entrancelogs | knocked the wind out of my soul [open]

There's a sudden, sick twisting in her gut. Georgia's smart. Even here, with the white walls pressing at the corners of her vision and the Doctors shooting her looks that make her want to put on layers of lead to keep them from seeing inside her, her panic can't shut off the part of her brain that's listening and analyzing. She can hear the words Tim isn't saying, and she appreciates the lack of lies. It isn't okay. She doesn't want to be told it is.

She can also hear the other part of his plan. Keep eyes off you. Blend in. Behave. "You want me to lie."

"They're not looking for the truth." That's the long and short of it. He knows doctors, and they know him. He speaks with the air of someone who's lived this before - who knows exactly what he's doing, and how.

"They don't want to hear the truth. They want to believe that they're helping."

And if they don't hear that they're helping, they'll try to fix things until they get the answer they're looking for.

"No one ever wants to hear the truth." She lets her eyes slip shut. She misses her sunglasses. Why couldn't the damn event have let her keep her sunglasses? It just makes her feel even more vulnerable. No sunglasses, no phone, no cameras and microphones, no real clothes, no gun. She might as well be naked. "My job is to give it to them anyway."

But that's at home, not when she's in a hospital. Not when none of this is real anyway. She lied in the CDC because it kept her alive and she needed to stay alive so she could get to Shaun. She knows she's capable of it. But she doesn't like it any better than she did there. Maybe even less. This is an event. She doesn't want to let Wonderland force her into lying for something so temporary.

Well, then doctors aren't exempt. That's not what they tell you, of course. Just tell us the truth, Timothy, and every word that he's heard a dozen times over.

Do you feel safe in your home? Are you afraid of anyone?

Can't be afraid of hallucinations. You know that isn't real, right, Timothy? But it's going to be okay. We're going to fix it. You won't see anyone else like that ever again. We know it takes some time, but...just let us help you. Eventually, we'll get it right. We'll get it all right. You'll see.

Her job is to tell the truth.

"Telling the truth here gets you a change in prescription, and...based on how we seem to have gone back in time? I'm guessing a whole hell of a lot else." Wonderland pulled out all the tasteless stops, didn't it? Straitjackets and electroshock therapy, he's guessing, is just the tip of the shit iceberg.

She's read enough Nellie Bly that she knows how bad past mental hospitals can be. She knows he's right. She doesn't like it any better, but she does know it. To survive, they have to lie. No problem, right? Just tell the doctors what they want to hear, even if it's entirely opposed to the truth as she sees it. All it costs is another sliver of the woman she used to be. Another nail in Georgia Mason's coffin. The original Georgia would have known exactly what to do, and it's laugh in Tim's face at the very idea. But the original Georgia wouldn't have been driven to near-panic by a fucking wall color.

She wishes Shaun were here. She's so glad he isn't.

"How long's it been? Maybe we can just... wait it out."

"We could, but I really don't want to." He doesn't exactly like it here - even if he probably belongs here, more than George ever did. At least here he's contained. Maybe, if he's lucky, they could addle him so sickeningly with drugs that he won't even understand how damaging he is by his very nature.

But that's just a pipe dream. And an inconvenient one.

"I'm guessing there's an exit. These rifts, they - " He breaks off as a doctor passes, white coat flaring as he walks. He tucks his chin down to his chest and stares slackly at his feet.

Hoping it'll count as the kind of acceptable lack of lucidity they'd appreciate from their patients.

Georgia should follow his lead. That's not even lying, that's just... avoiding a confrontation that would lead to lying. And she means to. If she had the perfect control she prefers to have, she would have. But she's already so on edge from being in a hospital so like the CDC labs that the lab coat catches her off guard and she freezes, fear flickering across her face as she just stares, shrinking back.

The doctor notices. He frowns and turns towards them, looking first at George and then at Tim. "Is he bothering you, Georgia?"

Goddamnit. It doesn't help that she's a miserable fucking actor, apparently - because she's not really had to, because she's completely off-balance, because she's not accustomed to having to lie for any reason whatsoever, because that's not what she does.

She looks scared, staring at the doctor as he flits past, and Tim can't just sweep in and try to cultivate a lie that someone will believe, because he's in the same goddamn boat as her. He's unreliable. He's fucking - crazy, right? Can't trust anything the crazy says.

"I can - I'll g - I'll go," he stammers. Maybe overselling it somewhat, but if he can get the doctor's attention on him instead, it'll be worth it. He can take whatever they might intend to throw at him, for being a bad influence.

"No!" Georgia straightens, trying to force down the panic. It doesn't exactly work, but she can at least fake it. She may not be a liar, but she's good at showing confidence she doesn't feel. She just has to hope her eyes aren't projecting just how terrified she really is. She never learned to control them living her life behind dark glasses.

"Fuck this. No. He's not bothering me." Anger. She can do anger. It's better than fear and panic any day. "And this place is a human rights violation. Do you have any idea how sued your asses will be once my readers hear about this?"

The doctor flips some pages on his clipboard. "Would these be your Wonderland readers or your... zombie blog this time?"

She freezes again. "Excuse me?"

The doctor shakes his head. "You make the same threat every day, Georgia. But you're not a journalist. You're just a very sick woman who needs help."

Goddamnit.

Tim could almost groan aloud at the slip-up. She's not supposed to mention shit like that - and of course, there's a whole fucking file on her. A file on every single one of them. This would be her "delusion," tailored to unhinge her sense of reality until she's lost wholly in this false dream, at least until it stops clinging to them.

"It was my fault," he blurts, once more trying to intercede. Draw the ire to him. "I asked her about it. I was - I think I was one of her readers. Used to comment every day. Lot of site traffic, you know?"

He's the one perpetuating the "delusion." He's the problem here. So just take care of him, and leave her out of it.

Georgia turns, shooting him a glare. "Tim." He's trying to help. But she doesn't want him to sacrifice himself for her. And she definitely doesn't want him lying for her. "Look, the point is, everything's fine. You're the only one bothering me. Just let us go about our business."

Oh my god, can she just trust that Tim knows what the hell he's doing for ten minutes? She's used to being the more competent of the two of them, and he can't even fault her for that - it's usually true - but for once, this is the kind of scenario in which he knows the best way out.

If they decide he's a danger, that he's exacerbating her symptoms, then all they have to do is separate them and make sure they don't interact. Shitty, but workable. If they decide she's "relapsing" of her own accord?

Well, they're going to do their best to fix her, won't they? Because what possible business would a hospital patient have, huh?

Tim bows his head, apparently contrite.

"I didn't mean to agitate her symptoms, uh - sir."

She glares at him again, then looks away. It's hard to watch on so many levels. She hates lying. She hates depending on anyone other than herself and Shaun. And she hates watching him be so contrite when the doctor is clearly the one in the wrong here.

Georgia is fire and fury. She takes the world head on with the conviction that the truth will set her free. That all she has to do is tell it, make people believe, and everything will work out. The concept of lying like Tim is doing now isn't as alien to her as she'd like it to be. Even in the CDC, though, they allowed and even expected a certain amount of resistance. Nothing else would have been believable. Not from Georgia Mason. It isn't the same here. So she just looks away and lets Tim handle it.

The doctor frowns at them. "I think you two are a bad influence on each other." He puts a hand on Georgia's arm. She flinches away, but he holds on tight and beckons another doctor over. "Let's take some time apart, shall we?"

"Cut the we business, asshole, you don't have to do anything," Georgia grumbles.

George gets A Look in response. She doesn't like sitting back and letting anyone handle things while she takes a backseat, he knows full well, but if she'd just let him explain things and cover for both of them, maybe they wouldn't be in this situation now.

But of course, that was never going to be the way with her, was it? She has to make it as impossible as goddamn possible, doesn't she?

His jaw aches enough for the muscles to feel ready to pop. A second doctor tries to smile, but it's too taut, and too obviously forced. They're being separated.

"Can I see her later?" he says, effecting an anxious, almost childlike tone. It might be strange, how easily he slips back into that role.

But it isn't.

The doctor half leads half drags George away. She glares at him. "I can walk, you know." She knows Tim is right, that she should just take the path of least resistance and do what it takes to wait out this shitty event or get away. She just... isn't good at not resisting. Not on her best days, and being stuck in a hospital again does not make this one of her best days.

The doctor shakes his head. "You don't seem to be in a very cooperative mood today, Georgia. You can walk unescorted when you prove you can handle the responsibility."

She wants to laugh. She doesn't, which is probably a good thing. She doubts it'd help. "Can you take me to my brother first? I'll be a lot more cooperative if I can see him."

The doctor stops in the hall and gives her a sad look, shaking his head. "You really have relapsed. Georgia... you don't have a brother."

Tim's doctor tuts disapprovingly.

"You really ought to be more careful, Timothy. You and her...you're not a good mix."

His teeth grit hard enough for his molars to feel ready to crack, but he allows his shoulders to slump with the pretense of disappointment. Just...play along. Play the game. The voices haven't faded into the distance; he can still hear Georgia, and the doctor's morose, ridiculous claim.

Oh, shit.

That's not about to go over well. Tim slows, dragging his feet - craning his neck to glance back at her as he tenses for the invariable explosion.

George goes deathly still. "Excuse me?"

The doctor shakes his head and resumes dragging her along by the arm. "This 'Shaun' character you've made up. I understand the lack of support coming from your parents would lead you to create an imaginary friend. It's just that most people grow out of it rather than continuing to project more and more roles onto him."

When George was being held in the CDC, they had an armed guard to escort her whenever she left the room. They'd also kept her handcuffed. She'd always been torn between laughing at how excessive it was for one blogger and being offended that they thought handcuffs would stop her. She'd known how to pick locks since she was six. Men with guns, on the other hand... well, she knew first hand she wasn't bulletproof.

Right now, it doesn't seem like the CDC was being excessive at all. This is just one doctor holding her loosely, completely unarmed. Which means the second they turn a corner, she can break his grip and slam her elbow into his nose in one smooth motion. The doctor breaks off in telling her how fucked up her relationship is with her imaginary brother (she knows) and staggers back, grabbing his face. That moment of confusion is enough. She slams his head into the wall as hard as she can and he crumples.

She doesn't have much time, but still she pauses to check his pulse. Not that her actions will change if she accidentally killed him, but she'd still rather not. It's still there. Good. Not that it would prevent him from having a concussion. Not that that matters when he might not even be real. Then she yanks his lab coat off and raids his pockets for keys and ID badges. After another moment's thought, she steals his shoes. They're too big, but they'll do. She tugs the doctor into the nearest room, then hurries back the way they came, walking with as much confidence as she can muster. She has to find Tim, and they're getting out of here.

She wishes she had her gun with her. She hates being unarmed.

Her ever predictable Achilles'. He knows it's coming the instant before it happens, the whipcrack sharpness of that immediate, powerful motion that rams him into the wall with an earsplitting break.

Tim twists on the spot. The doctor, clearly unprepared for that abrupt show of violence after so much placid cooperation, is wholly taken aback when he snaps his hands around his throat and squeezes. The struggles leave a battering of bruises across his sides and a shiner just below his cheekbone - death throes or the final moments consciousness before everything goes dark, he can't exactly say.

(This is what he's made himself into.)

The doctor goes down after mere moments, silent but for the choking gurgle. There are no orderlies, but Tim has to check with a cautious sweep of both sides of the halls before seizing the doctor beneath the armpits and dragging him across the sweep of tile to the nearest closet, cramming him hastily within.

After a moment's consideration, he snags the keycard from the doctor's pockets, shivering at the ghosting sensation of rooting through a hooded man's pockets.

It'd be pretty damn stupid to go running around the halls screaming George's name, but he doesn't have a lot of choice here. What he does have is access to a supply of scalpels.

It's better than nothing.

He crams two into his pockets and clenches bruised knuckles around the third and sets off, darting frequent glances over his shoulder.

You know what happens when you have two people moving rapidly towards where they hope each other are, looking everywhere but in front of themselves?

Exactly what you'd expect.

George slams into Tim and stumbles backwards, reaching to steady herself on the wall before she looks up to see where she is. "Oh. There you are. How do you feel about getting the fuck out of here?"

"God, you really couldn't wait, could you?" One hand shoots out to steady her shoulder before he thinks better of it, and elects to lean onto the wall instead. He turns the scalpel over and over in his hand, breathing heavily.

"I was gonna say we should try and bide our time and sneak out slowly," he mutters, pushing sweat-slicked hair from his forehead, "but this works too."

Which is Tim's sarcastic way of saying yes, please, how soon and how quickly can we make this happen? His eyes rake about the surrounding hallways.

"I say we've got maybe five minutes before people figure out what we've done and we're stuck here for the rest of...however long these things last. You find an exit yet?"

"He wasn't even armed." Because it's a mental hospital, George. Most mental hospitals don't need their workers to carry guns. She wrinkles her nose and starts moving back the way she came. No, she couldn't wait. Because being here was already making her feel like setting everything on fire before they started trying to convince her that Shaun isn't real. No, she couldn't wait.

"It can't go on forever. These rift events only stretch out for a few yards. If we go far enough in any direction, we should make it out."

"No, because he was a doctor, not a security guard," says Tim, his tone landing somewhere between exasperated and incredulous. Not that he hasn't learned why she would assume people would be carrying those sorts of weapons - CDC and all - but the fact that this is clearly a product of a time even before his own might've been a pretty decent indication that this was not the same kind of building she thought it was.

There's the clatter of footsteps down white-tiled halls, shouts growing closer. He cranes his neck only briefly before making that snap decision.

"Fine. So let's pick a direction and go before they find us."

"I'm just saying, he clearly wasn't equipped to deal with me." Apparently they weren't equipped to deal with Tim either. She's not complaining.

She points away from the shouts. "Right. I vote that way." There might still be people, but there'd probably be fewer and maybe they'd be too surprised to stop them. And they probably don't have to go very far.

Either they had a fabricated history of Tim being a generally pretty docile patient, or his cooperation was enough to lower their guard. Whichever it is, he's not complaining. One glance back in the direction from which he came compared to from where George came, and their options are pretty limited. He nods shortly.

"I'm sold."

And starts sprinting without a second thought.

Georgia's in good shape. She's not sprinting because she knows if she sprinted, she'd outpace Tim before too long. She refuses to do that. They're getting out of this shithole.

As they make their way down the hall, a doctor turns the corner and sees them, her eyes widening in surprise.

"Keep running!" George shouts.

knocked the wind out of my soul [open]

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cw internalized ableism

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