+ Guilt Runs Deep

[vitaelamorte]

Who: Everyone!
Where: The Mansion
When: Feb 23-25
Rating: Please warn in top level subject lines for potential triggers/NSFW
Summary: Various residents are trapped in their own guilt, watching their guiltiest memory play on a loop.
The Story:

Welcome to the gathering post for the event. Please see the plotting post for more information + the bulletin board link. Have fun!

Comments

[beautifullies]

[ Her knowledge of how gutting the guilt feels has her checking on everyone she cares about now, now that she's broken free of her own guilt and gotten to Bree.

That's why she finds Hawke and she watches the loop, trying to wrap her mind around what she's seeing. A child losing a parent, and she closes her eyes for a moment, making her way toward him. She's afraid of him rebelling against sobriety again and speaks quietly. ]

You aren't alone, Hawke.

[bloodmagics]

[He's still cradling her body when Claire speaks. With one hand, he closes Leandra's eyes, the other clutches at her dress like a child.]

I think... I think I am, Claire. My sister's dead, my mother's dead because of me. [He gives a bitter, hollow laugh.] I doomed my brother to a slow death.

[He thinks Carver has forgiven him, but it doesn't change what he did.]

[beautifullies]

[ Reaching out, Claire lets her hand move up his shoulder. He isn't alone, she's here. ]

This is Wonderland, making you relive it until there's nothing but guilt left to feel.

[bloodmagics]

[He laughs - naturally, there's nothing happy about it.]

It didn't need to go that far. [A pause.] You saw what happened? There's already nothing but guilt to feel.

[beautifullies]

I understand why it feels that way.

[ She wonders if his mother would feel the same way, but she doesn't ask. ]

My opinion on the matter certainly isn't valid. But I'm here. And I know what it is to be unable to see past the guilt, Hawke.

[ Claire's voice is soft, gentle. ]

[bloodmagics]

[He hums, quietly.]

Wonderland knows I'll never be able to let go of this. I told you it once brought me back just moments after she passed away, didn't I?

[beautifullies]

You did.

[ Claire's quiet, then just lets out a breath. ]

Wonderland gave me a room of my own. It's only because of Jamie that I was...able to get out. But it was difficult, so I want you to know that I'll stay with you. No matter what.

[bloodmagics]

[He's quiet when she says that, eyes turned downwards.]

You don't have to do that.

[beautifullies]

I know.

[ Reaching out, a hand presses to the middle of his back. ]

But I am, and you may not feel guilty about it because it's my choice.

[bloodmagics]

[Hawke snorts.]

If I felt guilty about everything my friends did, I'd never get out of bed.

[beautifullies]

[ There's a hint of a smile on her lips, but just barely. ]

Tell me about her?

[ It's a gentle request, one he can certainly shoot down. ]

[bloodmagics]

[He's quiet for a little while; both deciding if he wants to talk and what he'd say if he does.]

I don't think she ever particularly wanted to be a mother. [... He's sure Claire isn't expecting him to say that.] But she tried her best.

[He lets out a shuddering breath.]

Before my father died, she was wonderful.

[beautifullies]

[ All that matters is that the woman tried. Claire doesn't judge her for it or form any other sort of opinion based on that, solely. ]

I'm sure she loved you very much, Hawke.

[bloodmagics]

... She did. She just...

[He sighs.]

She just expected too much from me. More than any mother should.