+ Guilt Runs Deep

[vitaelamorte]

Who: Everyone!
Where: The Mansion
When: Feb 23-25
Rating: Please warn in top level subject lines for potential triggers/NSFW
Summary: Various residents are trapped in their own guilt, watching their guiltiest memory play on a loop.
The Story:

Welcome to the gathering post for the event. Please see the plotting post for more information + the bulletin board link. Have fun!

Comments

[adaptiveimmunities]

Shaun barely needs to watch this. He's lived all of it, and lives with the guilt of what if every time he tries to imagine how they could have avoided everything that happened. This is the moment. When they got the job. They could have turned it down--hell, they could have not applied at all.

"We both wanted the job. Buffy wanted it too. It wasn't all on you, George."

[choosetruth]

"Neither of you would have gone for it if it weren't for me."

It's simple. It's true. They wanted it and they were all thrilled to get it, but she's the newsie. She's the one who wanted the big news job not, say, going to Yosemite or getting a movie deal with one of the steamier networks. She's the one who always had to want more. And always had to be in charge.

[adaptiveimmunities]

He shakes his head. "No. We wouldn't have been able to go for it without you. We all wanted the exposure and what it was going to do for our careers. We all wanted it. Maybe not for your reasons, but that doesn't change the fact that we all went for it."

[choosetruth]

“Maybe we shouldn’t have.” She turns towards him, away from the Shaun in her memories, meeting his eyes. “I’d still be alive. The original me would still be alive.”

[adaptiveimmunities]

"And maybe you wouldn't. Maybe it would have been something else, and we wouldn't have had a second chance at all, because no one would have cared what happened to us." People with reservoir conditions are dying at an unprecedented rate, and she could have been one of them, and they never would have known why. "We can't turn back the clock, George."

[choosetruth]

"I know that. That's not the issue." She swallows, stepping towards him, reaching for his hand. "I'd do all the same things. It wasn't even me and I hate everything that happens but I can't imagine choosing differently."

Not without losing herself.

[adaptiveimmunities]

He takes her hand and squeezes it. "So what's the issue?"

[choosetruth]

"What sort of person does that make me?" She looks up at him with raw vulnerability before shutting her eyes and looking away. "The amount of people we got killed--our team, Oakland, Florida, me, and I'd do it again. I know what we got wasn't worth it, but I'd still fucking do it."

[adaptiveimmunities]

"The human kind?" He smiles a little sadly. "I don't know, George. I sort of think that if you wouldn't change anything about your choices, you probably did the best you could with what you had. That's really all anyone can ask, isn't it?"

[choosetruth]

"Even when those choices got me killed?"

She's the one who died, but he's the one who had to live alone. She's under no illusions over who had it worse.