mean that he's having a good time, maybe to the point that it's overwhelming. Bucky will have to take time after they're done here and decide how he feels about all of it, since it's not that easy to examine that sort of thing in the heat of the moment.

And heat is definitely the right word for it, with the way that Bucky is all over him, mouth and hands exploring his body with just the right mix of confidence and uncertainty. No doubt Bucky has done this before in some context, and he might even have the memories of it swimming around in his head, but it's been a while, and Steve doubts it's ever been with another man before. But they can take it as slow as they want. ]

Technically, we did.

[ Steve doesn't know that reminding Bucky of that is the right move, but he says it warmly, watching with hooded eyes as Bucky removes his shirt. If he's reading the situation right, and he's pretty sure that he is, then that's an invitation.

Steve moves his hands around, keeping them steady as he traces the lines of Bucky's chest and torso, reacquainting himself with a body he's had the pleasure of touching a number of times before. There's definitely a lot more muscle on Bucky than there used to be, the result of HYDRA's experimentation and the fact that he'd only ever been used by them for one thing. Steve hardly minds the difference, though, and eventually he slides his hands up to Bucky's shoulders and down his arms, trying to reinforce that the artificial arm doesn't bother him either, that he isn't shy about touching the metal.

He lifts his head and meets Bucky's gaze, smiling briefly. ] Glad you're up to speed now, though.

[Bucky's brows furrow together, a soft and confused crinkling that shows that, for a second, he doesn't understand what Steve's talking about.

Steve says it fondly, like it's a good thing, but Bucky doesn't remember ever doing this before. He realizes pretty quickly that he's referring to the last time he'd been in Wonderland. Him, but not him, the different version of himself that Steve had fallen in love with. Bucky doesn't know if it should bother him, but he kind of thinks of it like everything else - just because he doesn't remember it happening, doesn't mean that it didn't.

He'd be insecure if it weren't for Steve handles it all. Bucky's not a replacement, just older and different, but still him. He doesn't like not knowing how Steve wants to be touched or kissed, or being so far behind when it comes to any of this, but they're working through things one at a time and he'd always thought love would be something like this.

Breathing gets a little difficult as fingers drag down both arms, his metal arm only sensitive in a detached kind of way, but as he lets his eyes fall shut he can almost feel it. Warmth and pressure, Steve's hands carving out insecurities with each pass.]

Yeah, me too.

[Bucky cups the side of Steve's face, pausing just to look at him, cement in his mind Steve's expression and the color of his eyes, the pink of his kiss bitten lips. He leans in to press their foreheads together, then their mouths, tugging gently on Steve's lower lip.

His hands grow impatient, shifting to drag rough fingertips across Steve's sides and stomach, pulling at his shoulders to get him to lean up into Bucky. He wants more, though he doesn't know of what or how much. Steve treats him like he deserves all this and, if only for the night, he wants to feel like he does. He doesn't know what to do or where the lines are, but Steve does and Bucky will soon, too.]

[ There's definitely a few seconds of uncertainty from Bucky's end because of that reminder that they're not exactly on equal footing here. Steve has some experience that Bucky doesn't, but it's not like he won't hang back and wait for him to catch up. Besides, the first time around Bucky had been from before the fall, when all of his memories had still been intact, and Steve had been the one way out of his league.

It doesn't seem like Steve's words scared Bucky off entirely, and relief washes through him when he gets that confirmation. So he hadn't screwed things up completely. Slowly but surely he's learning what he can say and what he should stay away from.

When Bucky catches Steve's face with his hand, he goes still, meeting his eyes and holding his gaze as they take each other in. They'd spent most of their lives prior to the war together, so Steve doesn't know how sometimes it can feel like he's seeing Bucky for the first time, but it's an exhilarating feeling, one that starts his heart racing.

He isn't going to say no to another kiss and he's more immediately bold with using his tongue this time, sliding it into Bucky's mouth as he leans forward and shifts his hands down to Bucky's hips, holding him in place. It's not hard to follow his touch, to read Bucky's subtle physical cues and give him what he wants, even if he's taking care to keep away from anything below his belt until he's given permission to do otherwise. Steve doesn't know if they should move that fast anyway, and he's perfectly happy to keep kissing Bucky like his life depends on it. ]

[It seems wrong to compare Steve to any one before him, they'd all been women so physically it's not the same, but as he kisses Bucky, tongue slipping into his mouth as his hands riding low on his hips, his mind can't help but to remind him how different this all is. He'd never wanted to make this last. He remembers that, can't pinpoint why he didn't want those women to linger in his bed for long, never really pictured spending the rest of his life with any of them, where with Steve he can't imagine a life without him in it.

Bucky's lip trembles against the warm press of Steve's mouth, and a small, shaky breath slips out between them.

He doesn't mean to break the kiss, to go from hot to cold and back again, but he can't figure out how to get out of his head for long. The fingers cupping Steve's jaw flex and his thumb traces gentle lines as Bucky rubs his palm along the curve of his eyebrow, squeezing his eyes shut and pressing his cheek to Steve's in frustration.]

I'm sorry, Steve.

[There's a subtle pause before he slides both hands around to grip at the back of Steve's neck and his shoulder. Bucky's body wants to keep going, and by all accounts, he doesn't really want Steve to stop, but emotion is warring with desire and he needs them to be working together.]

Stay. [He didn't know if he wanted to go much farther tonight, but he didn't want Steve to leave him either. Bucky didn't want to watch Steve crawl into his bed alone as he curled up on the couch by himself.]

[ This already went further than Steve would have expected, so he isn't surprised or disappointed when Bucky cuts him off. They've done some experimentation, enough to give Bucky something to chew over in the coming days as he sorts out what he wants. Not that Steve expects him to pull back on this now that he's gotten a taste, but they don't need to rush into anything.

All the tactility still has its effect on Steve as well. He closes his eyes when Bucky touches over his face, then leans back against his palm as it settles at the back ofh is neck. He's warm and thrumming with mild arousal still, but if they lay here together he knows his body will eventually relax. And then they can sleep.

Even if they're piled on top of each other on the couch, Steve doesn't care. If anything, it reminds him of earlier days. ]

You got it. [ He says it quietly, practically a whisper, as he shifts his body around so that Bucky can comfortably lay on top of him. There's no other way that the two of them could fit, but Steve's more than capable of bearing Bucky's weight.

He directs Bucky's head so that it's resting against his shoulder, and then lets some of the tension ease out of his body. After brushing a kiss on the top of Bucky's head, he asks: ] Good?

[They're too big for the couch any other way, but Steve makes it work, letting Bucky curl up against him, head on his shoulder. The consistent beat of the heart under his ear, and Steve's steady breaths, ease Bucky's body back to a state where he can relax. Bucky makes a soft, amused sound at the way they're laying, resting his hand on Steve's chest.]

Yeah, I'm good.

[He's tired, actually, feels like he could go to sleep this way.]

Thanks, Steve.

[Bucky tucks himself closer, as best he can, letting Steve's warmth seep into him, closing his eyes. His thumb rubs back and forth, tracing idle patterns across Steve's chest as sleep begins to pull him under.]

Don't mention it.

[ Steve's aware that they probably look ridiculous right now, but no one is here to see them save for Dodger, and he doesn't think the puppy cares too much. There's something peaceful and calming with only having to worry about each other for a little bit.

The way Bucky's strokes his thumb over his chest helps Steve to calm down enough to sleep, and the heavy warm presence on top of him isn't hurting either.

Soon enough Steve drifts off too, to have one of his better nights of sleep in a long while. ]

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