+ Guilt Runs Deep

[vitaelamorte]

Who: Everyone!
Where: The Mansion
When: Feb 23-25
Rating: Please warn in top level subject lines for potential triggers/NSFW
Summary: Various residents are trapped in their own guilt, watching their guiltiest memory play on a loop.
The Story:

Welcome to the gathering post for the event. Please see the plotting post for more information + the bulletin board link. Have fun!

Comments

[outstandingbalance]

It's a good thing it's Steve who shows up. The list of other people who could have walked in on this and not had Natasha shut down is short—close to nonexistent. It's not just that he already knows, though that helps too, but that he's a friend. That she already trusts him enough to be vulnerable.

His statement makes her shack her head; when she speaks, her voice is just a little rougher than usual, a burr of emotion that doesn't quite resolve into anger or sadness or pain. "Yes, I did." Maybe not much of a choice, but that didn't mean she didn't have one. More importantly, she's not interested in pretending she's not responsible for what she's done. "I did it anyway."

And that's the real heart of the matter. She did it. If she had a choice or not, they'd been her friends and their blood was still on her.

[captain_america]

She was right, and he wouldn't argue the fact with her. "You did, but a lot of that blame is also on the red room, for putting you all in that position in the first place. You made a choice in a situation that gave you two options."

He knows he doesn't understand what it was like, and he can't honestly say he would have made the same choice, but she's his friend and he trusts, respects her.

[outstandingbalance]

"Steve... You don't have to stay for this." It starts playing again, the way it's already replayed for her several times before. Natasha hugs herself against the scene, her expression shuttered.

Her gaze is fixed away from him.

[captain_america]

He knows that, but he doesn’t want to leave her alone to watch this over and over. Not unless she wants him gone.

“I know, I want to stay. Unless you want me to go?” He will, but only if she asks. He knows it’s not easy for her to be vulnerable with people, but she can be with him and he will support her if she needs it.

[outstandingbalance]

Natasha doesn't want him to leave. Not really. Who would want to face this alone?

That's not exactly the same as saying she wants him to stay though. Just... it's a real, real short list of people she'd rather have next to her if her past was going to be put on display.

"So... what's the trick? We have to make peace with ourselves again?" Wonderland's best hits.

[captain_america]

She doesn't tell him to go, so he doesn't, making himself more comfortable next to her.

"We have to forgive ourselves." It took him a while to figure that out. "Seems like this is supposed to be hell."

[outstandingbalance]

As comfortable as possible at least, right? Natasha takes some comfort in his presence. His words get a little wince, though.

"Would have thought hell would be worse." Which isn't the same as being all right with this, is it. Forgive herself? Huh. "I made peace with this a long time ago..."

[captain_america]

“Me too, a lot more fire or something.” He was raised Irish catholic, this was definitely not their version of hell. Though reliving something you can’t forgove yourself for is a very subtle particular torture that is probably effective.

“I thought i’d made peace with Bucky too, apparently Wonderland knows us better than we do.” That is to say, she might have made peace but that’s not the same.

[outstandingbalance]

"There's a difference between making peace and forgiving yourself." That's a guess, really. But it makes sense. You can accept something happened, live with it, even forget about it most days, while never entirely forgiving.

Natasha winces a little at Steve's statement.

"Glad to see you got out."

[captain_america]

“That’s what I’m assuming.” It was easier to convince yourself you were over it than to actually forgive yourself for something like that- like this.

He nods, mouth turning up slightly despite himself. “I had some help.” Some tiny, determined, blonde help.

[outstandingbalance]

Natasha nods slightly, her eyes still fixed on the scene around them. "Guess at least we get that here."

She hates these. She always hates these. The way Wonderland rifles around in their memories looking for secrets or sore spots, everything from embarrassments to trauma, all on display.

[captain_america]

He leans his shoulder against her’s in support. He might not be able to help her forgive herself for this but he can be here with her for however long she needs. It’s not something she has to face alone.

“Not just here.”

[outstandingbalance]

Natasha leans back against him slightly, a nudge with her shoulder. He'll be able to feel how tense she is. She hides it well, but it's clear she's stiffer than she looks as she watches the murders play out again.

It still doesn't make sense. She did this. But she's done worse, and she's done it when she didn't have the excuse of being a child, being threatened with starvation or with being killed herself. It seems impossible to imagine she'd feel more guilty about this than those...

It's a long moment before she winces, the logic coming together.