entrancelogs | + Guilt Runs Deep

+ Guilt Runs Deep

Who: Everyone!
Where: The Mansion
When: Feb 23-25
Rating: Please warn in top level subject lines for potential triggers/NSFW
Summary: Various residents are trapped in their own guilt, watching their guiltiest memory play on a loop.
The Story:

Welcome to the gathering post for the event. Please see the plotting post for more information + the bulletin board link. Have fun!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Oh."

Just one word in response to Wirt's explanation of the event. The way Louis says it makes it sound hollow and wrong. That would explain the Groundhog Day bullshit going on. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but at least there's an explanation for it. Jesus, who the fuck comes from a world where this is a thing?

He stares at the computer for a moment, at his fingers sending that email, regardless of how much he wills them not to. He wanted his friends to know about this...eventually. But not like this. This is a bullshit way to learn anything about anyone.

"I destroyed my parents' marriage," he said, his voice wavering a little, his eyes focused on the screen, better that than look at his friend. "That's...that's what keeps happening. Me being a vindictive fuckhead."

There's a noticeable pause from Wirt. A second of hesitation.

Wirt knows more than he'd like to about how marriages can come to a crashing halt. They can be torn apart and no matter how much your parents insist to you otherwise, it is easy to blame yourself for what happened. Maybe if you hadn't come into the picture, they would have stayed together. Maybe there's just something about you that makes people's lives more difficult.

They aren't rational thoughts, but they're thoughts Wirt's had to confront before. Maybe he was wrong - maybe he can help Louis.

"What do you mean?" he asks, carefully moving closer. "Divorce can be super complicated. It's probably more than just one mistake on your part-- m-more with them, not more that you did. ...What happened?"

Not "What did you do?". Not "How did you destroy it?". Just a neutral and blameless "What happened?".

"No."

Louis says it with a sharp, pained tone he never uses. It's not directed at Wirt, not even a little. It's all inward. He hates the idea of his friends knowing what he did. He hates knowing there's always a chance they'll just...walk away from him for it. Hell, he expects it. He hates the idea of his friends thinking that he's not guilty of this even worse, though.

"I did it. On purpose. They were happy and I- I fucking destroyed it."

He stares at the computer, as the email sends. He winces, grimacing at the sound of his mother's yell coming in not long after. He feels sick. He's been feeling sick since this started. He still doesn't look at Wirt, staring at the screen. At his masterpiece in maliciousness.

"I made up a fake mistress. Bought tons of shit in my dad's name, with his credit cards. Made it look like he was having an affair and then sent all those receipts to my mom," the memory re-sets and he starts to write the email again. "There was nothing wrong with them. It wasn't complicated. It was just...me."

Even if it's not directed at Wirt, it's still pointed and sharp and he instantly takes it as his own fault for not understanding. When Louis goes on though, Wirt is stunned into silence.

It was explained clearly enough for Wirt to have a clear idea of what happened. It adds up to the scene, with Louis sending some kind of message and his mother yelling from another room, and is by all accounts a logical explanation, but...every ounce of empathy drains from Wirt's face. He knows what happened now, but knowing did not bring understanding and knowing has flung sympathy out the window entirely.

He looks at Louis, and even though Louis is clearly filled with regret and anguish over what he's done, Wirt feels like he's looking at a stranger. How can this person who's been so kind to him have done something so awful? How could he have wanted the thing that tore Wirt's childhood apart?

"...Are you serious?" he asks, even though he already knows the answer.

His own parents are by no means perfect people. There are things they both did that contributed to things going sour, but Wirt can't imagine a single reason he would have wanted them to get divorced. If it had been up to him, they would have stayed together. They would have been able to make it work and solve their problems and they would have been happy to be raising him together. There isn't a single thing they could have done that would have made him want to sabotage them that way.

Wirt is no longer coming from a place of comfort, but hurt. There's a knee-jerk change in his tone that is just as involuntary as the scene playing out in front of him. It's a betrayal of everything Wirt thought Louis was, one that strikes a personal chord, and without thinking he lashes out in return.

"What's wrong with you?! Why would you do something like that to them? Who would even think to do something like that?!"

He can't understand. He's not sure he could ever understand.

Louis doesn't leap to his own defence when Wirt responds. He doesn't get angry, he doesn't yell, he doesn't even glare. The small, spiteful part of his mind whispers there it is, the reaction you've always wanted. People have always been so goddamn understanding about his past. About the shitty thing he did. He never understood it.

Wirt's reaction? This he can understand. This is the sort of reaction he deserves. Not understanding, not compassion, but revulsion. Anger. He did a terrible thing. And people really should react to it like he did. He still doesn't look at Wirt, he stares at the screen, at what he did.

"A spoiled, vindictive little fuckhead is the sort of person who'd think of doing something like that. Who is exactly the sort of person I used to be."

He hears his mother yell, her heart broken, her trust forever ruined. They were so happy together, her and his dad. They would have been happily married forever. They might have been wealthy beyond anyone's wildest dreams, but they were always happiest together. And he destroyed that. He looks at Wirt, finally. There's no anger in his expression, just horrible, churning guilt.

"If you're expecting me to defend myself you're not gonna get it. I agree with you. It was awful. I was awful."

And he's done so much to not be that way again. To be a better person. He still stumbles and falls sometimes. Occasionally missteps and hurts someone. Like now. This has hurt Wirt and hates that it has. Wirt's a good guy, and this...this has clearly hit home for him. It's beyond Louis' control. But still.

Wirt hears the yell distantly, but it sounds so different to him now that he knows why she's yelling. He doesn't know what answer he wanted or how he expected Louis to react to his outburst. What he knows is that he doesn't understand it any better than he did a moment ago. He tangles his fingers in the hair at his temple, struggling with this new information.

"It doesn't make any sense," he says. "What did they even do? What could they possibly have done that would chalk this all up to vindicativeness? And you--! You..."

He stumbles over the words. The sentence is there but it takes him a moment to articulate it. He's not sure he even wants answers or explanations but the words tumble out of him anyway.

"I don't get it. It doesn't sound like you."

A familiar dark cloud is starting to settle in Wirt's mind and suffocate him. It curls around his heart and lungs and whispers that he never should have trusted anyone, that this always happens when he lets someone in. He should have known this would happen. He should have known Louis would be too good to be true. A nice, kind person who shares his interests and wants to hang out with him? He should have been suspicious from the start. He's an idiot. He should have known better, he should have known, he should have--

What he really should know is that letting thoughts like that rule him is never a good idea, and something he will come to regret. In the moment, it's too hard to shake it off.

"But...maybe I never really knew you after all."

"My dad wouldn't get me singing lessons. That's literally it," sure, Louis had been given that whole 'you get to be rich or happy' spiel, but that wasn't what drove Louis to do what he did- he did it because he didn't get his own way, plain and simple. "I was a spoiled little shit and I got my own back by doing...this."

This horrible, unthinkable thing. The punishment didn't fit the crime. He thought he was being clever. That he was going to get back at his father and get what he wanted. He looks away from Wirt again, but the other boy's words sink in. Because he was right. That was how his parents dealt with it. They looked at him like he was some kind of fucking sociopath and sent him to Ericson's as soon as they could. To fix him.

"I'm not that person any more. But it doesn't change the fact I did it."

He wonders, not for the first time, how much the end of the world shaped him into being a better person. In using his talent for understanding people's emotions and using it for something positive. To help people instead of hurt them. If the walkers had never happened, would he have changed? He's not sure.

Wirt's words hit home though. They claw into his chest and burrow in there. He winces, even as his memory resets. He knew, eventually, someone would react this way. The way he expected everyone to. The way he felt he deserved people to react. He just didn't realise how much it would actually hurt when it happened.

"...Guess not."

Singing lessons. Louis deliberately ruined his parents' marriage over singing lessons. He has no reason to lie about it at this point, but Wirt just looks completely dumbfounded by that response. It's maybe the most bizarre thing he's ever heard admit to in his life. Wirt loves music more than he loves most things, but he still can't imagine himself in the same position making the same choices.

Louis says he isn't the same person, but it's so hard to reconcile that with the fact that he was that person. Where is the line drawn? How can someone change so much that they seem like an entirely different person? Is it even possible for a person to become that drastically different?

"Well..."

Wirt doesn't know. But he knows that he hurt Louis with that answer, and it felt worse than he thought it would. Of course it did. Louis is his friend, and Wirt said something cruel, but Louis did something cruel. Still, something in him tells him that's a stretch, but he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know how to react or what to say or what to do and he can feel his chest tighten more and more.

"I-I don't know. I..."

He wavers. He's still angry, and he can't look at Louis directly, especially now that he knows what he's doing over and over and over in this memory. Neither of them can do anything to stop what Louis has already done. It's too late and Louis' mother is yelling and Wirt's stomach turns.

His feet feel like they're moving on his own, as though his brain's started to shut off and his body is making decisions without him, sliding him a couple of steps back. His mouth moves. He assumes he makes words, probably.

"I...I can't. I-I need some air."

With that, he turns to leave the way he came.

Louis was expecting a look like that. Because the thing he destroyed his parent's lives over was so stupidly petty. He was young, yes, but he still did it willingly. He acted out of spite and maliciousness.

He watches Wirt back away. He wants to stop him, but he doesn't. Louis has felt the loss of friends before- but those were due to death, due to living in the world he's still surviving in, despite everything. A loss due to something he's done is a new pain completely. It reminds him of when he nearly lost Clem- when he agreed with the others that she needed to be exiled.

He hated the way that had sat on him then. Knowing he'd caused her pain- that his actions had created a rift. He hates this now. But he can't drag Wirt back- it isn't fair. He has every right to choose to walk away. If he was asked what he'd choose - he'd pick that. He'd turn away on himself.

He grimaces at the sound of his mother again. Knowing the memory will start afresh. He turns, wordlessly, back to the laptop- letting it drag him back into it. Letting the guilt suck him in once more. He doesn't turn to watch Wirt leave. He couldn't stand to see it.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

+ Guilt Runs Deep

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject