entrancelogs | ❝ Do you ever feel like your life and everything in it...❞

Entry tags:

❝ Do you ever feel like your life and everything in it...❞

Who: Kate Fuller & You (Yeah and maybe Richie Gecko okay. This could happen)
Where: Various Locations in Wonderland
When: Early to Mid January.
Rating: PG+ to NSFW.
Summary: Kate settles into Wonderland
The Story: ❝...is just slowly turning upside down, like a ship flipping over in the ocean?❞

ɴ.ʙ I welcome threadjacking from anyone (tagging into ongoing threads to have more than 2 characters in it). That said, if you'd prefer the thread to only be with Kate, just put [closed] in the subject line! Prose or Action is good with me, I'll match whatever I get.

[ Despite her appearance with Richie at the New Years Eve Ball, Kate's presence in the Mansion is not easily noticed as January rolls around. She keeps to her room on the tenth floor, getting out only when the walls feel like their closing in on her. If encountered during the day, you can be fairly certain that Kate will be alone but as the sun goes down, there's every chance you'll find any conversation you might have with her, interrupted by a tall man with glasses who if you think is sizing you up, undoubtedly is. ]

ᴛʜᴇ ᴄʜᴀᴘᴇʟ

[ The house of God had once been a place where Kate felt welcomed with open arms, a sanctuary that wrapped her in peace and warmth in a way that even her home could not. It was one of the few places where she had the certainty of belonging that so few ever found in life and she'd thought it would always be that for her, no matter where her life took her. Now? She wasn't so sure.

It had been many months since Kate had stepped foot in a Chapel and though Richie had shown her the one here in Wonderland as a way of putting her at ease, she already wondered if it existed to torment her more than comfort her. Kate had never wavered in her beliefs, despite all she'd seen and experienced this last year. She'd held firm to the knowledge that God loved her because as far as she was concerned, God was love but having time to stop and think about every choice she'd made, Kate could feel the weight of every one of those decisions whenever she stepped foot inside the chapel.

While she doesn't spend hours on end here, Kate can still be found in the Chapel at various times throughout the day, usually when there doesn't appear to be anyone else around. Always tucked into one of the pews at the back, as if she weren't sure she should really be here at all. ]

ᴛʜᴇ ᴋɪᴛᴄʜᴇɴ

[ While some people took to the magic of Wonderland; the ease and comfort it afforded those who lived here, Kate found it difficult to trust anything that could be achieved without effort. She'd tried eating in the dining room where most people took their meals but these attempts usually ended with her being more hungry than satisfied and she always ended up retreating to the kitchen where she could fix her own meal.

She was hardly what you'd call a gourmet cook, but Kate had always helped her mother in the kitchen and she'd in many ways taken on the role of caretaker in the time since her mother's death. It wasn't like her father had been in a state to do so and Scott? It was a miracle if Kate could get him to set the table.

Used to cooking for two or more, Kate will be prone to making too much and never one to see food go to waste, anyone who happens into the kitchen while she's here will be offered some of whatever she's making. Those who happen to frequent the kitchen might even realize that she's the one responsible for the plates of food that have handwritten notes beneath them, inviting anyone to take it for themselves. ]

ᴏᴜᴛsɪᴅᴇ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ sɴᴏᴡ

[ When you spend your whole life in the small town of Bethel, Texas, a place that despite the bitter cold that came during Winter, had never seen an inch of snow in the time Kate had lived there, the Winter Wonderland that existed beyond the Mansion walls had its own kind of appeal.

Some days, Kate would be content to sit by a window, a cup of hot chocolate warming her hands as she watched the flurries of snow, dance through the air. On days when the weather was mild enough to dare venture out, however, Kate would don multiple layers of clothing and would brave the biting cold just to experience what for her, was more magical than anything she'd seen inside the mansion.]

ᴘʟᴀʏᴇʀs ᴄʜᴏɪᴄᴇ

[ Set something up yourself! Kate will explore the various parts of the Mansion so it won't be inconceivable that you'd come across her almost anywhere. She will also be curious about the mirror side of Wonderland so Mirrors! are more than welcome to tag her as well. Alternatively, if you want to hash an idea out with me, you're welcome to PM her journal or hit me up on plurk:

brooklyn2181]

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[Well, that went exactly as planned. Good job, Richie.]

Alright, then I'll go.

[He takes a moment to watch the way her cheeks go rosy before he quickly decides on something harmless.]

What's your favorite color?

[Her eyes narrow infinitesimally, Kate half believing that she's inviting trouble just by letting him get another question. It's light and easy suspicion, though, a finger lightly stroking his index finger in an idle, playful way.]

Blue. [She says it without hesitation but moments later looks almost surprised by it, like she hadn't meant, or even known she was going to.

But then she realizes why and the color in her cheeks returns, Kate's gaze dropping from his as she again fights back that smile.]

Bet you thought I was going to say pink or, something.

Nah, I wouldn't have guessed pink.

[He seems to scrutinize her for a moment, his own eyes narrowing just slightly as he regards her before he says:]

I thought you might say yellow. It's a very bright color...like the sun.

[She has to work to will the color to drain away once again, Kate taking in a deep breath and exhaling in her attempt to do so. She at least doesn't overanalyze his answers half as much as she does her own and as the embarrassment eases, a soft smile is left in place.]

Yellow is a very close second. [By which she means first, normally, except when she's staring at his eyes.] Soft yellow, though.

[Ya know, like a ray of sunlight instead of a fiery ball of flame that can destroy you, Richie.]

Glad to hear I haven't lost my touch.

[A beat before he offers up his own answer without her having to ask.]

Mine's green.

You have not. [Though Kate was distracted by his physical touch, the warmth of his hand in her own.]

If you say it's because it's the color of money...

[ But she's teasing, mostly. It was funny but, she never really saw what Seth and Richie did about getting rich, no matter what they said. ]

[He laughs.]

A good guess, but no.

[He leans his head against the back of the couch and stares at the ceiling as he explains.]

Back when Seth was in jail, I decided that I was gonna go live in the woods for awhile. Live off the land and all that bullshit. [He rolls his head to the side to look at her.] Turns out I kind of have a thing for nature, things that grow, that are alive, you know?

[ Kate's eyes follow the line of his profile as he speaks, a glimmer of awe in her eyes as he talks about going off to live in the woods. She can't really imagine anyone doing something like that, being able to survive on their own in harsh wilderness.

The awe fades however, the image of Richie all alone out there? Maybe, just maybe, she'd been right when she'd said the brothers were better with each other.]

Really, now. [Her own smile widening just a touch.] Is that supposed to be a metaphor or something?

[It wasn't entirely lost on her that he's looking at her as he says that and last she checked, she does tick most of those boxes.]

Maybe.

[His asymmetrical grin is relaxed and spreads across his face to match hers.]

You'd look good in blue or yellow, by the way. Or even a combination of the two.

[He's half being honest, and half trolling her, amused by the way that worked out rather perfectly as far as color theory goes.]

But you'd look good in anything, so it's a moot point.

[He'd see it, the flicker of understanding as her brain catches up to his, Kate feeling the giddy flutter rise up inside of her, making her chest swell and her eyes shine.]

Now you're just trying to flatter me. [But that wasn't entirely true, he was being sincere and the flush of her cheeks had more to do with pleasure than embarrassment.]

You use these lines a lot or am I just special? [It sounds like a joke, is even meant as one at first but there's perhaps a real question in the middle there as Kate meets his gaze again.]

[He at least realizes that she's teasing him, because Richie if pretty sure she knows full well that he's not really the type. Sure, he can be suave and charming when the situation calls for it, but he's essentially channeling Seth, copying what he's seen, in those moments.

They're few and far between.]

You've always been special. [He says it easily because it's true.] How many people do you really think I give a damn about?

[He leans forward conspiratorily.]

I'll give you a hint. It's a very small number.

[She's not so at ease when it comes to taking compliments, Kate's lips twitching as she gets lost in the penetration of his brilliantly blue eyes. Her grip on his hand tightens, her heart beating a little faster and she finds herself leaning into him in kind, more from desire than effect.]

I think you care about people more than you like to admit. [Or, perhaps she just believed he was capable of more, but Kate had a very skewed view. She experienced Richie caring about her, saw him with Seth. They were not the same as everyone else.]

Back at the Twister... When you asked me to stay. [The softening of her voice once again creating an intimacy between them.] Before everything, went down the way it did... Why did you?

[His head lifts from the back of the couch at that, his expression shifting slightly. People don't look for things like that in him. He's a criminal, a killer, the 'wild card.' He's the weird one, the impulsive one, that one that needs to be kept under control.

He has no qualms with pointing a gun and pulling the trigger to get out of a sticky situation.

And yet here she is, one of the people who has the most reason to hate him, and she thinks he's something more.

It's something he doesn't always know how to deal with, and yet it's the same thing that draws him to her.]

You looked at me in a way I hadn't ever seen before. [It's his turn to tighten his grip on her hand. He's not sure how to explain it, but she's understood things better than he has before, and he's hoping that might happen again here.] We were both that boat flipped over in the ocean and it felt like you could see me the way I saw everything else.

When we got there, it felt like coming home. Maybe that was Santanico fucking with my head, I don't know, but I wanted you to feel it too. I wanted you to stay. You felt...safe.

[It's clear in the way that he says it that 'safe' was something he needed, especially then. He had enough crazy all around him, and at the time in his head too, and he needed some peace.

He'd only found it with her, and it had been the only peace he'd found in a long time.]

[He'd see the confusion stir in her eyes, Kate's head tilting to one side and as his grip tightens, her other hand moves to cover it in a way that's very reminiscent of the first time in the RV. She couldn't understand how the way she looked at him was unique in any way. The only thing she could imagine was that she'd managed to see past the situation, the fear of what would happen and simply saw him.

It takes her another moment to understand, that in many ways, was the point.]

Like everything was starting to make sense... [Nodding her head. It wasn't something she'd really felt for the better part of a year but she'd seen it in him, the sudden shift. The confidence that had come from being at ease. She thought it was about the place, later about Santanico. She never considered that she could have had some role in that, even if just a small one.

It would be so easy to misinterpret the 'safe', to imagine he was calling her the safer option. In many ways, she probably represented all that seemed simple and uncomplicated, at least on the surface. She knew what he meant, though. Perhaps because, in a way, she'd felt that with him. Not, safety exactly but... hope. He was just so sure of his direction, his place in the universe that despite having no real idea what was happening, he had an unerring faith that it was happening for a reason.]

There was a part of me that wanted to. [Voice low, as if admitting a secret that if spoken too loud, would see her condemned for it.]

Being around you let me feel a sort of peace I hadn't known. [He taps his head twice.] It's hard to explain.

[His head is a strange place. He confuses people and says things that sometimes don't make sense to the average person. People confuse him just as often.

Kate always seemed to get it, though.

He shrugs his shoulders slightly in response to her admission.]

You didn't belong with them. They were different than you, but they were your family. I get it.

[Jacob and Scott were not the same as Ray Gecko. Kate was not like Richie. The situations weren't comparable.]

You said you wanted to know what it felt like to belong. I think if things had gone differently, you could have figured it out with me.

[But they both knew what happened after that. And Richie had tried to push it away, only to have Santanico manipulate him into choosing the path she wanted. He understood why she did it, but it didn't change the simple facts.]

There was a prophecy in the Popol Vuh that spoke of two brothers fighting against the gods and beating them at their own game. That's why we were being led there, to fulfill it, and they were going to get it done no matter what it took. It had to happen.

[Kate inhales sharply, her mouth falling open as she immediately goes to reject the notion that she didn't belong with her family. He doesn't say it to cause her pain but she can't pretend like hearing those words spoken out loud doesn't cut through her.

Was he wrong, though?

She had tried, so hard to keep her family together, from the moment her mother died to the moment she freed Scott's hands in their former home in Bethel. Everything she'd gone through had been about trying to make it work and while so much of what Richie said, makes sense, even to her? It hurts to think that maybe, she was fighting a losing battle because she was the one who didn't belong, like oil repelling water.

Just because there was truth in something didn't mean it was always best to speak it out loud.

She doesn't pull her hand free from his but she does remove one to brush her hair behind her ear, Kate swallowing past the lump of emotion that's welled, rather painfully in her throat.

Knowing she can't remain in silence, Kate desperately tries to put the mask in place, not wanting him to see the hurt, the conflict that stirs inside of her now.]

Yeah... [The smile she attempts to summon appearing cracked - broken. Not because she couldn't see what he was saying, but because she could.] Maybe if things had been different.

[His brows furrow almost sadly.]

But they can be now. Can't they?

[This could be his second chance. He could fix things, make them better, pick up the pieces of his life. He couldn't get to Seth, not right now, but he could try to do this, make her life something similar to whole again, make sure she survived to get there.

He reaches up, placing his free hand against her face, tilting his own to try and look past her shattered features, to try and understand what he'd done to cause them.]

Are you okay? Did I say something wrong?

[And then on top of sadness and the painful realizations of the last minute, guilt rolls through her at the change in Richie's face, the vulnerability that comes with his uncertainty and it's enough to see her mask start to crack.

Her own free hand moves to cover his, mirroring what he'd done with her outside in the snow as she tries to get a handle on the emotional storm brewing inside of her. Kate closes her eyes, as if doing so will keep any tears that want to fall from breaching their cage of lashes and the hand entwined with his, squeezes as she puts herself into some kind of order.]

They already are different. [Her voice taking on a husky quality as she forces her eyes open again, knowing she needs to explain, offer some kind of reassurance while trying to keep the hurt from overwhelming.]

You didn't say anything wrong. [Which was true in one sense.] It's just... [Kate struggles with the words, the muscles in her face tensing as she tries to control every flicker of emotion.] It's somethin' Scott said.

[She could still hear it, the pain in his voice as the words were ripped out of him and at the time, she'd been so angry she hadn't cared. He'd deserved pain for what he'd done to their father but now? Feeling what he must have felt?]

I never really was a part of this family. [They were Scott's words but right now, they could have been her own.] I never really got that before.

People say stupid shit when they're in a bad place. And if he cut you out, then it's his loss, not yours.

[He'd seen it. She'd done everything she could to save him.

In the end, she had. But he couldn't tell her that. Not right now.]

Not everything lasts forever. That doesn't mean it didn't ever exist.

[Sometimes eternity isn't forever, Richie.

His thumb runs over her cheek as if to catch tears he knows should be there, but aren't.]

You're allowed to cry, you know. Even I cried not that long ago. It doesn't make you weak.

[But it wasn't just his loss because she felt it every day, the weight of knowing she'd let her Daddy down, of letting Scott down too. She talked about how important it was to hold onto your family, to stick together and yet she'd abandoned Scott first. Maybe in a way, that's why it mattered so much to her that Seth and Richie worked things out. She couldn't keep her own family together but maybe she could see them make better choices.

The stroke of his thumb sees her turn her head into it, selfishly wanting to take whatever comfort she can find, even if she doesn't feel like she deserves it.]

I'm tired of cryin'. [She wanted to get angry, to get hard, to become somebody who could weather this shit so she could finally do something about it. She needed to overcome her fear, her misery and make things happen.

The idea of him crying, though? It didn't sound so crazy to her, that Richie could be emotional that is, but it did make her wonder again about how over Santanico he could possibly be.]

You... [Trying hard not to appear jealous.] She hurt you that much?

[His eyes follow the path of her lips as they turn toward his hand, but her words quickly pull him back into focus in regards to the conversation.

His eyebrows immediately draw together in confusion, his thumb stilling for a moment against her skin.]

What? Her? No.

[He looks almost offended by that assumption and is more than happy to correct her.]

That big ass Culebra that came after you and Seth? He caught up with us. We took him down, but not before he messed up Uncle Eddie really bad. [A beat as his expression sobers up at the memory.] He didn't want me to save him.

[For her it was a logical leap to make. Despite what he'd said, she'd half believed that maybe, Richie still cared more than he was letting on, that he might not be as over her as he believed he was. As wrong as she should feel for it? Kate can't deny that there's something, not satisfying perhaps, but almost reassuring about how confused he'd been and just how quickly he rejected the idea that it had anything to do with Santanico.

He'd see as well as feel her tense up when he mentions the Culebra, the image of Rafa burning up in the sun, flashing behind her eyes but Richie's own confession makes any resurgence of pain fleeting, Kate's mouth falling open, as his words sink in.

You're not the only one who lost everything.]

Richie. [Her heart in her mouth as every detail of that story paints a picture, more awful than anything she could have imagined. To lose him was one thing but for it to be because of the Culebra world, for his Uncle to reject being saved? She understands it but she doubts that trying to explain it to Richie will help him right now.]

I - [But what can she say to that? What can anyone say when they know that words aren't going to fix it. Instead, she turns her head, presses her lips to the palm of his hand, offering him comfort instead as she meets his gaze once more.] I'm so sorry.

[His eyes settle again on her lips as they press into the palm of his hand, and while she has no idea what that location might mean in context, it still stirs strange emotions in his gut. What she refused before she has seemingly since accepted in him, and while maybe she didn't want to be like him, that didn't mean she wasn't okay with what he was.

For now, anyway. He knew there were things she would find out eventually, after which she might refuse him all over again.

It was hard to know. Looking at her now, he would have thought her incapable of the words she'd thrown at him in her last breath. But he knows all too well what she can do when she's lost hope.]

You don't need to be. [The words are distant and far away, as if he's only half thinking about them as he speaks.] It was our fault. We broke his code and we got him involved.

Richie. [Stronger this time, as now it's Kate's turn to focus him on her.] It's not your fault.

[And she believes that, despite what he's just said, just as she believes he couldn't be blamed for what happened in Mexico and every day since.]

You can regret the choices you made but you can't beat yourself up about them from now until the end of time. [And it's clear she means every word of it, that she's taking his pain, his guilt into her own heart and hurting for him.] He loved you.

[Because of course he did, right? Because he took them in after their Daddy... He loved them, or he never would have gotten involved in whatever Richie was talking about.]

Best way you can show you love him is by doing what I bet he would if he were here now. [The hand not entwined with his, now moves to his chest, her palm lightly covering his heart.] Forgive yourself.

He wanted us to take care of each other. [Him and Seth.] We finished the job for him.

[Taking fault in what happened didn't mean he didn't forgive himself for what happened. He just wishes that people would stop thinking that death, that leaving him, was better than the alternative.

It sucked, and it hurt, even if he knew the reasons why weren't what his first instincts were.

His head dips down, eyes lowering to the hand on his chest, lips parted slightly as he feels his heartbeat thumping steadily against her palm, a reminder that despite dying, he's still alive.

And so is she.

His eyes lift again, something stormy in their depths as he seems to hesitate before he asks her something more important.]

Do you forgive me?

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