entrancelogs | + Guilt Runs Deep

[ She doesn't move to look at him. Chloe is acutely aware he is there; she doesn't have to turn to know it's Klaus who has entered her room. Her eyes are still locked on the now unconscious Leo Fitz, frighteningly beaten and blissfully silent. ]

You don't think I know that?

[ Somewhere beneath her self-loathing, there is offense. Chloe hasn't always been so trusting; after her ostracization from the department in the wake of her accusing Malcolm Graham of corruption, she shut herself off from everyone. Lucifer changed that. So did Wonderland. After a while, it had been easy to fall back into trusting, into believing in the people around her.

Lucifer broke her heart. Marcus lied to her. Dan betrayed her. Klaus, apparently, thinks she's a fool. Maybe she is. ]

You say it like there isn't a chance I'd turn on you, too.

[ Because, really, who is the monster right now? ]

( klaus has never been trusting. not since he was a boy, and even then the comfort of the mother he blindly believed was tainted by her inaction at his father's fists marring his skin. he has, however, often discounted and underestimated the affect of others. he does not mean their capabilities, though he has certainly made errors in expecting those.

he does not consider the blow they can make on him: sometimes out of pride, sometimes necessity, but every now and then because he does not realize how much he cares until they do.

he knows how much he cares for chloe. he knows what he would be capable of despite that. only in this moment does he consider her own cognizance of their circumstances, their natures, their priorities. it does not surprise him. it does not comfort nor disturb him. in this moment, it simply is. )

Perhaps you would, ( he concedes quietly. ) But you would not win. ( that simply is, too. )

[ She let Seth kill her, when it came down to protecting him and Lucifer. She asked him to. She knows she would do the same with Klaus, and that he wouldn't hesitate.

Still, she stares at Fitz, her eyes misting, the familiar pressure behind her eyes promising tears. What would it take, for her to turn on someone she loved? It took murder for her to turn on a virtual stranger, but she didn't know anyone who killed anyone before Wonderland, besides herself.

And Klaus is more that capable of it. She knows that much. ]

I know. [ She agrees. He would rip her apart in a heartbeat. He almost has before. But she loves him, despite herself. Maybe that enough is worth the risk. ] I don't know if I ever told you what ended my marriage. Dan spent months telling me I was crazy. Just to save his own ass. [ The betrayal had cut deep, when she finally learned the truth. She learned to forgive him, but what other choice did she have? ] I know what I'm worth to people in the end.

[ It's so simple to hurt her, to break her. She's learning that, now. That no matter what she does, no matter how hard she tries, she will always truly be alone.

Maybe they all are. ]

( klaus' sigh is heavy, audible in the silence, but soft and shaky on the exhale. he looks down, away, at the easy sadness and helplessness of her conclusion—

it's not a new portrait, the picture she paints. it's not a new story; it's perhaps the oldest one in the book. cain and abel. loved one betrays the other, and leaves them bleeding.

he understands. he understands and it pierces him through, because he does not want to be that person to her. perhaps he doesn't have to be. because if she knows he would win, then he knows she would fight.

he knows what she's doing now. right or wrong, good or bad, betrayer or victim. it does not change what's truly in front of her. ) Feeling sorry for yourself is what got you here. It's certainly not what's going to see you out.

[ It's only natural, then, that she would end up engaged to the very Cain he's thinking of. The first betrayer, the first murderer, and that's who she chooses. She's starting to think that's exactly what she deserves.

She would fight, because she's spent her whole life fighting: her mother for her own future, her husband for his faith, Lucifer for his own damn good. The truth is, she's exhausted. ]

I didn't ask you to be here. [ Chloe has always moved forward. She's never given herself the opportunity to just feel sorry for herself. Now that she has that chance, it doesn't make her feel any better. ] Maybe I don't deserve to get out. Did that occur to you?

( she didn't ask him to be here. yet he has no intention of going anywhere just yet either, particularly after she points it out.

he can't help himself. he laughs, soft and low, bowing his head to the ground for a moment. ) Love, I cannot expend each and every way I deserve to suffer, and yet I am not trapped in a cycle of guilt of my own devising. If you don't deserve to get out, the only judgement you're suffering is your own. And clearly, ( he gestures around them; he gestures to himself ) the system is flawed.

Lucifer basically told me that. He said something about how his father doesn't really care. But just because you don't have any guilt for all the deranged things you've done doesn't mean the rest of us don't feel it.

[ It's a particularly low blow, one that Chloe wouldn't have ever voiced, if nothing else but to protect Klaus' feelings. His laughing at her only made her bristle, though, and the words escape her before she can stall them. ]

I can't be like you. I can't just turn off my humanity when it gets in the way.

[ She wonders briefly if he can kill her in Hell. Maybe if she pisses him off enough, she'll find out. ]

( it's a low blow he's heard thousands of times, in just as as many contexts. he's been annoyed at the judgement before. he's been angered. he's been hurt, when those words are wielded just the right way, in just the right angle, in just the right circumstances. he bristles too, equals parts the first two, but unable truly to grasp the full weight of the third.

because he doesn't feel guilt. he's not ashamed. he knows who he is and who he has chosen to be. he would do all he has over again. he would do it still. aggravation at the accusation grates at him, but she needs this more than he does. his mouth opens to respond but she cuts him off and so he stands still, a flare in his gaze.

he has more patience with her than he would with many. his voice is level. )

I don't turn off my humanity. Truth be told, I never have. I don't need to.

Edited 2019-02-25 03:59 (UTC)

Don't you realize that makes it worse?

[ She needs him to be angry. She needs him to be something, to care enough about her to feel anything from her cold words. She needs something to distract her from the aching emptiness inside of her, the guilt and the loneliness that clouds her judgment and her heart.

Mostly, though, she needs him not to leave her. And yet, the assault continues. ]

Freya said you guys rubbed off on me. But you really haven't. I'd give anything to not care as much as you do about anyone other than yourself.

( he knows she needs him not to leave her. he knows too that what she believes she wants is for him to be angry. if he cannot judge her for her sins, he's useless to her martyrdom, and he will not give her the empty satisfaction of playing into her whims.

she's hurting. all the more reason he finds cruelty to slice open the wounds she is desperately trying to staunch and hide. hands still folded behind his back, he leans forward, into her space. ) And what is this morbid tableau but a gratuitous shrine to your own self-importance? Yes, I am a monster, and yes, my morality is certainly a moving target, but you. ( he lingers over the word, soft and slow. ) You don't care about Leopold; you care about yourself and your own perceived expectations of perfection.

( he lets that score and sink in. )

No one has rubbed off on you. This is who you are.

[ She turns to look at him, so close to her that she can feel his breath on her cheek. His words hit their mark and cut to her core. The tears in her eyes are testament enough to that. ]

This is not--

[ She stops, her words catching in her throat and she turns away. She knows that he's right. This was never about Fitz. He got what he deserved. It has always been about Chloe's struggle to be right, to defend who she was in the face of the people who let her down. Her mother wanted her to follow in her footsteps. Dan wanted her to shut up and back down. She couldn't be what they wanted, and maybe in the effort to be good enough, she lost herself.

And at thirty-five years old, she still doesn't know where she is. ]

So many of the choices I've made have been because I wanted to be someone else. [ Her words are softer now, strangled through her tears. ] I have no idea what to do now.

( he waits for it. he sees it, changing in her eyes as she turns for the first time to seek his gaze: the truth. the admission. not plainly dealt, but obvious, hanging in the tears from her eyes, the fierceness of her stopped denial. his lashes flutter as he looks down on her.

he doesn't feel satisfaction. he didn't feel it for himself, to know and embrace the dark corners of his mind. but they have been his only companion for centuries and the comfort they have given him has been undeniable. even at that moment, when he slew his mother... he'd known the sickly blanket of power wrapping him up in its cage unlike any shield or weight he'd ever known. a part of him liked it.

her shame is a choice. right or wrong is a choice. no one chooses what path is inarguably good each time. the definition is flawed, as is everyone else who lives long enough.

slowly, klaus leans back. )

Accept yourself for the choices you've made. Move on.

( easier said than done. )

Be who you want to be. ( it's what he's done. is doing. is trying to do, so desperately, for his daughter. for his family. an amalgam of the choices he's made and the father he needs to be. )

Edited 2019-02-25 17:29 (UTC)

[ She turns her attention back to Fitz. What is she even doing here? Chloe has never carried guilt with her, but not because she hasn't done bad things, horrible things. But each choice she made she did so because there was no other option or, rather, because the option left was unacceptable.

She killed Graham to protect herself, to protect her daughter. She let the man who murdered her father walk free because she refused to call Lucifer a liar. A man who could have easily gone on to hurt others, to kill other fathers, all because she was too stubborn to tell a lie.

Of course, that problem had been taken care of for her, hadn't it? Not unlike how Freya's Mirror had been killed, not unlike Lucifer murdering his brother to save her, and certainly not unlike her desperation in asking Seth to kill her because she was too much of a coward to do it herself.

Chloe might not have blood on her hands, but maybe that was only because she surrounded herself with people who were willing to dirty their own on her behalf.

That didn't make her any better than them. In a way, it made her worse. ]

I keep looking at this like it was some turning point, like this is the one thing I've ever done that crossed the line. But you're right. This is always who I've been.

[ She has taken measures to hide her selfishness under the guise of her moral staunchness, and others have suffered for it. Lucifer and Seth did when she died. Her mother did when her father's killer walked away. She wasn't protecting Lucifer when she told the truth on the stand that day. She had been protecting herself by elevating the honor of the man she loved over the memory of her father. Because she valued her future more than her past.

And that's what she's done here. She valued the life of an innocent woman over the life of a killer. And that's why she suffers now, as she clings to empty principles she now isn't sure she ever possessed in the first place. ]

I just want to be myself, Klaus. I just want to finally be happy with who I already am.

[ Which, she now understands, means learning to forgive herself for the very things she's forgiven others for, time and time again. ]

( it's not an easy road. what is, in the journey of self-realization, self-actualization, acceptance? he does not want to lie to her, to tell her it is simple or quick; the truth is it is neither of those things. there are pitfalls and steps back. there is no end to quelling self-loathing that has been learned. this he knows.

chloe is different. her life; it's been different. he hopes the obstacles that will be put in her path are none-so damaging as his, but there's no guarantee she will be spared more suffering, of her own devise or not. the only guarantee is that she will continue, good or bad. he knows that if she keeps to her will, she will persevere.

he's soft, merciful, as he replies. he speaks from experience. ) I've found accepting yourself; more, finding happiness with yourself, is a difficult thing. ( he's still—always—trying to find some content. security. only with his family, friends, caroline, has he found some peace. with his daughter. ) You will always have moments of doubt. You will grieve, you will anger, but you will also find moments of peace, ( he reaches out, places a hand on her shoulder ) knowing you are not alone.

[ She's felt alone, most of her life. The only person who she ever believed truly understood her--her father--was taken from her too soon. And there's a part of her that knows, if he were here now, what he would say wouldn't be all that different from the words that Klaus is offering.

Because she isn't alone. Lucifer saw her, for all her flaws and her virtues. Klaus sees her guilt. He also sees a way out.

The touch of his hand grounds her, his voice a guiding force through the dark. Finally, she looks at him with a look that nearly borders on understanding. Perhaps it isn't until now that she's truly seen his struggle, but it is the first moment she realizes if she can forgive him, she is capable of forgiving herself, somehow. ]

I'm doing the best I can. Maybe that should be enough.

[ Not perfect. But enough. ]

+ Guilt Runs Deep

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