entrancelogs | + Guilt Runs Deep

"No!!" Steven cries that out at Malachite's last piercing statement. He didn't want to face that it could be true. And just like that, the last portion of the event plays out as Steven remembers it.

And then he blinks, disoriented, as he finds himself back at the beginning of it all. But's quick to keep himself on task and immediately focuses on Lapis. In response to her statement, he shakes his head and then speaks softly. "But I do. Until I figure out how to break you free from this, I'll be here. The last thing I want is for you to just suffer this alone. Not again!"

"I... I think I'm starting to understand," Lapis says, although from her tone, and generally because she's her, it doesn't seem like a positive thing.

"This is your chance to take revenge!" Jasper is saying behind her, and then adds -- "On me! Because I make such a great villain for you to feel good about beating down!"

Lapis shudders and stares down at her hands. "All of this is still in me. Even if I don't want it anymore."

Steven looks on and gives a somber nod. "Y-yeah. Even with everything that changed, this is still a part of you. But... you've come so far since then, Lapis. Just think of that. I know you can face this!"

For a moment Lapis just stands there with the grief on her face steadily deepening. She wants to listen to him, she knows that; Steven has helped her so much, and the fact that he still believes in her means the world. It's just hard, even if she thinks she understands. Understanding can cut either way, in reality, depending on whether it ends up in the hands of the optimist or the defeatist, and it's easy for her to become resigned.

"I want to," she says with a little difficulty. "But... how am I supposed to move on from something that's part of me?"

Edited 2019-03-22 16:14 (UTC)

It's a difficult question. Steven finds his hand drifting down towards his gem - how do you move on from something that's a part of you?

"I don't know." He finds himself admitting that. But after a moment, he goes on.

"I don't know, because... I think that's something only you can really know. But I think I might now how to find that out.." He doesn't want to acknowledge Jasper's taunts, but he has to. He thinks back... he sees Lapis's confrontation with Jasper on the yacht. He sees Connie comforting him while the two from the sky. He balls up his fists assertively.

"You... you have to face what you did and let it all out. Every part of it! Even parts you don't want to think about. I know it won't be easy, but... being honest about everything might be the only way!"

Lapis closes her eyes, thinking. Everything is kind of a chaotic mess right now and there's little she can feel certain about, but as someone who is capable of self-awareness, she finds that she believes Steven. His words slot into place like something she should already know, even. Because the bright side to understanding, even for the pessimist, is that it's still progress in some direction; someone like her just needs a course adjustment sometimes. "Okay," she says, as if it were simple, as if that one word were easy.

Of course then there's the task of figuring out where the heck to even start. Steven, at least, already knows all this.

So Lapis, too, thinks of the things her fake Jasper has been saying, even though she doesn't want to -- because she doesn't want to, maybe. "It's just... I already know this was wrong. Everyone knows this was wrong, except Jasper. And I know... when I fused with her, I thought I was standing up to her. I kept telling myself I was protecting you from her, Steven. For a long time. But by the end, I don't think I cared who we hurt at all anymore."

"You never cared," Jasper says. "It was just convenient that I was mean to you. I was the bad guy, so you got to pretend you were making some noble sacrifice to give me what I deserved."

"You deserved a punch in the face," Lapis tells her flatly, "but not this." It's almost dry, which might be a promising sign, although sass is a core functionality for her.

Jasper shrugs, like she can't really contest that, and grins again. "But it's so tempting to think like I did. You still hate me. You still can't stand thinking that you might not be the only victim in the world, and you can't stand knowing that if I didn't deserve it, maybe that means you did."

Steven braces himself and watches as Lapis begins to talk. She and Jasper start to talk together... Maybe this was the key all the long. For Lapis to have an honest conversation with her. As they speak, Lapis's motivations feel heavy and hard to take in.

Jasper's last comments particularly sting. Steven winces slightly, before he asks timidly, "Lapis... Do you really feel that way?"

Lapis looks torn, even confused for a moment, as if that's an answer she has to sort out. "I did. And... maybe I still do, but not the way I used to. I am getting better." Which is heartening. That's a good thing to be reminded of.

"Better than me!" Jasper chimes in almost eagerly. Lapis sorta huffs at her.

"I don't have to like you to know what I did was wrong," she says, and then hesitates, glancing back to Steven uneasily. "...Right?"

Steven answers her with a soft nod.

"Right. ...No matter what you think of her, that doesn't change what you did." He says that softly. "And it doesn't change that you're improving, either. Every step is an important one. No one can change completely all at once! ...Unless you shapeshift, but that's different." He realizes he should probably just stop talking.

"I just don't know how to make peace with this. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to deal with Jasper, and now even if I wanted to... it's too late. This isn't real."

The real Jasper is in a bubble in Steven's basement. In another monster. What Malachite did to her has already reached its miserable conclusion, and while Lapis would just as soon never see her again, it's a sick feeling to know there will never even be the option of any more closure than that.

Still... maybe it does help, talking about it. Giving words to things she usually tries not to think about. It at least makes them look a bit more manageable. There's no fanfare, but Lapis's feet move and she begins to turn away from the fake Jasper of the past. It's hesitant, but it's progress. "But I don't want to keep doing this to myself either. I don't want to keep feeling like I have to." She gives Steven a tight, distant look. "You always make it easier."

Jasper makes no attempt to stop her or move after her, and really, maybe she's already defeated. She has no power over anyone here beyond what they give her. Regardless, Lapis isn't gone yet, nor Steven, and like a machine following its program, Jasper is still trying as long as she has anything available to try. And suddenly, she too is addressing Steven. "You always take her side. I never got the kind of chances you gave her. But you know as much as anyone that I deserved better, don't you" -- and there are melodramatic finger quotes here -- "'Rose?'"

Steven looks towards Lapis as she speaks. The hint of a soft smile forms when she mentions that he makes it easier. That's one good thing, at least. As long as he's helping her in some way...

"Just think of it as one step at a time. You don't have to feel like you're making peace with the whole thing all at once..."

But of course Jasper still persists, and now that she's actually talking to Steven, he frowns as he takes a step back. Being addressed as Rose now comes with an extra sting, amplified by the finger quotes.

"That... that's not true! I wanted to help you too, really. But things just didn't work out that way..."

Lapis frowns at both of them. When they learned the truth about Steven's mother, 'what does this mean for Jasper' was certainly the farthest thought from her mind, but... Pink Diamond's actions had such far-reaching effects for pretty much everyone ever, it's true. And maybe she can't bring herself to feel bad for Jasper, but Lapis understands her, frankly, better than she'd like. If the real finger-quotes-Rose were actually here, there might even be some kind of a point to be made.

But she's not, so it doesn't change anything now. This is only a phantom trying to spread blame and shame however it can; turning against Steven only makes that more clear. "It wasn't your fault. None of it was," Lapis says to him quiety.

That's the kind of thing that's easier to say to someone else than yourself, but saying it at all still makes it seem clearer and perhaps more applicable. So actually Phantom Jasper's last gasp was counterproductive, if anything. Well, how do you move on from something that's part of you? There's a lot that neither of them can fully address, in the end, here and now and by themselves. So it may be that she's not exactly done with this, and maybe Steven isn't either, for his part. But maybe that's no reason to sit here stewing in it either.

Lapis gives a long sigh, looking over the burning beach, and then turns to Steven fully. She can't quite smile at him, she's pretty darn drained and this is gonna need some recovery time, but she can't keep being overwhelmed by this nightmare either. It's too fake and too pointless. "I think I can go now," she says.

Steven had almost stumbled and gotten caught up by his own feelings of guilt. But luckily Lapis's words snapped him out of it. Not only did it help to hear that from Lapis, but it helped him to re-focus on her instead of the fake Jasper.

And as Lapis gives her final answer, Steven looks at her with a weary smile and extends a small hand.

"Then let's bust this popsicle stand."

"I have no idea what that means," Lapis says blandly. There's never a bad time to keep a running joke going. A moment later, though, she takes the hand -- it can't last long, she's going to need some serious alone time with a strong personal bubble after all this, but the gesture exists and is good. And, more gently, she adds, "Thank you."

Steven just keeps doing this kind of thing for her, man.

It's pretty much the answer that he expected, and it brings some more fondness to his smile.

As she takes his hand and thanks him, he answers softly, "I'm just glad I could help." He knows this isn't the end of Lapis's personal problems, but pulling her away from the cycle of Malachite feels like a significant step. And most importantly, it's putting a stop to Lapis's immediate suffering!

With that, leading Lapis by the hand, he turns back the way he came.

+ Guilt Runs Deep

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