I'm trying not to sleep

[bossily]

Who: Clara & anyone! (totally open)
Where: Around the mansion
When: The week after the shadow event
Rating: TBA
Summary: When you have a terrible shadow event, it's time to stay busy to forget about it
The Story: Clara is beyond humiliated.

She's lost a great deal of her pride, she's fractured almost every single relationship she's formed in her time here, and she's at a loss as to what she needs to do to make herself feel better. So the best solution in her mind is simply not to think about it and stay busy. She can't act like any of the things her shadow said never happened, of course, but she doesn't have to linger on it. There's too much hurt there for her, and it's best to just build up some walls on the inside and close it off and away. And sleep? Forget about it, there's way too much time to have thoughts loiter on everything that went wrong, or have pesky dreams slip in, and that's definitely not something she wants to have happen.

On Tuesday, she has plans with both Luke and Owen, and despite not being up to her usual spirited nature she's grateful for the chance to interact with the both of them without shadows present.

On Wednesday, she thinks she has self-defense lessons but also spends a good portion of the day sprawled out in the sun at the beach. She's not usually a beach dweller and she doesn't usually sunbathe, but she thinks it's the perfect place to read through some Jules Verne. Journey to the Center of the Earth was a childhood favorite, and it makes her feel safe and nostalgic so she's grateful that the library has a copy on hand just waiting for her.

On Thursday, she spends her time out in the gardens, working on both drawing and painting. Her lessons with Whale have left her eager to continue practicing, working on a drawing of white roses which she has every intention of painting red by the end of the day. If someone happens across her, she's more than likely to grab hold of them and convince them to pose for her so she can attempt a more complicated subject.

Friday finds Clara holed up in the library, a stack of books on space piled up around her. She's sitting cross legged on the floor, and the pile of books towers above her, constantly wobbling as if they're about to topple at any given second. There's fiction, non-fiction, and even some picture books at her side. She started the day out reading for research but now has an old, worn copy of The Little Prince in hand. It brings back memories of her mother, and those are always good to hold onto when she's having a difficult time.

The rest of the weekend is spent either at the swimming pool or her room. The pool she's never really used before, so it's nice to just float around and stare up at nothing in particular. It's a funny feeling, just aimlessly floating, doing nothing for hours on end. She almost feels guilty for it, but it's a nice break from being cooped up in the library. When she's in her room she's working on painting her walls, trying to complete constellations for the night sky she's painted across every single wall. She's not much of an artist, but this has given her something to do in her time here, and the project is almost complete. There's even a little TARDIS painted right up above her bed.

Comments

[bossily]

"Okay, so you don't have to outright tell me. But if someone guesses, that's alright isn't it?" This is her new goal, to figure out what's wrong with him. He's made a deal, he's told her that much. So it must be something shady or awkward, or potentially harmful. He won't look her in the eye, which probably goes back to the shady business. So she frowns, looking him up and down as if a clue is going to pop out of him at any second.

"It's not a woman, is it?" She means a relationship, of course. She's seen one too many people change themselves for the attention of someone they admired. It isn't ever pretty.

[jolting]

On the outside Whale didn't look any different. It was the inside that change, and parts of that did reflect. Especially in his eyes. There was no life in them, no spark. That was why he wouldn't let Clara see, because that was something she would notice.

"No woman," he shrugged. "I'm not interested in that sort of thing anymore."

[bossily]

"So...you're interested in men now? Is that it?" It's a joke, really, but the question is still valid enough, she thinks. She can't think of what would make him go from having such passion about things to having nothing at all, short of a total rewiring of his brain. She wonders if Wonderland has the power to do that, entirely change who someone is, move things around until they're someone totally different.

[jolting]

"No. I'm not interested in it period." He stuck his hands in his pockets, gazing out over the garden. It was for the best that Clara didn't really know him that well. She wouldn't know just how strange it was for Whale to give up romantic interests so suddenly.

"Let's continue with your lessons now," he said.

[bossily]

Her eyes squint and she wants to protest, to continue questioning him. But she knows the rules, that she needs to earn another question, and she doesn't particularly want to try his patience just yet. So she nods, frowning a bit as she steps back in close to her easel.

"One last question, though. Just a simple one, don't fret. You consider me to be a friend, don't you? Not a proper mate or anything, but decent enough?"

[jolting]

Whale was getting his own sketch pad out and didn't meet her eyes right away. But when she posed her question, he lifted his head. He allowed her to see the emptiness in his eyes. Because it was answering her question, and because he didn't care about her reaction.

"I don't have any friends," he responded coldly.

[bossily]

She definitely takes notice of the look in his eyes, and gestures to his face with the end of her pencil. "That! That's new. New and different." She points at him with the pencil yet again, and then gestures for him to stay in place. She's quick to crouch down and grab her sketchbook out of her red satchel, and even quicker to take her pencil to paper and start trying to sketch him.

"Don't you dare move."

[jolting]

He knew she was observant. He probably would've felt something like pleasure or pride in her, if that were possible. Since he couldn't feel anything he just stared at her evenly and obediently stood still.

[bossily]

She sketches for a few minutes in complete silence, actually very pleased by the fact that he's standing still. When she gets to the eye portion of her sketch she fills them in completely, blank and void of emotion or anything at all. She turns the sketch toward him, incomplete except for the shape of his face, nose, mouth, and eyes. It's a crude sketch but she wants to get her message across.

Eyebrows arch as she glances at her sketch, and then back over at him.

"Is it something Wonderland did to you? Your mirror, maybe?"

[jolting]

He paused, putting on his glasses so he could observe the sketch more clearly. It's a very good likeness, right down to the eyes. It's exactly what he's been seeing every day in the mirror since he asked Regina to take out his heart. He took his time in putting away his glasses.

"No, Clara," Whale answered at last. "Think of this like a puzzle. Your sketch shows that you're noticing the pieces. All you need to do is put them together."

He was curious to see if she could actually figure it out. It wasn't breaking his deal if she discovered the truth on her own.

[bossily]

"What, so I need to put your chance in the way you speak, the look in your eyes, and your sudden lack of interest in anything we've talked about together?" She pouts a bit, she's not liking the pieces of this puzzle. If it wasn't his mirror or something the mansion did to him, then how is she supposed to go about finding clues?

"It's not impossible. Just difficult."

[jolting]

Whale took out his own sketchpad. He flipped to the appropriate page and showed it to her. It was a sketch he made of Adam Monroe, the man who looked just like Whale. Whale hadn't seen him since he ran experiments on the man.

But this picture would help Clara. Adam and Whale looked alike on the surface, but were very different underneath. Adam appeared physically younger, and there was a completely different look in his eyes. Adam's eyes held the weight of all the centuries he lived, the horrors and heartbreaks he experienced. An old soul, but an expressive one.

"If you have an artist's eyes, you will be able to tell me what's different in this picture."

[bossily]

"That's not you. It's the man that was here before. Adam?" The two men looked alike, but she could easily tell them apart, and so this picture isn't all that hard to identify.

"And the eyes, they're obviously different. It doesn't take an artist to see that. Just someone observant. He looks like he cares about everything."

She holds up her sketch of Whale, peeking around her sketchbook. "You, on the other hand? Not so much."

[jolting]

"Very good, Clara." Again, he was lacking any sort of enthusiasm in his voice. If he could, he would feel pride in her. The thoughts were in his mind but they simply didn't connect.

"And what is it do you think that makes me look that way?"

[bossily]

"I dunno yet. That's the part I'm trying to figure out." She reminds him, pouting in annoyance. "Maybe...it could be a spell?" She hates suggesting that, because magic isn't exactly her thing, but she knows that people here are capable of producing spells.

[jolting]

"A spell." He repeated the words with the slightest inclination of his head. A part of him wanted her to know, but if she knew... She would make him put it back. He didn't want that.

"I'm a doctor and a scientist. Why would I want anything to do with magic?"

[bossily]

"I wasn't thinking you had a choice in the matter...exactly." But that response is curious enough to make her stare over at him, critically trying to figure out what that could possibly mean. "If you angered someone that knows magic, they'd do something to you as retaliation. That sort of thing."

[jolting]

"That's true," Whale agreed. He certainly angered someone with magic, and she certainly did something in retaliation. But it wasn't this. His dead eyes wouldn't give her any clues.

"I didn't anger any magic users recently, but it was a good guess."

[bossily]

"Any other hints, then?" She sounds a bit cross, and it's all because she's feeling incompetent and useless. She hates it when she feels like this, like there's a simple solution that's just within reach or in plain sight and she can't wrap her mind around the puzzle enough to be able to solve it.

"Is it something that's easily fixed? Please say it's that, at least."

[jolting]

He let out a slow sigh. "I don't want it fixed, Clara," he said. He drew the words out slowly and carefully so she would understand. "I chose this. Feel free to figure it out, but I'm asking you to leave it at that."

[bossily]

"You chose to be like this. You mean you really, actually decided that oh, I don't like showing emotion or feelings anymore so please, someone out there in Wonderland, please remove my ability to do such things? And then, there was actually someone that was willing, so you decided to become what is essentially a human shell?" Excuse her, she doesn't quite understand his reasoning. She actually looks a little worked up now.

"Sorry, but I can't just see how you can ask me to leave it at that."

[jolting]

"Clara..." He reached out to touch her hand. It was a gesture of affection but there was nothing behind it. "What I am about to tell you is very important, and I'm trusting you to not tell anyone."

He paused to let her absorb that before he went on. "Magic comes at a price. This is my price for using magic. I don't want you involved in it. Despite my lacking ability to show it, I do care about you, Clara. I've lost my entire family. I don't want to add you to that list, understand?"

[bossily]

"Definitely won't be a problem." She informs him, knowing very well that she and magic don't mix. It doesn't make any sense, it can't be trusted, and apparently it does things like entirely change people. "If you've lost your entire family, why in the hell would you add losing yourself to the list? You knew magic came at a price! You could've avoided the end result."

She's not lecturing him, she's being angry in his general direction. She thinks of him as a friend and a mentor, someone she can look up to. And then he goes and does something like this? She's still not even quite sure what this is, but it's not good, and she's now determined to reverse it.

"You said that you don't want it to be fixed. Why? What could possibly be so great about being this way?"

[jolting]

He stared at her evenly. She was a good girl, too good to be mixed up with him. Everyone who got close to him ended up dead. Even without his heart, he didn't want that for her.

"I was tired of feeling it," he said quietly. "I don't want to feel it. Maybe that makes me weak, but I don't care. The beauty of this is that I don't care about anything."

Not entirely true. He did care, he just couldn't feel it anymore.

[bossily]

"And you're really okay with that." It comes out almost sounding disgusted, and she takes a step in closer, so she can get up in his personal space. "How can you be? How can you just give up one of the most important parts of being human? So, you were tired of feeling something that hurts, you pick yourself up and you move on!"

She's a bit offended that she still hurts from the loss of her mother and he finds it appropriate to just stop caring and feeling, hurting is a part of life that you're supposed to learn from, to become stronger by experiencing. He's cheating the system by bypassing it entirely.