She thought he wasn't interested--until he said he would have to sex-ray her entire body!

[itsahotone]

Who: Santana, and anyone else your little heart desires.
Where: Everywherrrrre, muhahaha!
When: ...Thursday, I guess. It can go on as long as you want, baby.
Rating: R/nc17 for language. Don't blame ME, blame the magazine.
Summary: Santana's bored, so she's leaving Cosmo magazines around for everyone to find. Check out the sex tips!
The Story:

Look, a girl needs to find her own entertainment around here.

Don't ask how she got the idea, but since it was a brilliant and amazing one, she's just gonna go with it.

Post-event is always boring, so she's just gonna liven it up! That's all. It's helpful.

So she spends some time getting a bunch of issues of Cosmopolitan from the closet, then she spends way more time than needed going through them. She highlights and circles and even draws some arrows to the best parts, things that say stuff like:

Try this kinky trick: Color your nipples with a crazy-colored lipstick, like sparkly purple. Bonus points if it's yummy. He'll love the shocking, sexy change in scenery!

"I dated this guy who tasted really funky down there, but I didn't want to confront him about it. So I told him I was going to suck on a strong mint while going downtown to give him a tingly sensation... which he loved."

Wrap a belt around each of his thighs. This will push more blood into his penis, making his erection feel even harder.

Give yourself goose bumps by sweeping a new, clean toothbrush over the curves of your neck and collarbone.

This featherlight touch will have you both tingling: While still kneeling between his legs, dab flavored lube on your nipples. Then cup one of your breasts in your hand, and slide the top of your nipple from the bottom of his testicles to the tip of his shaft, circling the head and then sliding it back down.

Look at him as you run your chin from his chest to his crotch.

Put lube on your nipples, then trace circles on his bare back.

Flutter your eyelashes against his boys for a sweet little tease.

Have him squeeze lube onto his penis, then swirl your body over his shaft to spread it.

Keep a glass of ice water on the bedstand, and once you've both climaxed, take a drink, holding and swirling the cool liquid in your mouth before swallowing. Then immediately envelop his balls with your lips, one at a time.

...And etc etc.

Once that's all done, she goes around the mansion, all floors, indoors and out, and places the magazines in random areas. Some are open, some aren't. It's like an easter egg hunt, only hopefully with a lot more confusion and chaos!


[if you wish to actually speak to Santana, just make it clear in your tags, otherwise she's not around once your darlings find this magical and 100% correct advice.]

Comments

Did you miss me, bb? Clearly Santana needs to come play.

[forevercapslock]

...Karkat has no idea what he's seeing.

This is mentioning parts of human anatomy he has never even heard of and he is completely confused. Especially considering that he's pretty sure this should be grossing him out.

OH HOW SHE MISSED YOU

[itsahotone]

Aww, it's a confused troll. And not only that, but it's her favorite confused troll! It's only logical that Santana appear out of nowhere, then.

"Questions? Comments?"

[forevercapslock]

skldfjgh he feels somehow like he's been caught at something embarrassing, even though he has no idea what that thing is or why it's embarrassing.

"Fuck! What are you, a lurk-beast? Shit."

[itsahotone]

"What, not happy to see me? You just looked so lost and confused; I thought I'd help you out."

She almost wants to pat him on his little horned head.

[forevercapslock]

He flails her hand away.

"You could help me out by getting me a fucking dictionary or something. I have no idea what's going on in this glossy-paged volume."

[itsahotone]

"That's what I'm here for, Whiskers!"

She is just so helpful. Come on.

[forevercapslock]

"...What did you call me?"

[itsahotone]

"Don't remember that little nickname, huh?" She sighs, ever so sadly.

[forevercapslock]

"Are you another person I was supposedly human friends with when I was here before?"

[itsahotone]

...Snerk.

"Sure, we can call it that."

[forevercapslock]

"And you left strange human reading material lying around, marked for everyone's viewing pleasure."

He does not think that was an act of altruism, Santana.

[itsahotone]

"Only the people that might gain something from it."

You know. Something like a sprained dick.

[forevercapslock]

He tosses the magazine over his shoulder.

"Then it's not for me."

[itsahotone]

"You're probably right," Santana agrees easily. "There's nothing in there about buckets."

[forevercapslock]

He actually blushes a little, which just means he tints kind of gray-red-pink something. It's not quite the same as with a human, but close enough.

"What the fuck do you know about buckets."

[itsahotone]

"Only all the highly educational things you and your other troll friends have shared."

Which really was never that much, but eh.

[forevercapslock]

"Is there a purpose to this conversation?"

[itsahotone]

"Other than this tender reunion between soulmates? Not really."

[forevercapslock]

"...This had better fucking be human sarcasm."

[itsahotone]

Santana grins, and while it might look sincere on the surface, it's definitely a little more self-satisfied than not.

"God, I forgot how much fun you are."

[forevercapslock]

"I am not fun. Ever."

[itsahotone]

"Normally I would agree cause of my high standards, but nope. You're wrong."

[forevercapslock]

"I am the epitome of irritation and boredom and I'm going away from you now, because my empty respiteblock is much more interesting than this conversation."

[itsahotone]

She doesn't care much.

"Whatever you say. Just wait for the next one; I'll be sure to make it a little more... interesting for you."

Period-talk time yet???

[forevercapslock]

Always!!!

He pauses, even though he is absolutely sure he will regret it.

"....How could it be more interesting? And by interesting, I mean utterly disgusting and confusing."