entrancelogs | closed | i can't imagine a world with you gone

[ Billy doesn't always find himself seeking people out and checking up on them (he's self involved, he's working on it), but he seeks out Peter a few days after Bonnie disappears.

He knows how much Peter meant to Bonnie and he can't imagine Peter didn't feel the same. Billy knows what it's like to lose the person you love here, to have them suddenly disappear without a goodbye. Maybe he'll get to see Teddy again but the Bonnie Peter knew is gone. Even if she comes back she won't remember them. Billy also knows what that feels like.

So he's outside Peter's door a bottle of whiskey and a pint of ice cream in hand- he's not sure which Peter would rather. And he's knocking, hoping the other is there and he's not just standing in the hall with melting ice cream. ]

[ Peter has mostly stayed in his room. He hasn't gathered together any of Bonnie's things yet. He likes them being exactly where they are, where she left them. His room has become a mess of crumpled up papers and projects, but he's there when Billy knocks. His hair is a mess as it tends to get whenever he's stressed out.

He steps over to the door and then opens it, blinking abruptly, when he realizes it's Billy there. A different sort of ache slams into his chest, because of course, he knows how important Bonnie was to Billy (how important Billy was to her). ]

Billy, hey. Uh. Come in.

Edited 2017-03-17 19:11 (UTC)

[ He gives Peter an attempt at a smile as he walks passed him into the room. ]

Hey. I thought maybe you might want some company. You can totally kick me out if you don't, but I've found its better not to be alone when...well people we love go home.

Yeah. That'd be- that'd be nice. [ Peter closes the door to his room, turning to look at Billy, even as he winces. He's probably been holed up in his room for too long, because he's suddenly stumbling over everything resembling words.

Maybe it's part knowing how deeply Billy feels this loss too, and if Bonnie does come back, chances are high she won't remember them, either of them. ]

How've you been?

[ Billy shrugs. Not good but, he's sort of used to this feeling by now. He can push it down if he needs to, and he'll push it down if he needs to help Peter. ]

I've been better. How are you?

[ Peter almost feels the shrug and the okay come out of his mouth, stumble out of his mouth, but he realizes being let into his room alone signals the truth. His shoulders remain all tensed up, and he shoves out a breath. ]

Kind of a mess. [ It's honest. He sinks down into a seat. ] I never expected it which I get was- I should have. She was here when I showed up. She found me, and- [ He shakes his head. Found him in more than one ways. ] You've been longer. You've probably been through this so many times.

[ Billy takes a seat across from him. He gets it. What Peter's feeling. ] We never think anyone is going to disappear. Which, well, I don't know if it's better or worse. If we act like everyone is going to disappear then we try not to get close to people. Which gets lonely. [ Trust him, he did that for months] But pretending like no one is ever going to leave...kind of catches us off guard.

[ He just nods at Peter's words. ] Bonnie is the eleventh person I've lost here. [ He's not sure if it's healthy to keep count of that but...oh well. ] It doesn't get easier, but I also wouldn't trade in ever knowing them. And that's what this is for.

[ He holds up the bottle that he brought with him. It's tradition. Drinking with someone after they lose someone else.

Eleven? Fuck. I'm sorry, Billy.

[ Peter says the words genuinely even as he winces, because this? This hurts like hell, and he doesn't know that he could go through it eleven times. He doesn't know how anyone goes through it so often and then gets up and stands up and still has the strength to reach out to another person. ]

I don't know how you do it. [ His voice aches, and then he shakes his head, clearing his throat of the- of the lump in it. He shakes his head after a moment. ] I don't drink, but I- I saw you brought ice cream.

[ He doesn't shrug and brush it off, although he wants to. He's been trying not to dismiss his own feelings lately, its a process. ]

I just...do it. Because what other choice do we have? I mean don't get me wrong, I've done my share of brooding and avoiding people here, but. It does start to get lonely. You're not alone here. [ He knows its good to hear that, he hopes it helps Peter. ]

Even if you don't wanna talk and you just want to play video games or eat ice cream. [ He hands Peter the pint and vanishes the bottle,
ice cream is just as good. ]

[ Peter swallows, sliding a hand behind his neck then, before he shakes his head. ]

The last two times I've lost people back home, it's what I did. I pulled back. I hid away, because if you don't connect to people, you don't lose people. [ They can't abandon you. They can't die on you. But already things are different for him in Wonderland. He has made connections. There are people who care about him.

He's not a child who hasn't made many real friends yet. He's not the loner in high school who'd only just started to connect with one person. Peter reaches up, resting his hand against Billy's arm, as he tells him seriously: ]

You're not alone either.

[ Billy's heart breaks a little at that. Because if he's anything like the Peter from his world, Billy has a good idea about who he's lost. ]

But its awfully lonely, isn't it. I spent most of my time growing up alone, and I was fine with it. Until suddenly I wasn't alone anymore, now I don't really know how I did it. [ He never realized how important connecting with people was, until he had done it, and tried to push everyone away again.

He looks at Peter's hand before glancing back up at him and smiling. ] Thanks, Peter.

Yeah. It is. I'm not- not very good at connecting with people. Never have been. I think it's just instinct sometimes. How'd you start not being alone anymore? Seems like it happened pretty suddenly, unexpectedly like it snuck up on you. [ Peter offers Billy a smile, and it's aching but genuine.

His chest sort of wants to pull itself to pieces but that's- that's pretty much its normal state lately. ] Thank you too for, y'know, the ice cream but mostly for stopping by.

It did. One day I'm your average run of the mill, nerdy loner just trying to get through the day avoiding bullies and the next I'm accidentally shooting lightening out of my hands and I'm being asked to join a superhero team. [ Emotional whiplash at its finest. ] it was hard to avoid people after that. That's the nice thing about teams, they don't let you got it alone, even when you want to.

[ All of that feels so long ago, and yet not long at all. He wants to shrug Peter's gratitude off, he doesn't feel particularly worthy of it, but he doesn't. He just nods. ]

Anytime. Really. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. [ And maybe take some of his loneliness away, if he could. ]

[ Peter smirks in amusement at the visual. ] Yeah, I didn't get along with the bully of my school either... until I did. [ For some reason, Flash reached out to him when his uncle died, and Peter nearly kicked his ass, but he got it. Pain leads to someone lashing out with pain of their own sometimes. He tries not to hold on to the anger he can feel when he's grieving, but it's there too. ] Sounds like getting lightning shooting out of your hands ended up being a really good thing for you. Are you grateful you got powers?

[ He was still getting used to doing the super powered thing at all back then. Peter sends him a little lopsided smile. ] Thanks. I'm doing okay. Mostly staying busy.

I don't think I'll ever get along with mine. But he left me alone after the whole lightening thing happened. I guess beating "the gay" out of me was less important than not getting electrocuted. [ It might have been years ago but Billy would probably always hold on to a small bit of resentment for John Kesler. ] But that was a long time ago. Or it seems like a long time ago.

[ that was a loaded question. ] Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I mean when I first got them it was great, who doesn't want super powers? That's like the one thing ever kid wishes for. But the responsibility that comes with it? My powers were hard to control at first. I accidentally hurt people, those are things I regret. People died because we thought we could be heroes and we were just kids. We gave it up for a while, but. Well I have these powers and I can help people, how can I not use them for good? [ It was a debate he still got into with himself, or he did back home. Here it was different. ]

What about you? Are you grateful for them?

...sounds like he was a homophobic prick who you should never, ever have to get along with. [ Peter's own experience with a bully was nothing like that. It's not even comparable really. His jaw locks at the very thought that anyone could come at Billy for something like that. It makes him shake a little with anger.

His hand clasps over Billy's arm.

He quiets as Billy describes everything. His gaze darts down to his hands, relating to what Billy's saying, because people have died because Peter went the route he went. His uncle. Gwen's father. Dr. Connor's life is ruined now. ]

I think I feel the same way. Complicated. People- Well, people died cause I got mine. I feel like I'm trying to make up for that loss and take on the responsibility so no one else has to die.

[ Its nice, knowing that who he loves won't drive Peter away. He will never apologize for who he is, but sometimes- a lot of the time, its hard, knowing people won't like him just for that. As much as he doesn't ever try to hide who he is there will always be a part of him that waits for someone to turn away in disgust once they know. Its happened before, and it will happen again.

Peter isn't one of those people, he knew that, but having it confirmed, watching his anger on Billy's behalf, it changes the way Billy looks at him, just slightly. He holds him in a higher regard, he's a good friend and Billy is going to make sure that friendship lasts.

Peter's next words don't surprise Billy. Even if he hadn't know Peter in his world. ]

I feel like a lot of our stories are similar in that regard. Heroes, or people trying to be heroes. We all do seem to lose people, we all wonder if we're doing the right thing, is it worth it? For a while I didn't think it was. I think we will live our whole lives trying to make up for that loss, and all the losses to come. That's what separates us from the bad guys I guess.

Eventually we have to forgive ourselves, or at least someone wiser than me once told me that.

[ Peter shakes his head as his muscles tense at just how close to home it all hits. They're good words. They're wise. It comes from a life Billy's lived, which is so much like his own but different too. ]

I don't think I've figured out how to do that part yet.

[ It's said softly as his gaze darts back up to Billy in the quiet, in the dark. He's grateful to not be alone in it now. There'd be another pile of papers, another forgotten project left behind.

It's hard for him to connect but not impossible if he opens up. ]

I'm glad you had some wise people in your life to help show you the way. God knows it's all- it's messy even with people.

[ It's Billy's turn to reach out and lay his hand on Peter's arm now. They both get it, even if their circumstances are different- it's been a while since someone just got it. ]

I'm still trying to figure out how to do that part too.

[ Easier said than done. He meets Peter's gaze and offers hi a smile.]

It's always messy, but it's the path we chose. People help though. It's easy to shut them out but, it's also easy to let them in. Surprisingly.

[ Peter lifts his head, letting his gaze rest on Billy now. A tiny smile tugs across his face even as he swallows through the ache in his chest. ]

Think that's life. Figuring ourselves out over and over again.

[ Emotion lodges through his chest. ]

Still figuring out letting people in too. So y'know, forgive me if... I take awhile. [ Billy came to him and reached out to him, and Peter's not great at doing the same always. He pushes himself inward, puts up walls. Avoids. ]

That's okay. I can be patient when I need to be. [ He grins, he won't give up on Peter. They could both use this friendship. ] And persistent.

closed | i can't imagine a world with you gone

[closed] Broken hearts club | Billy & Peter

[closed] Broken hearts club

Broken hearts club

Broken hearts club

Broken hearts club

Broken hearts club

Broken hearts club

Broken hearts club

Broken hearts club

Broken hearts club

Broken hearts club

Broken hearts club

Broken hearts club

Broken hearts club

Broken hearts club

Broken hearts club

Broken hearts club

Broken hearts club

Re: Broken hearts club

Broken hearts club

Broken hearts club- wrap?