entrancelogs | I'm trying not to sleep

Entry tags:

I'm trying not to sleep

Who: Clara & anyone! (totally open)
Where: Around the mansion
When: The week after the shadow event
Rating: TBA
Summary: When you have a terrible shadow event, it's time to stay busy to forget about it
The Story: Clara is beyond humiliated.

She's lost a great deal of her pride, she's fractured almost every single relationship she's formed in her time here, and she's at a loss as to what she needs to do to make herself feel better. So the best solution in her mind is simply not to think about it and stay busy. She can't act like any of the things her shadow said never happened, of course, but she doesn't have to linger on it. There's too much hurt there for her, and it's best to just build up some walls on the inside and close it off and away. And sleep? Forget about it, there's way too much time to have thoughts loiter on everything that went wrong, or have pesky dreams slip in, and that's definitely not something she wants to have happen.

On Tuesday, she has plans with both Luke and Owen, and despite not being up to her usual spirited nature she's grateful for the chance to interact with the both of them without shadows present.

On Wednesday, she thinks she has self-defense lessons but also spends a good portion of the day sprawled out in the sun at the beach. She's not usually a beach dweller and she doesn't usually sunbathe, but she thinks it's the perfect place to read through some Jules Verne. Journey to the Center of the Earth was a childhood favorite, and it makes her feel safe and nostalgic so she's grateful that the library has a copy on hand just waiting for her.

On Thursday, she spends her time out in the gardens, working on both drawing and painting. Her lessons with Whale have left her eager to continue practicing, working on a drawing of white roses which she has every intention of painting red by the end of the day. If someone happens across her, she's more than likely to grab hold of them and convince them to pose for her so she can attempt a more complicated subject.

Friday finds Clara holed up in the library, a stack of books on space piled up around her. She's sitting cross legged on the floor, and the pile of books towers above her, constantly wobbling as if they're about to topple at any given second. There's fiction, non-fiction, and even some picture books at her side. She started the day out reading for research but now has an old, worn copy of The Little Prince in hand. It brings back memories of her mother, and those are always good to hold onto when she's having a difficult time.

The rest of the weekend is spent either at the swimming pool or her room. The pool she's never really used before, so it's nice to just float around and stare up at nothing in particular. It's a funny feeling, just aimlessly floating, doing nothing for hours on end. She almost feels guilty for it, but it's a nice break from being cooped up in the library. When she's in her room she's working on painting her walls, trying to complete constellations for the night sky she's painted across every single wall. She's not much of an artist, but this has given her something to do in her time here, and the project is almost complete. There's even a little TARDIS painted right up above her bed.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"What, so I need to put your chance in the way you speak, the look in your eyes, and your sudden lack of interest in anything we've talked about together?" She pouts a bit, she's not liking the pieces of this puzzle. If it wasn't his mirror or something the mansion did to him, then how is she supposed to go about finding clues?

"It's not impossible. Just difficult."

Whale took out his own sketchpad. He flipped to the appropriate page and showed it to her. It was a sketch he made of Adam Monroe, the man who looked just like Whale. Whale hadn't seen him since he ran experiments on the man.

But this picture would help Clara. Adam and Whale looked alike on the surface, but were very different underneath. Adam appeared physically younger, and there was a completely different look in his eyes. Adam's eyes held the weight of all the centuries he lived, the horrors and heartbreaks he experienced. An old soul, but an expressive one.

"If you have an artist's eyes, you will be able to tell me what's different in this picture."

"That's not you. It's the man that was here before. Adam?" The two men looked alike, but she could easily tell them apart, and so this picture isn't all that hard to identify.

"And the eyes, they're obviously different. It doesn't take an artist to see that. Just someone observant. He looks like he cares about everything."

She holds up her sketch of Whale, peeking around her sketchbook. "You, on the other hand? Not so much."

"Very good, Clara." Again, he was lacking any sort of enthusiasm in his voice. If he could, he would feel pride in her. The thoughts were in his mind but they simply didn't connect.

"And what is it do you think that makes me look that way?"

"I dunno yet. That's the part I'm trying to figure out." She reminds him, pouting in annoyance. "Maybe...it could be a spell?" She hates suggesting that, because magic isn't exactly her thing, but she knows that people here are capable of producing spells.

"A spell." He repeated the words with the slightest inclination of his head. A part of him wanted her to know, but if she knew... She would make him put it back. He didn't want that.

"I'm a doctor and a scientist. Why would I want anything to do with magic?"

"I wasn't thinking you had a choice in the matter...exactly." But that response is curious enough to make her stare over at him, critically trying to figure out what that could possibly mean. "If you angered someone that knows magic, they'd do something to you as retaliation. That sort of thing."

"That's true," Whale agreed. He certainly angered someone with magic, and she certainly did something in retaliation. But it wasn't this. His dead eyes wouldn't give her any clues.

"I didn't anger any magic users recently, but it was a good guess."

"Any other hints, then?" She sounds a bit cross, and it's all because she's feeling incompetent and useless. She hates it when she feels like this, like there's a simple solution that's just within reach or in plain sight and she can't wrap her mind around the puzzle enough to be able to solve it.

"Is it something that's easily fixed? Please say it's that, at least."

He let out a slow sigh. "I don't want it fixed, Clara," he said. He drew the words out slowly and carefully so she would understand. "I chose this. Feel free to figure it out, but I'm asking you to leave it at that."

"You chose to be like this. You mean you really, actually decided that oh, I don't like showing emotion or feelings anymore so please, someone out there in Wonderland, please remove my ability to do such things? And then, there was actually someone that was willing, so you decided to become what is essentially a human shell?" Excuse her, she doesn't quite understand his reasoning. She actually looks a little worked up now.

"Sorry, but I can't just see how you can ask me to leave it at that."

"Clara..." He reached out to touch her hand. It was a gesture of affection but there was nothing behind it. "What I am about to tell you is very important, and I'm trusting you to not tell anyone."

He paused to let her absorb that before he went on. "Magic comes at a price. This is my price for using magic. I don't want you involved in it. Despite my lacking ability to show it, I do care about you, Clara. I've lost my entire family. I don't want to add you to that list, understand?"

"Definitely won't be a problem." She informs him, knowing very well that she and magic don't mix. It doesn't make any sense, it can't be trusted, and apparently it does things like entirely change people. "If you've lost your entire family, why in the hell would you add losing yourself to the list? You knew magic came at a price! You could've avoided the end result."

She's not lecturing him, she's being angry in his general direction. She thinks of him as a friend and a mentor, someone she can look up to. And then he goes and does something like this? She's still not even quite sure what this is, but it's not good, and she's now determined to reverse it.

"You said that you don't want it to be fixed. Why? What could possibly be so great about being this way?"

He stared at her evenly. She was a good girl, too good to be mixed up with him. Everyone who got close to him ended up dead. Even without his heart, he didn't want that for her.

"I was tired of feeling it," he said quietly. "I don't want to feel it. Maybe that makes me weak, but I don't care. The beauty of this is that I don't care about anything."

Not entirely true. He did care, he just couldn't feel it anymore.

"And you're really okay with that." It comes out almost sounding disgusted, and she takes a step in closer, so she can get up in his personal space. "How can you be? How can you just give up one of the most important parts of being human? So, you were tired of feeling something that hurts, you pick yourself up and you move on!"

She's a bit offended that she still hurts from the loss of her mother and he finds it appropriate to just stop caring and feeling, hurting is a part of life that you're supposed to learn from, to become stronger by experiencing. He's cheating the system by bypassing it entirely.

Good, she was getting disgusted. That was one step closer to her being far away from him. He smiled humorlessly.

"Maybe I didn't want to be human anymore," he answered. "Maybe I wanted to be a monster. I am Victor Frankenstein, after all." He tapped her sketchpad where his image was drawn. "That's my real name, you know. Victor Frankenstein. Monsters are just part of who I am."

"Oh, come on!" She shouts, giving him a look of total disbelief. "You're a scientist. A mad one, maybe, but one all the same. Don't tell me you're like the rest of the world and confuse Frankenstein as being the monster." A part of her realizes that he wants her to be angry at him, to think less of him. To give up. But she's not a person who walks away, especially not from situations like this.

So she sets her sketchbook down near her easel and charges in close to him, getting up in his space. And then she pokes at his chest roughly, before balling up her hand into a fist to hit at his arm. "I'm going to figure out a way to reverse this, and you're going to be an adult and deal with it."

Poor girl. This would be breaking his heart, if it was still inside him to be touched like this. He took her hit calmly, then took her hand in both of his.

"I'm not confused, Clara. I am a monster. I certainly turned my own brother into one, and then I stood by and did nothing while he beat our father to death. And that is when I could feel something, Clara. Do you really think a man like that is worth bringing back?"

He was being cruel now, but it was better she learn now and be done with him.

She isn't moved by his speech, and stares up at him with not a single ounce of sympathy. "Yes," She insists, glancing down briefly at their hands. "Anyone is worth bringing back, if they can be redeemed. And part of that redemption? Is learning how to deal with the horrible things you've done, and the way they make you feel. Taking away that part of yourself doesn't make you a monster. You're being too generous when you call yourself a monster. Even monsters have the ability to be courageous and face what they've done."

What she was saying reminded him of Ruby's words: second chances, making something new of the life he was given. And Whale honestly tried to do that, but what was the point? He thought he redeemed himself a little when he saved Greg Mendel's life, but it ended up he just damned the entire town. If it weren't for Regina and Emma, it would've been destroyed. That wasn't just a single life; that was his home. And knowing that, he couldn't pull himself together to help Ruby.

His Shadow was right about him: all he ever did was fail. So he gave up his ability to feel, so the weight of his mistakes would stop crushing him.

"Yes, I'm a coward," Whale agreed. He rose to his feet, turning away from her. "I'm going back to my room now. I think the lesson is over."

"So you're just gonna walk away?" It comes out on a huff, and she gives out a soft trill of frustration. She doesn't understand him, not when he's like this. She still thinks fondly of him, and is determined to fix him, even though he says he has no desire to go back to the way he was.

"That's not very fair to either of us."

"Clara..." He wanted to go back and see what his heart was doing right now. Was it glowing, giving out a pulse, showing any sign that he would've been feeling an emotion? But she wouldn't leave it alone, so he faced her.

"You don't have magic, so you can't fix it. I'm sorry, but that's the truth."

"Maybe not. But I know people here that do." And even if she doesn't believe in it, she's willing to get caught up in all that mess to try and fix this. She knows that once he's back to normal, he'll understand and thank her. And if not, then he can just live with the feel of hating her for doing what's right.

He touched her shoulder, squeezing it gently. "I'm sure you do." She was a good girl. Determined and focused. A lot like him, actually, which was why he liked her. What was his heart doing now?

"But I'm not telling you where to find it."

"I'm not expecting you to. I want you to promise you won't try to stop me." Her hand goes up to touch at his, and she gives it a gentle squeeze. It's more of an attempt to implore him to use some common sense and try to be a decent person again. She doesn't like him like this, doesn't make any sense out of why he would choose this.

"It though," she pauses, realizing something. "You said it. What is it that you're not gonna help me find?"

(no subject)

jolting - 2013-06-27 14:06 (UTC) - Expand

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only