entrancelogs | No-one comes out of this sane

Who: Sam Yao and YOU
Where: All over the mansion and grounds.
When: 19th-24th
Rating: PG-13. I think. Will change if needed.
Summary: Sam isn't suffering, but he's trying to help those who have. Certain revelations might make that difficult. (Huge spoilers for S2 M39 of Zombies, Run! onwards to the end of S3)
The Story:

19th-21st

[It's easy to tell that something has gone horribly wrong. The screaming, the people staggering around, angry or staring or arguing with people who aren't there, they're kind of a giveaway. And he's not sure exactly what's going on, what the problem is.

He feels useless. There's nothing he can do to help with this, except hopefully stop anyone getting hurt, and even then, he can't protect them all the time. He does what he can, helps Maxine at the clinic, tries to stop anyone hurting themselves or other people.

When Simon comes to him, paranoid and scared, of course Sam helps him. What else can he do for one of his Runners?]

22nd

[Anger, betrayal, they make him reckless, send him stomping and spitting away from his room, away from everyone he knows.

How can that end well?]

23rd

[When Sam revives, dizzy and sick and with one less life, he's in his bedroom, although he knows he didn't die there. Doesn't remember how he got back there. He can see, even though he remembers his eyes burning.

And then he sees Alice, blood oozing from a bite and demanding to know why he didn't save her. Alice and Ellis and Chris. Archie. His parents. He'd killed them all. he couldn't save anyone.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[There's a creeping drip of ice down his spine, but he can ignore it for now, worry overwhelming him. He smiles reassuringly, and leans over, giving Simon a tug.]

You're rambling. I mean, more than usual.

None of us want people to get hurt. It just happens sometimes. Come on. Get back to bed. Jo will wonder where you've gone.

You're not listening.

[ There's frustration in his voice now, something driven to the edge of desperation by the fact that he's talking and Sam can't hear, can't understand. Maybe it's better that way, but in that moment, Simon needs him to understand. Desperate acts by a desperate man. Isn't that what it always comes down to? ]

It didn't just happen. It was me, Sam. All of it. Or maybe not all of it, I don't even know. I can't be the only one. But that doesn't make it any less my fault. My fault, Sam. I can't make the voices stop. They just keep saying the same things, over and over, and they're right. Even your Mirror said it, knew it. I can't make it stop, Sam. I just want it to stop.

I don't understand! [There's frustration in Sam's voice, because he doesn't understand, isn't sure that he wants to understand.]

What happened, Simon? What's your fault?

[ Simon buried his face against his knees again, a choked breath that sounded something like a sob muffled as he raked his fingers through his hair again. ]

Abel. Archie. It's my fault, Sam. It was me. Maxine said... there's more. There's worse. And it's my fault. It's all my fault, Sam. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I didn't think... I can't change it. I don't know how to change it. It's too late. I'm the traitor.

[ The last words were whispered, broken, torn miserably away from him whether he wanted to confess them or not. ]

[A lead weight drops into Sam's stomach, ice fills his veins. He stares for a long moment]

No. That's not- that's a lie.

Stop being an idiot Simon.

Can't stop. It won't stop, Sam. None of it. I don't know how to change it. It's too late.

[ Simon huddles in tighter around himself, fingers clenched about his arms, nails biting into skin to leave sharp crescents visible as he buries his face once ore. His voice is bordering on hysterics at the moment, because he shouldn't have told, should have lied, but there's been so many lies. He's tired of them. He just wants it to stop. All of it. Will it ever stop? ]

[He can hardly breathe. He can't- he can't-]

You got Archie killed. You- you betrayed us!

[Suddenly everything is red and hot.]

My god, how many people have died because of you?! You sold us out to Van Ark and for what? We were your friends!

[ Simon flinched backwards at the furious words, though he'd expected nothing less. Stupid.

His head dropped back against his knees again, his fingers tight against his arms. ]

I don't know. There's not a good enough reason for it, not now.

[ Not here, when he can see just how stupid it was, no matter how desperate he'd been in the moment. It had been different here, and he'd never regretted it more bitterly than now. He was tired, wrung out, the weeks of guilt and accusations and the understanding of what his actions had caused. What he had caused. Between the Mirror and Maxine and now these few days of hellish loss of control...

He didn't have an answer that would make Sam any less furious at him. ]

There was never a good reason for it!

[He clenches his fists and part of him wants to hurt Simon and part of him just wants to cry. They'd been friends, or at least, Sam had thought they were, but obviously not if they were sold like that for one man's selfishness.]

We sheltered you! We trusted you. God, you saw what he did to Archie, what he tried to do to Maxine. To Holmes Settlement! And you-

You're a monster.

I know.

[ He doesn't even try to deny it. What's the point, when Sam's right? He's lied to himself, to everyone, for too long already. ]

I know. I am. I'm sorry, Sam.

Then why? Why did you do it?

You think saying sorry is going to get you out of this?

No. [ He doesn't meet his gaze, can't, just stares at some point near his feet, trying not to flinch beneath the fury in Sam's tone. ] I was desperate. I thought everyone was dead. I didn't want to die. And then... then I was wrong and everyone wasn't and I... it was too late. I guess I never really stopped being desperate.

No-one wants to die! You think Archie wanted to die? You think Chris or Stephanie or Alice wanted to die?! They still didn't sell us out!

You-

All this time I've been trying to keep you alive and you were helping him try to kill us.

I wasn't trying to help kill anyone!

[ That's enough to snap a response out of Simon at last and he's yelling, just as furious, uncaring if he wakes up the people still asleep in the bed, forgotten for the moment. ]

Christ, who do you think I am? I never wanted anyone to get hurt. I thought I was doing everything I could to keep that from happening. I was stupid, alright? I was desperate and I was stupid and no one is more aware of that right now than I am. Archie was my friend too. If you don't think that's been eating away at me ever since she died, you're wrong. If I could go back and change it? I would.

Could have fooled me.

What do you think Van Ark wanted? He wanted us dead. Blowing up Abel kind of proved that! What did you think was going to happen?

You- [He stops dead and grits his teeth before turning away.]

I don't want to look at you. I'm going.

[ Simon almost argues. almost points out that yes, blowing up Abel had proved that, but that was when the bastard had found him. When Abel was a smoking ruin, when he'd spent three days trapped on the roof of a pavilion thinking he was the only one left. No one on comms, no one living in sight, no one coming after him. When he'd spotted the first zoms he'd recognized from Abel joining the mob holding him trapped, he'd given up hope that there was anything left. At that point there'd only been survival left to think about. He'd have agreed to anything. So he did. A devil's bargain. At worst, he thought maybe he'd be used against New Canton, who he blamed for this mess anyway. When it turned out not to be the case... well, it was too late by then, wasn't it?

But he didn't offer any of that, because in the end, it didn't change anything either. He'd still done it. Still caused death and loss and destruction. He was damned any way he looked at it.

So instead he just curled up tighter against the wall, buried his face against his knees, and let Sam walk away.

It was probably better that way. ]

No-one comes out of this sane

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject