entrancelogs | + Guilt Runs Deep

"Everything!" she says, frazzled, which isn't technically true, but she's trying. "I tried talking to her. I can't leave, I can't fight her, I can't stop."

This is kind of an improvement; Lapis does know that Wonderland's events usually have something to solve. It would be unusual for it to just dump her in a suffer room for a few days with no way out. Again, she really hasn't gotten much chance to think things through yet, so at least she's doing some of that.

The event itself, however, also gets to have some input. That is, Jasper, who has been very patient with this, speaks up now, still confident and as much of an asshole as ever. "I'm right here, y'know. Are you done?" Lapis straightens up immediately, eyes wide.

He listens as she goes through all of that and frantically tries to think. "O-okay. Okay. It does sound like you've covered most of the bases... but we can't give up! There has to be a way!" He does wince as Jasper speaks up, and Steven only tries to address her just meekly. "Just one more minute, please!"

Of course, thinking of Jasper now that he knows what he does comes with a whole lot of other unaddressed issues... but he doubts that a version of Jasper from Lapis's memory would respond to hearing something about Pink Diamond.

"What if you try leaving again... but this time, with me!" With that, Steven reaches for her hand, ready to try running with her.

Lapis tries.

It does not work. She finds herself turning back to Jasper instead. It's not even like an outside force pushing her, which would allow for some semblance of self-respect to survive; she just does it. She hates this a lot. Steven doesn't get to see her despair when she turns away, but he can see Jasper grin wider.

"Don't play dumb. You know exactly why you're doing this," Jasper says to Lapis as she grabs her. Seems she's not impressed with anything she's heard. "You talk big, but you just can't bring yourself to run off and leave me behind."

He's crestfallen as Lapis turns away from him, and Jasper's oh-so-familiar grin is as haunting as ever. Things are starting to happen all over again... and Steven cries out, "No!" He thinks of everything the fusion did to her... how much it hurts her. How much this must hurt her. "You don't really want to do this. You can stop this, Lapis!"

When Lapis turns back to him again, it's Jasper moving her. That was how their dance started, more or less, Jasper just positioning Lapis like a doll. But now she pauses there, holding Lapis's hands in place.

"Look how scared he is," she gloats. "He still thinks you're going to get hurt. But you know better than that."

Lapis glowers at the sand in front of her. She's been pissed off about this already, but that gets under her proverbial skin in a new way. "Leave him out of this!"

Edited 2019-02-28 05:39 (UTC)

Steven looks on, horrified, as the first movement of the dance starts to play out. Is it already too late? No, it can't be! He is struck by Jasper's words, and he remembers that confrontation they had on that boat.

"No, I know!" He responds. "I know it's not just Lapis who will be hurt. You'll be hurt too Jasper! And it'll be really messed up, and... it didn't have to be that way! ...It doesn't have to be that way."

He tries to come forward again.

"Lapis, you've come so far. D-didn't you say... didn't you say that you never wanted to feel like this again?"

"I don't!" Lapis protests. "I don't want any of this, not anymore!" Steven keeps urging her to stop this, but it's starting to sound like an accusation. Like she's just not trying hard enough -- like she just doesn't want to get out of here strongly enough. But then, the alternative is that what she wants doesn't matter, just like all those other times. Is that really better?

Jasper, on the other hand, still seems entirely unaffected by anyone's words -- like they're not even threatening enough to worry too much about arguing with, which may be the best indication Steven and Lapis are getting that this isn't the right track. Jasper begins sidling their bodies to face each other. "Why not?" she asks, lower, but still confident, still taunting. "You're stuck here either way, so you might as well enjoy it. You know you still could. It still feels good, doesn't it?"

She's right and wrong at the same time, although there is shame on Lapis's face. It doesn't feel good the way it did before; not when Lapis is being forced to act it out, not when she knows now what a mistake this was on every level, and not when she's learned what actual happiness can mean. But under all that, it is true that Lapis can recall the sick satisfaction of punishing Jasper. She will never forget. It's another part of the package she hates having to relive.

When Lapis says that, he believes her. And that's only reinforced by how indifferent Jasper seems to their conversation. It's like they aren't even a threat at all... like he doesn't have the right angle at all. Steven bops himself on the head as he tries to think. There's not much left in the dance.

"Okay!" He calls out desperately, his voice strained. "So you don't want it. But then there's gotta be something... something that's stopping you from breaking free! What could it be? L- Lapis, what are you feeling?"

"What am I feeling?" Lapis looks at him over her shoulder now, somewhat baffled even through all the horror. She's been on the edge of hysterical and would have thought her feelings to be pretty obvious at this point; of course, emotional honesty also isn't Lapis's strong point on a good day. Demanding it from her now just seems unsporting. It's a really good thing that Steven is Steven, and that she does have an awareness of how Wonderland tends to do things.

"I'm upset," she tries, for all that she still sounds frustrated with the question. Like, really, that IS obvious, isn't it? "I'm -- I'm terrified this is just going to keep going -- I can't stand it. I thought I was past this by now, but it keeps coming back. It won't go away!"

"Don't forget angry," Jasper suggests as she spins her. So helpful! "Justified."

He shrinks a bit at the response, but he has to know for sure to try to determine what has her trapped like this. It's hard to listen to her to speak like this, just like this is hard to watch. And Jasper doesn't help any either - well, in a way she does help. Because those are other emotions Lapis hadn't mentioned! ...Justified?

"This... this whole thing is so complicated." After a beat, he adds. "Maybe that's the problem! You thought you were through this, but... you're not. Not really, or not completely. You have to face this - face how you felt - and really get through!" He pleads. He knows this won't be easy.

It's not clear whether Lapis has an answer to that, but if so, she misses her chance to give it. Jasper dips her, the dance concludes, and the fusion takes form.

Malachite looms high over the beach, all four eyes glaring down at Steven; decidedly off-script, she does not posture or launch into her usual speech. "Steven," she says instead -- the layered voice gives no sign of one side or the other being in control, but that's not a friendly greeting, her tone is pure fury -- "this HURTS."

You know, it's extremely unclear whether this still counts as Lapis or is properly an NPC now. Jasper never did learn the name Steven, but Malachite arguably did, and it's always been a bit of a mystery what exactly that meant. Malachite isn't friendly, but neither is she attacking, and surely she's still going to get dragged into the ocean sooner or later as the loop goes on, but it hasn't happened just yet. We've drawn a serious wild card here.

As the fusion ensues, Steven drops down to his knees and cries out. "Lapis noooo!!" He feels just as powerless as before. It's all happening all over again...

...Except something's different. Malachite calls out to him, and her confession breaks his heart. Tears roll down his cheeks as he despartely cries out to her,

"It doesn't have, Lapis! You can unfuse! Just break free, a-and put this all behind you!"

This immediately and directly makes the fusion even angrier; she gives a growling vocalization before shouting, "Don't CALL me that!" Her, uh... front-lower arms make enormous fists in the sand to either side of Steven, perhaps reminding him how easily she could squish him. (It's not like the Hell Phantom Crystal Gems are going to help; they're definitely not even paying attention at this point. Pearl appears to be doing a crossword puzzle.) "All you care about is saving poor Lapis, but you don't even know who I AM!"

How do you even interpret that? This really does raise all sorts of questions, grammatical if not existential. Alas, nobody around seems likely to answer any of them.

(PEARL NO)

Steven looks up at her, both worried and... now confused. That really does raise a lot of questions! But Steven tries to answer, in hopes of talking her through this. "Of- of course I know! Of course I know you are! Y-you call yourself Malachite. But you're also Lapis and Jasper. And you're just going to hurt yourselves!"

"Good," Malachite growls. "I want to hurt everyone. Even YOU!" If she did have any intention to act on that sentiment, though, it doesn't matter, because it is at this point that the natural course of events catches up; the ocean reaches up to drag the monster under. She... they?? doesn't even fight as hard as usual.

When the constituents return to the beach this time, the scene has backed up to a slightly earlier point; Jasper has Lapis dangling by one arm, hand on her face, and in a split second drops her in a heap on the sand. It's like someone out there really wants to rub it in. Lapis is taken off-guard by the change in routine, but in the end, this is still all stuff she's done before, and she hurries to gather herself up. This part of the scene also means Jasper gets to start in on the spiel meant to persuade her to help defeat the Crystal Gems. In real life that arguably both worked and didn't, but here, frankly, Lapis is barely listening, busy instead giving Steven a miserable look.

"You don't have to watch this," she says more quietly. They're getting nowhere, she's sure.

"No!!" Steven cries that out at Malachite's last piercing statement. He didn't want to face that it could be true. And just like that, the last portion of the event plays out as Steven remembers it.

And then he blinks, disoriented, as he finds himself back at the beginning of it all. But's quick to keep himself on task and immediately focuses on Lapis. In response to her statement, he shakes his head and then speaks softly. "But I do. Until I figure out how to break you free from this, I'll be here. The last thing I want is for you to just suffer this alone. Not again!"

"I... I think I'm starting to understand," Lapis says, although from her tone, and generally because she's her, it doesn't seem like a positive thing.

"This is your chance to take revenge!" Jasper is saying behind her, and then adds -- "On me! Because I make such a great villain for you to feel good about beating down!"

Lapis shudders and stares down at her hands. "All of this is still in me. Even if I don't want it anymore."

Steven looks on and gives a somber nod. "Y-yeah. Even with everything that changed, this is still a part of you. But... you've come so far since then, Lapis. Just think of that. I know you can face this!"

For a moment Lapis just stands there with the grief on her face steadily deepening. She wants to listen to him, she knows that; Steven has helped her so much, and the fact that he still believes in her means the world. It's just hard, even if she thinks she understands. Understanding can cut either way, in reality, depending on whether it ends up in the hands of the optimist or the defeatist, and it's easy for her to become resigned.

"I want to," she says with a little difficulty. "But... how am I supposed to move on from something that's part of me?"

Edited 2019-03-22 16:14 (UTC)

It's a difficult question. Steven finds his hand drifting down towards his gem - how do you move on from something that's a part of you?

"I don't know." He finds himself admitting that. But after a moment, he goes on.

"I don't know, because... I think that's something only you can really know. But I think I might now how to find that out.." He doesn't want to acknowledge Jasper's taunts, but he has to. He thinks back... he sees Lapis's confrontation with Jasper on the yacht. He sees Connie comforting him while the two from the sky. He balls up his fists assertively.

"You... you have to face what you did and let it all out. Every part of it! Even parts you don't want to think about. I know it won't be easy, but... being honest about everything might be the only way!"

Lapis closes her eyes, thinking. Everything is kind of a chaotic mess right now and there's little she can feel certain about, but as someone who is capable of self-awareness, she finds that she believes Steven. His words slot into place like something she should already know, even. Because the bright side to understanding, even for the pessimist, is that it's still progress in some direction; someone like her just needs a course adjustment sometimes. "Okay," she says, as if it were simple, as if that one word were easy.

Of course then there's the task of figuring out where the heck to even start. Steven, at least, already knows all this.

So Lapis, too, thinks of the things her fake Jasper has been saying, even though she doesn't want to -- because she doesn't want to, maybe. "It's just... I already know this was wrong. Everyone knows this was wrong, except Jasper. And I know... when I fused with her, I thought I was standing up to her. I kept telling myself I was protecting you from her, Steven. For a long time. But by the end, I don't think I cared who we hurt at all anymore."

"You never cared," Jasper says. "It was just convenient that I was mean to you. I was the bad guy, so you got to pretend you were making some noble sacrifice to give me what I deserved."

"You deserved a punch in the face," Lapis tells her flatly, "but not this." It's almost dry, which might be a promising sign, although sass is a core functionality for her.

Jasper shrugs, like she can't really contest that, and grins again. "But it's so tempting to think like I did. You still hate me. You still can't stand thinking that you might not be the only victim in the world, and you can't stand knowing that if I didn't deserve it, maybe that means you did."

Steven braces himself and watches as Lapis begins to talk. She and Jasper start to talk together... Maybe this was the key all the long. For Lapis to have an honest conversation with her. As they speak, Lapis's motivations feel heavy and hard to take in.

Jasper's last comments particularly sting. Steven winces slightly, before he asks timidly, "Lapis... Do you really feel that way?"

Lapis looks torn, even confused for a moment, as if that's an answer she has to sort out. "I did. And... maybe I still do, but not the way I used to. I am getting better." Which is heartening. That's a good thing to be reminded of.

"Better than me!" Jasper chimes in almost eagerly. Lapis sorta huffs at her.

"I don't have to like you to know what I did was wrong," she says, and then hesitates, glancing back to Steven uneasily. "...Right?"

Steven answers her with a soft nod.

"Right. ...No matter what you think of her, that doesn't change what you did." He says that softly. "And it doesn't change that you're improving, either. Every step is an important one. No one can change completely all at once! ...Unless you shapeshift, but that's different." He realizes he should probably just stop talking.

"I just don't know how to make peace with this. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to deal with Jasper, and now even if I wanted to... it's too late. This isn't real."

The real Jasper is in a bubble in Steven's basement. In another monster. What Malachite did to her has already reached its miserable conclusion, and while Lapis would just as soon never see her again, it's a sick feeling to know there will never even be the option of any more closure than that.

Still... maybe it does help, talking about it. Giving words to things she usually tries not to think about. It at least makes them look a bit more manageable. There's no fanfare, but Lapis's feet move and she begins to turn away from the fake Jasper of the past. It's hesitant, but it's progress. "But I don't want to keep doing this to myself either. I don't want to keep feeling like I have to." She gives Steven a tight, distant look. "You always make it easier."

Jasper makes no attempt to stop her or move after her, and really, maybe she's already defeated. She has no power over anyone here beyond what they give her. Regardless, Lapis isn't gone yet, nor Steven, and like a machine following its program, Jasper is still trying as long as she has anything available to try. And suddenly, she too is addressing Steven. "You always take her side. I never got the kind of chances you gave her. But you know as much as anyone that I deserved better, don't you" -- and there are melodramatic finger quotes here -- "'Rose?'"

+ Guilt Runs Deep

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