entrancelogs | No-one comes out of this sane

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No-one comes out of this sane

Who: Sam Yao and YOU
Where: All over the mansion and grounds.
When: 19th-24th
Rating: PG-13. I think. Will change if needed.
Summary: Sam isn't suffering, but he's trying to help those who have. Certain revelations might make that difficult. (Huge spoilers for S2 M39 of Zombies, Run! onwards to the end of S3)
The Story:

19th-21st

[It's easy to tell that something has gone horribly wrong. The screaming, the people staggering around, angry or staring or arguing with people who aren't there, they're kind of a giveaway. And he's not sure exactly what's going on, what the problem is.

He feels useless. There's nothing he can do to help with this, except hopefully stop anyone getting hurt, and even then, he can't protect them all the time. He does what he can, helps Maxine at the clinic, tries to stop anyone hurting themselves or other people.

When Simon comes to him, paranoid and scared, of course Sam helps him. What else can he do for one of his Runners?]

22nd

[Anger, betrayal, they make him reckless, send him stomping and spitting away from his room, away from everyone he knows.

How can that end well?]

23rd

[When Sam revives, dizzy and sick and with one less life, he's in his bedroom, although he knows he didn't die there. Doesn't remember how he got back there. He can see, even though he remembers his eyes burning.

And then he sees Alice, blood oozing from a bite and demanding to know why he didn't save her. Alice and Ellis and Chris. Archie. His parents. He'd killed them all. he couldn't save anyone.]

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[She can't answer. She can't argue, because he's right. He did all of that. But everything that came after, the way it all had ended, had made her think that maybe, just maybe, things could be better here.

Which was optimistic and stupid, apparently. And she's just as upset with herself as she is with Simon, for becoming complicit with him, for thinking that there was any working with a monster who only ever even did the right thing when he was tired of living. She pauses, listening close as simon trails off, tension winding tighter in her at that murmur.]

. . . Sam, I don't think he was responsible for Alice.

[He's not listening though. Not when there's movement and he can see her, he can- oh god, god no.

It is her, but like he'd last seen her, grey and rotten, a bloody smile on her lips as she reaches for him.

You let them kill me, Sam.]

No I- I didn't- I- Alice please...

Sam!

[She's on her feet at once, racing for the door, looking out and around. She's not an operator, but her hearing is good enough and she can't hear anyone on the other end of the line besides Sam. And she knows she would hear Alice's voice (or a zombie's groans, as much as she hates to think of it) if she were there with him.

People have been going mad for days. But this is Sam, and she feels cold even thinking of that happening to him. After everything.]

Sam, where are you?

[Oh god, oh god she was coming for him! He shrieked and jerked away, body still weak and strange after his death. He stumbled away from her, towards the door. Had to get out, had to run. Oh god Alice, he was so, so sorry.

The hallway barely registered, he just ran only to come to a dead stop. He could hear them. The dead. Except the dead didn't usually talk. Didn't usually have his parents' voices, or look like people he knew. People from Abel, Chris, Stephanie, Archie, her temples burnt and a bullethole in her head.

He screamed and ran.]

[The scream echoes from the direction of Sam's room, and Maxine doesn't even think, just takes off at a dead sprint toward the sound, bag banging against her hip, eyes flying in search of any movement at all.]

Sam!

[He's bolting headlong down the hallway, and every time he glances back over his shoulder they're closer. Runner 10, Christ, pale and hollowed out and sad. Never got to see Veronica again, if she's even alive.

Archie wanting to know why he'd abandoned her, let her down, let Van Ark kill her. Maggie, the bites small, because he'd never seen the child zoms.

He feels them grasping at him, grabbing his clothes and if they weren't fast enough, why should he be?]

[He's running from . . . nothing. From absolutely nothing, from thin air, and like his life depends on it. Maxine's seen enough people lose their minds already that there is no moment of confusion, no freezing, no dread. She just breaks into a dead sprint for him, gaining agonizingly slow even as fatigue-clumsy as his strides are, until a desperate lunge snags her fingers into the back of his sweatshirt. She grabs like her life depends upon it, lurching to the side and bringing them both hard against the wall so she can grapple him down.]

Sam! Sam, you're all right!

[When something grabs him, drags him down to the ground, it's just another dead person, another one chasing him. He struggles, sobbing brokenly and grasping for breath, but he does struggle, fighting against her until he's exhausted and unable to move. Resignation. That's all that's left. They're going to kill him, he can hear them and why should he live when they didn't? When he couldn't save them.]

[Sam is stronger than he looks, stronger than you'd expect out of someone who sits at a desk all day directing runners. But Maxine knows what's out there right now, what he could run headlong into in a panic, and clings to him until he wears himself out, until he's worn out all of his kicking and elbowing and thrashing. She's panting for breath herself by the time he settles, but doesn't relax her grip just yet, tight around his wrists since the first few hits and scratches.]

Sam, please. [She wants to just put simple authority into those words, but he's scaring her, and there's more plea in them than she likes. She can still remember he half-dreamed desperation of Paula's voice pleading with her, a soft inconsequential nothing below the bright bliss of the tones, and her voice goes tight with the memory.] It's just me. Maxine. Just look at me, please.

[That just seems to make him sob more. Oh god, Maxine. Maxine, caught by Van Ark and he hadn't been able to save her either. He slumps boneless beneath her grasp, curling up as best he can. Just let it come.]

I'm sorry. I- I'm sorry I couldn't stop him, couldn't save you. I'm so so sorry.

[Her heart sinks at that, and she shakes her head, voice escaping in a hush.] Sam, shh. It's all right. I'm fine. [She rubs a hand over his back, trying to comfort him, even as the incoherent sobbing frightens and tears at her.]

[It takes a while for him to settle, exhaustion claiming him and he curls against Maxine's lap, little hiccupping sobs escaping him.]

I'm sorry Maxine.

[Aching from the struggle to keep him with her and unable to think of another way to get through to him, she can't do anything but hold him close, every so often shushing softly or rubbing at his back. Even if all he does his wear him out eventually and fall asleep, at least she knows where he is, now. She can look after him.]

[He does calm down a little, but nothing goes away completely and he still sees flickers out of the corners of his eyes, hears accusations and curses.]

I couldn't save them. I- they hate me Maxine, Alice and- and Chris and Archie. I couldn't save them. I can't do anything.

Sam.

[Maxine uncurls a little, trying to nudge Sam's face up toward hers.]

Look at me. I need you to hear this, okay?

[Sam whimpers but lets himself look up at Maxine. His face is red and blotchy and streaked with tears.]

I killed them Maxine. I- I got them killed. I'm just as bad as he is.

They weren't your runners because they thought you could make them invincible, Sam. [She addresses him firmly, hands on his cheeks, keeping him right where he is.] They were your runners because they knew you would do your best. And you did. None of us can keep everyone alive. Not you, not me, not even Janine.

But my best isn't good enough! [He sounds distraught, and from the corner of his eyes he sees a glowering Five.] I got Archie killed. People died because I wasn't good enough. I know what some of them say about me.

If you killed Archie, then so did Five. So did Jaime. So did Paula. We can blame the person who actually did it, or we can blame everyone else who tried to keep that from happening.

Maybe we're not worth saving.

[Everyone died in the end. He couldn't save them. What was the point? He'd said it once, maybe the ones who were dead were the lucky ones.]

[It hurts, hearing that, like he'd struck her again just by uttering the thoughts. But it's not her first time facing down that thought, and she shakes her head, never averting her eyes from him.]

That's your choice to make, Sam. But I'm not giving up on anyone. And I'm not giving up on you.

I'm just a kid. I can't help anyone. You shouldn't get dragged down by me.

Sam. [Even if she can't hold his gaze very well, she can keep his attention in other ways, and does her best to do just that, rubbing between his shoulderblades slow and steady.] Do you remember when I first came to Abel?

[He looks up at her, his face blotchy and sad.]

Yeah. With Sergeant Ellis.

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