Bucky Barnes (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
readytocomply) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
entrancelogs2016-11-13 05:23 pm
readytocomply) wrote in entrancelogs2016-11-13 05:23 pm
Entry tags:
| closed | we look up at the same stars
Who: Bucky and Steve
Where: Various
When: After the event
Rating: Will update as needed
Summary: Catching up and figuring things out
The Story:
[One hundred and seventy-five days - over six months - half a year - since he'd woken up in that orchard.
Time meant something different for people like Bucky and Steve. In and out of cryo, decades under ice. They haven't talked about that, the displacement, but he knows Steve understands how he feels. They don't have to talk about a lot because, somehow, Steve always knows. He knows when he needs company and when he doesn't. Knows what to say when Bucky's head is twisted up. Bucky's convinced that there's not really anybody else that could get him like his best friend does. They grew up together. Years and war and violence didn't take away what made them them.
It wasn't always easy, Bucky blames himself for that. His guilt, what he does and doesn't think he deserves, it all puts pressure on how quickly he adjusts here. He'd had time before Wonderland, it hadn't been enough. The days here have been good for him, mostly, better than a lot before it. He's opened up to a few people, and even put himself out there, but there's a cycle he seems to have fallen into. Start to let someone in, hold the walls down just for a second, and then push the other person away. They deserve better and he deserves less. He hates that he's this way but he can't figure out how to stop it.
He wants to let people touch him - he used to be tactile, enjoying affection and attention - now he flinches away from it. Bucky's found himself in situations here that allowed for it, briefly, and even though he'd been happy with it in the moment, he'd regretted it after. He could hurt people that get too close and he should have been strong enough to keep to himself. He might need people, but they sure as hell didn't need him. At least he tells himself that. But Steve's stubborn, a constant. He's right there, never far. Most times, Bucky could stretch out an arm and touch him. He doesn't, but he thinks about it sometimes, wants to. He stays in Steve's room, still, and will until Steve doesn't want that anymore. Curled up on the couch with Dodger and Sugar, sometimes tucked between the wall and a piece of furniture on worse days, and more often now, curled up by Steve.
It's a good day today.
He wakes up naturally, and it's disorienting, though not unwelcome. Bucky remembers what he'd asked Steve, replays that conversation over and over in his mind - all the others after it. He's realized that he's been looking at this all wrong, listening to Steve but not letting it sink in. This isn't, couldn't be, something brand new or a fresh start. There's too much history and honestly, Bucky doesn't want that. He asks the closets for a bottle of its finest alcohol and two glasses, setting them on the table in Steve's room. Bucky texts Steve to ask him about getting that drink, tells him to meet him in his room if he's available. He'd considered the fifth floor bar, but it was too out in the open for Bucky to ever get comfortable. He even tries to look nice, as good as he can without a mirror, hair pulled back into a bun, and showered. It's probably not the best he's ever looked, but it's a start and Steve likes him the way he is. No pretenses.
When the door open, Bucky's standing, shoulders tense though he tries to relax.]
Hey, Steve.
[His eyes flick down to that bottle and those glasses, back up to blue with a hint of green.]
Where: Various
When: After the event
Rating: Will update as needed
Summary: Catching up and figuring things out
The Story:
[One hundred and seventy-five days - over six months - half a year - since he'd woken up in that orchard.
Time meant something different for people like Bucky and Steve. In and out of cryo, decades under ice. They haven't talked about that, the displacement, but he knows Steve understands how he feels. They don't have to talk about a lot because, somehow, Steve always knows. He knows when he needs company and when he doesn't. Knows what to say when Bucky's head is twisted up. Bucky's convinced that there's not really anybody else that could get him like his best friend does. They grew up together. Years and war and violence didn't take away what made them them.
It wasn't always easy, Bucky blames himself for that. His guilt, what he does and doesn't think he deserves, it all puts pressure on how quickly he adjusts here. He'd had time before Wonderland, it hadn't been enough. The days here have been good for him, mostly, better than a lot before it. He's opened up to a few people, and even put himself out there, but there's a cycle he seems to have fallen into. Start to let someone in, hold the walls down just for a second, and then push the other person away. They deserve better and he deserves less. He hates that he's this way but he can't figure out how to stop it.
He wants to let people touch him - he used to be tactile, enjoying affection and attention - now he flinches away from it. Bucky's found himself in situations here that allowed for it, briefly, and even though he'd been happy with it in the moment, he'd regretted it after. He could hurt people that get too close and he should have been strong enough to keep to himself. He might need people, but they sure as hell didn't need him. At least he tells himself that. But Steve's stubborn, a constant. He's right there, never far. Most times, Bucky could stretch out an arm and touch him. He doesn't, but he thinks about it sometimes, wants to. He stays in Steve's room, still, and will until Steve doesn't want that anymore. Curled up on the couch with Dodger and Sugar, sometimes tucked between the wall and a piece of furniture on worse days, and more often now, curled up by Steve.
It's a good day today.
He wakes up naturally, and it's disorienting, though not unwelcome. Bucky remembers what he'd asked Steve, replays that conversation over and over in his mind - all the others after it. He's realized that he's been looking at this all wrong, listening to Steve but not letting it sink in. This isn't, couldn't be, something brand new or a fresh start. There's too much history and honestly, Bucky doesn't want that. He asks the closets for a bottle of its finest alcohol and two glasses, setting them on the table in Steve's room. Bucky texts Steve to ask him about getting that drink, tells him to meet him in his room if he's available. He'd considered the fifth floor bar, but it was too out in the open for Bucky to ever get comfortable. He even tries to look nice, as good as he can without a mirror, hair pulled back into a bun, and showered. It's probably not the best he's ever looked, but it's a start and Steve likes him the way he is. No pretenses.
When the door open, Bucky's standing, shoulders tense though he tries to relax.]
Hey, Steve.
[His eyes flick down to that bottle and those glasses, back up to blue with a hint of green.]
no subject
Have I ever told you that you talk too much?
[Maybe not recently, but he's sure he's said it before. Not that he's ever minded, and they've got an easy banter going along with what they're doing that Bucky's been enjoying, but he'd rather just kiss him now.
Which he does, punctuating the end of his sentence by covering Steve's mouth with his own as he lifts up a bit more. His hands slide across Steve's shoulders, one curling in the hair at the back of his head, fingers stroking in a way that's meant to be soothing if only for himself.
He's not trying to push Steve either, parts his lips, but doesn't take the kiss much further.]
no subject
Well, if he gets too excited, he can always bury that down and deal with it himself later. This is the first time Bucky's doing any of this, so Steve definitely doesn't want to push him into an uncomfortable area. He'll do his best to downplay his arousal.
Not that that's the easiest thing when Bucky keeps kissing him and touching him. Right as Steve's about to challenge him with a comment about how he could find ways to get him to be quiet, Bucky does just that, closing the distance between their mouths again.
Steve's hands move up to the side of Bucky's face, brushing over the stubble on his cheeks and jaw, and then holds him in place as he kisses back. They've made out before, plenty of times, which means that it's hard for Steve not to start making use of his tongue in all this, but he's always been good at self-control when necessary. And right now, it seems pretty necessary.
As an alternative, Steve just keeps planting kisses on Bucky's mouth, soft and gentle and tender. ]
no subject
Knowing he really should just talk to Steve, but stubborn enough to not want to, Bucky decides to show him that he wants to keep going, and that he wants more than kisses - even if he doesn't think he can go all the way yet.
Bucky tips back to look Steve over, drags the pad of his thumb across Steve's lower lip, runs his hand down his stomach and plays with the hem of his shirt. He really was beautiful, and Bucky remembers thinking Steve was beautiful before the serum, too. He wonders if how he feels has anything to do with how much he loves him or if it's all tangled up together, if attraction and emotion were all part of the same thing. They had to be. The longer Bucky looks at him, the more he can find to appreciate, the more he wants to touch and kiss him.
Bucky slips his hand under Steve's shirt, moving until he can he feel hard, warm skin. His eyes flick to Steve's mouth - ]
Kiss me, Steve. [He's a little breathless, exhaling hard before he manages a raised brow and a small smirk.] Like you mean it.
[Because he does want this. He wants to feel normal. Bucky wants Steve to do this with him and he can't stand the idea that Hydra has taken everything from him, even something like this. He's not going to break, his expression implies, he can handle this, and when he can't, he'd let Steve know, if his best friend can't tell first.]
no subject
When Bucky's hand snakes under his shirt, Steve's back goes straight and he shivers, the warmth of his palm against his abdomen provocative and enticing. He's about to vibrate right out of his skin in his attempts to not just jump Bucky and end this agonizing build-up.
As if Bucky can read his mind, he gives him the go-ahead then. Like you mean it, as if Steve doesn't mean it. He always means it. He's an honest person, and that shows in the way that he handles intimacy too. Now that he finally has permission, he can shed all of that passive behavior and really go for it.
So his hands slide from Bucky's face over his neck down to his shoulders, a bracing grip. Once they're positioned right, Steve leans forward to kiss Bucky again, and while it's all chaste enough at first, testing and sweet, he doesn't take long to get his tongue into the mix too.
He already knows what it's like to kiss Bucky with all he's got, so this is more like coming home than anything else. Steve inhales and then gets to work, swirling his tongue around inside of Bucky's mouth, pressing against Bucky's tongue and sucking at it, digging his nails lightly into Bucky's shoulders.
It took some time, half a year or so, but they're back here again. ]
no subject
It was slow, he was still working on it, but one day Bucky woke up and the asset didn't come back. Memory and experiences kept him dormant, and even if the threat was still there, he stopped feeling like he'd split and shatter at the smallest wrong move.
He was a patchwork man, pieced back together by faith and love, and in his lowest moments, Bucky remembered that both those things could be found in Steve. He thought Bucky could get better, believed in him when he didn't believe in himself, and loved him. Was in love with him. He didn't feel deserving of it but he wanted to spend every second he had left to live trying to be. He wanted to tease and touch, to kiss his best friend and work up the courage to tell him that happiness was the shape of Steve's smile and the blue color of his eyes.
Knowing all this, Bucky's body doesn't react when his mind reminds him of how dangerous Steve is. That he's strong and clever and could hurt him if he wanted to. Steve's patient hands and soft mouth feel amazing and parting his lips to let his tongue slip in is an almost immediate reaction to the warmth and pressure.
There's a thrumming under his skin he hasn't felt in years. Adrenaline and desire, sense-memory taking over as he smooths his hands over Steve's shoulders and straddles his lap, knees pinned to the sides of the other man's thighs. Bucky's vibrating with a good kind of tension that feels brands new, and he exhales in a rush against Steve's mouth in a way that would have been a loud groan if he hadn't stopped it. The press of nails against his shoulders, the way he'd sucked at Bucky's tongue have his hips moving on their own, seeking contact and friction.]
Steve.
[His voice is soft and thready, almost a whine that he didn't know he was capable of. Impatient fingers drag down Steve's sides, tugging his shirt up and breaking the kiss to make it happen. He takes the space of two seconds to admire what science made of Steve's body before he dips back in and presses kisses across his collarbone, breathing heavily as if he was close to being out of breath.
He feels like he's on that edge again, ready to split open. It's not the same. His walls want to crack to make a gap big enough for Steve to fill.]
no subject
Maybe there are still triggers buried deep down. Steve can hope that they'll never surface again if no one has the book, if no one speaks the words, but they can't be certain of that either. It hasn't become a problem in Bucky's long months here, and it hadn't been a problem during his previous stay, aside from the effects of events. Which is something that influences all of them, so it's different.
The point is, they've come a long way, Steve retracing old steps and Bucky charting new territory, but they'd been side-by-side as they did it. And now he's got Bucky in his lap, breathing out his name, sliding his hands all over him, and Steve knows this is the most relaxed he's been in a long time. Actually, that probably applies to both of them, or he hopes that it does.
When Bucky starts to yank his shirt up, Steve does what he can to help him along, lifting his arms and then pulling it over his head to toss it aside. This has already progressed further than either of them probably expected, but Steve isn't going to stop while they've still got momentum going, now that Bucky's made his desires clear.
He lets out a pleased humming noise as Bucky works on his collarbone, his hands reaching out so that he can rest one at the center of Bucky's back and use the other to play with the hair at the back of Bucky's neck. ]
You're doing great. [ That heat from earlier has settled down into a comfortable warmth, and Steve lets his eyes fall closed as he keeps a tight hold on Bucky in his lap. ]
no subject
He wars with himself, wanting to push out all thought so he can relax even further, and knowing he's only going to enjoy himself if he can find the right balance. Focus on the way Steve tastes and feels. Accept, process, and forget about everything else that goes through his head that isn't this. It's a lot, bordering on too many things for a few seconds, but he figures he's doing pretty good because of the sounds Steve keeps making, eyes falling shut in a way that's entirely too trusting.
He needed that, and those words - he didn't realize how much he'd needed it.]
Fuck, Steve.
[Mouthing his way lower, back bowed, he takes Steve's nipple into his mouth and sucks gently, tongue and teeth working it over. His hand moves to cup his other pec, only to smooth back out again and splay against Steve's abdomen. Bucky tries to go slow, to let his body respond to what Steve's is telling him, to listen to sounds and react to movements so he doesn't get caught up by not knowing exactly what Steve likes or doesn't.
He kisses his way back up, hands moving and tracing, and committing to memory everything he swears to himself he'll never forget.]
We should'a done this sooner.
[Not that he'd been ready. The moment hadn't been right. All things that make perfect valid sense, but don't carry any weight when he's flushed and steadily losing his composure.
He rocks up on his knees to cross his arms and slowly tug his shirt up and over his head, his confidence waning right up until it's tossed aside. Bucky, for a brief moment, wonders if Steve will pay too much attention to what's changed about Bucky's body and he realizes that's not such a bad thing. He is different, they both are, and he's got to learn to accept that about himself. He also knows that attraction is subjective. He remembers feeling that towards Steve when he was small, and now, and that a lot of what he feels towards Steve is all curled up in with what Bucky's always been able to see inside him.]
no subject
That curse from Bucky causes Steve's mouth to twitch. If he's reacting like that, then that must mean that he's having a good time, maybe to the point that it's overwhelming. Bucky will have to take time after they're done here and decide how he feels about all of it, since it's not that easy to examine that sort of thing in the heat of the moment.
And heat is definitely the right word for it, with the way that Bucky is all over him, mouth and hands exploring his body with just the right mix of confidence and uncertainty. No doubt Bucky has done this before in some context, and he might even have the memories of it swimming around in his head, but it's been a while, and Steve doubts it's ever been with another man before. But they can take it as slow as they want. ]
Technically, we did.
[ Steve doesn't know that reminding Bucky of that is the right move, but he says it warmly, watching with hooded eyes as Bucky removes his shirt. If he's reading the situation right, and he's pretty sure that he is, then that's an invitation.
Steve moves his hands around, keeping them steady as he traces the lines of Bucky's chest and torso, reacquainting himself with a body he's had the pleasure of touching a number of times before. There's definitely a lot more muscle on Bucky than there used to be, the result of HYDRA's experimentation and the fact that he'd only ever been used by them for one thing. Steve hardly minds the difference, though, and eventually he slides his hands up to Bucky's shoulders and down his arms, trying to reinforce that the artificial arm doesn't bother him either, that he isn't shy about touching the metal.
He lifts his head and meets Bucky's gaze, smiling briefly. ] Glad you're up to speed now, though.
no subject
Steve says it fondly, like it's a good thing, but Bucky doesn't remember ever doing this before. He realizes pretty quickly that he's referring to the last time he'd been in Wonderland. Him, but not him, the different version of himself that Steve had fallen in love with. Bucky doesn't know if it should bother him, but he kind of thinks of it like everything else - just because he doesn't remember it happening, doesn't mean that it didn't.
He'd be insecure if it weren't for Steve handles it all. Bucky's not a replacement, just older and different, but still him. He doesn't like not knowing how Steve wants to be touched or kissed, or being so far behind when it comes to any of this, but they're working through things one at a time and he'd always thought love would be something like this.
Breathing gets a little difficult as fingers drag down both arms, his metal arm only sensitive in a detached kind of way, but as he lets his eyes fall shut he can almost feel it. Warmth and pressure, Steve's hands carving out insecurities with each pass.]
Yeah, me too.
[Bucky cups the side of Steve's face, pausing just to look at him, cement in his mind Steve's expression and the color of his eyes, the pink of his kiss bitten lips. He leans in to press their foreheads together, then their mouths, tugging gently on Steve's lower lip.
His hands grow impatient, shifting to drag rough fingertips across Steve's sides and stomach, pulling at his shoulders to get him to lean up into Bucky. He wants more, though he doesn't know of what or how much. Steve treats him like he deserves all this and, if only for the night, he wants to feel like he does. He doesn't know what to do or where the lines are, but Steve does and Bucky will soon, too.]
no subject
It doesn't seem like Steve's words scared Bucky off entirely, and relief washes through him when he gets that confirmation. So he hadn't screwed things up completely. Slowly but surely he's learning what he can say and what he should stay away from.
When Bucky catches Steve's face with his hand, he goes still, meeting his eyes and holding his gaze as they take each other in. They'd spent most of their lives prior to the war together, so Steve doesn't know how sometimes it can feel like he's seeing Bucky for the first time, but it's an exhilarating feeling, one that starts his heart racing.
He isn't going to say no to another kiss and he's more immediately bold with using his tongue this time, sliding it into Bucky's mouth as he leans forward and shifts his hands down to Bucky's hips, holding him in place. It's not hard to follow his touch, to read Bucky's subtle physical cues and give him what he wants, even if he's taking care to keep away from anything below his belt until he's given permission to do otherwise. Steve doesn't know if they should move that fast anyway, and he's perfectly happy to keep kissing Bucky like his life depends on it. ]
no subject
Bucky's lip trembles against the warm press of Steve's mouth, and a small, shaky breath slips out between them.
He doesn't mean to break the kiss, to go from hot to cold and back again, but he can't figure out how to get out of his head for long. The fingers cupping Steve's jaw flex and his thumb traces gentle lines as Bucky rubs his palm along the curve of his eyebrow, squeezing his eyes shut and pressing his cheek to Steve's in frustration.]
I'm sorry, Steve.
[There's a subtle pause before he slides both hands around to grip at the back of Steve's neck and his shoulder. Bucky's body wants to keep going, and by all accounts, he doesn't really want Steve to stop, but emotion is warring with desire and he needs them to be working together.]
Stay. [He didn't know if he wanted to go much farther tonight, but he didn't want Steve to leave him either. Bucky didn't want to watch Steve crawl into his bed alone as he curled up on the couch by himself.]
no subject
All the tactility still has its effect on Steve as well. He closes his eyes when Bucky touches over his face, then leans back against his palm as it settles at the back ofh is neck. He's warm and thrumming with mild arousal still, but if they lay here together he knows his body will eventually relax. And then they can sleep.
Even if they're piled on top of each other on the couch, Steve doesn't care. If anything, it reminds him of earlier days. ]
You got it. [ He says it quietly, practically a whisper, as he shifts his body around so that Bucky can comfortably lay on top of him. There's no other way that the two of them could fit, but Steve's more than capable of bearing Bucky's weight.
He directs Bucky's head so that it's resting against his shoulder, and then lets some of the tension ease out of his body. After brushing a kiss on the top of Bucky's head, he asks: ] Good?
no subject
Yeah, I'm good.
[He's tired, actually, feels like he could go to sleep this way.]
Thanks, Steve.
[Bucky tucks himself closer, as best he can, letting Steve's warmth seep into him, closing his eyes. His thumb rubs back and forth, tracing idle patterns across Steve's chest as sleep begins to pull him under.]
no subject
[ Steve's aware that they probably look ridiculous right now, but no one is here to see them save for Dodger, and he doesn't think the puppy cares too much. There's something peaceful and calming with only having to worry about each other for a little bit.
The way Bucky's strokes his thumb over his chest helps Steve to calm down enough to sleep, and the heavy warm presence on top of him isn't hurting either.
Soon enough Steve drifts off too, to have one of his better nights of sleep in a long while. ]