+ Guilt Runs Deep

[vitaelamorte]

Who: Everyone!
Where: The Mansion
When: Feb 23-25
Rating: Please warn in top level subject lines for potential triggers/NSFW
Summary: Various residents are trapped in their own guilt, watching their guiltiest memory play on a loop.
The Story:

Welcome to the gathering post for the event. Please see the plotting post for more information + the bulletin board link. Have fun!

Comments

chloe decker | ota

[thevulnerability]

[ In a perfect world, Chloe wouldn't be here.

Not even a perfect world. In her world, in the place where things made sense to her (most of the times), where the lines between right and wrong were more clear, where she doesn't cross them.

She bound for Heaven in her world, but Wonderland has strayed her towards Hell.

Chloe's hellscape will be familiar to anyone who has been in Wonderland for more than three months. It's the Harvest Event from the year before. A chilly, rural scene, vaguely haunting but not particularly memorable, at least for most people. Except for the interaction she has with the bloodied man chained to the post. That was memorable for Chloe.

At first, she is just going through the motions, unaware of what is happening. Once it begins to sink in, once she has been through the cycle a few times, awareness dawns on her--Lucifer had told her about this or, at least, something similar--and regardless of whether or not the Hell from her world has truly found its way into Wonderland, Chloe believes this is what she deserves. ]

Tell me what you're really trying to do here and I'll consider letting you go.

[ She doesn't mean it. She never meant it. ]

You'd rather trust monsters. How long do you have until they turn on you?

[ She doesn't know who she was, then. The woman who turned into the very monsters she didn't believe in. ]

Good luck. I hope the monsters you're so afraid of don't eat you.

[ She leaves him. She always leaves him. Even when she tries to change it, tries to untie him, to talk more sense into him, to talk sense into herself, it ends the same way. And each time it resets the guilt embeds deeper into her, so deeply ingrained that she doesn't know who she is anymore without it. ]

[poppycock]

You'd rather trust monsters. How long do you have until they turn on you?

( he was concerned.

it only took a trip into freya's rooms to get a sense of what might be plaguing the rest of the mansion, the oh-so helpful network message notwithstanding. as to his own guilt, he cannot countenance it; perhaps he doesn't have enough of it to matter. perhaps he's had too much to go around. regardless, when he strolls into chloe's rooms, his eyes falling upon a scenario he has only heard about from chloe herself, he's not surprised.

nor does the doctor's warning surprise him either. some might call it prophetic.

his throat tightens; he shifts on his feet.

he collects himself as chloe stands. )

We might, you know.

[thevulnerability]

[ She doesn't move to look at him. Chloe is acutely aware he is there; she doesn't have to turn to know it's Klaus who has entered her room. Her eyes are still locked on the now unconscious Leo Fitz, frighteningly beaten and blissfully silent. ]

You don't think I know that?

[ Somewhere beneath her self-loathing, there is offense. Chloe hasn't always been so trusting; after her ostracization from the department in the wake of her accusing Malcolm Graham of corruption, she shut herself off from everyone. Lucifer changed that. So did Wonderland. After a while, it had been easy to fall back into trusting, into believing in the people around her.

Lucifer broke her heart. Marcus lied to her. Dan betrayed her. Klaus, apparently, thinks she's a fool. Maybe she is. ]

You say it like there isn't a chance I'd turn on you, too.

[ Because, really, who is the monster right now? ]

[poppycock]

( klaus has never been trusting. not since he was a boy, and even then the comfort of the mother he blindly believed was tainted by her inaction at his father's fists marring his skin. he has, however, often discounted and underestimated the affect of others. he does not mean their capabilities, though he has certainly made errors in expecting those.

he does not consider the blow they can make on him: sometimes out of pride, sometimes necessity, but every now and then because he does not realize how much he cares until they do.

he knows how much he cares for chloe. he knows what he would be capable of despite that. only in this moment does he consider her own cognizance of their circumstances, their natures, their priorities. it does not surprise him. it does not comfort nor disturb him. in this moment, it simply is. )

Perhaps you would, ( he concedes quietly. ) But you would not win. ( that simply is, too. )

[thevulnerability]

[ She let Seth kill her, when it came down to protecting him and Lucifer. She asked him to. She knows she would do the same with Klaus, and that he wouldn't hesitate.

Still, she stares at Fitz, her eyes misting, the familiar pressure behind her eyes promising tears. What would it take, for her to turn on someone she loved? It took murder for her to turn on a virtual stranger, but she didn't know anyone who killed anyone before Wonderland, besides herself.

And Klaus is more that capable of it. She knows that much. ]

I know. [ She agrees. He would rip her apart in a heartbeat. He almost has before. But she loves him, despite herself. Maybe that enough is worth the risk. ] I don't know if I ever told you what ended my marriage. Dan spent months telling me I was crazy. Just to save his own ass. [ The betrayal had cut deep, when she finally learned the truth. She learned to forgive him, but what other choice did she have? ] I know what I'm worth to people in the end.

[ It's so simple to hurt her, to break her. She's learning that, now. That no matter what she does, no matter how hard she tries, she will always truly be alone.

Maybe they all are. ]

[poppycock]

( klaus' sigh is heavy, audible in the silence, but soft and shaky on the exhale. he looks down, away, at the easy sadness and helplessness of her conclusion—

it's not a new portrait, the picture she paints. it's not a new story; it's perhaps the oldest one in the book. cain and abel. loved one betrays the other, and leaves them bleeding.

he understands. he understands and it pierces him through, because he does not want to be that person to her. perhaps he doesn't have to be. because if she knows he would win, then he knows she would fight.

he knows what she's doing now. right or wrong, good or bad, betrayer or victim. it does not change what's truly in front of her. ) Feeling sorry for yourself is what got you here. It's certainly not what's going to see you out.

[persevere]

[Chloe is, probably, the furthest thing from evil that Caroline can think of in Wonderland. If anyone deserves to go straight to Heaven someday, it's her, and yet she hasn't seen her in too long.

Given what she's learned about this event, that worries her a lot.

She watches the scene unfold, her throat achingly dry. She's been the one in that chair, left to starve or held hostage. But she's also been Chloe, trying to survive in ways that she'd never expected, feeling the guilt of things she's done for years afterward.

At some point, you have to let it go.]

...Chloe.

[thevulnerability]

[ Chloe saw it. She knows what Caroline had gone through, because she saw it. And she wanted to kill her father for what he put her through, for the harm that came upon her.

Not just the physical pain, but the betrayal of someone she trusted. And now, Chloe is no better. ]

I really don't want you to see this. [ She turns to look at her, shaking her head. ] Just go.

[ She can't bear the thought of Caroline seeing what she's become. ]

[persevere]

[Caroline presses her lips together, shaking her head.]

You didn't do anything wrong.

[She says it plainly, firmly.]

I'm honestly not even sure what there could be about all this that you regret. I wouldn't have let him go, either.

[And the way she is now, she wouldn't have thought twice about it.]

[thevulnerability]

But I should have. This isn't who I am.

[ Maybe she's naive. Maybe, given eternal life and the challenges immortals face, she would see it differently. But that isn't who she is. She only has so long in this world, and there isn't time for her to turn her back on her own morality. ]

This isn't about Fitz. Not really.

[persevere]

You're a cop, Chloe. You would have done everything you could to keep someone like him in custody, right? So he couldn't hurt anyone?

[Maybe she wouldn't have done what Freya or Klaus might do to someone like him, but Chloe didn't do any of those things.]

There's no police department here. No justice system. You did the best you could.

[She's glad this isn't about Fitz, though.]

Even if it's not about him, he's the only monster in this room.

[hypoxic]

[She leaves him. Over and over again, she abandons him and leaves him in the care of wretched beasts he loathes. But after one loop, she'll turn away from the injured, tortured man and find him still present, well-dressed and clean, hands settled on his hips in an open accusation.]

"To serve and protect." That's still the motto, yes?

[thevulnerability]

[ She's not surprised he showed up, and her face shows her apathy. This is her Hell, and she deserves it, as far as she's concerned. ]

I bet you're loving this. [ The only thing that surprises her is that he isn't in his own version of Hell. But Lucifer did warn her about what his father was capable of. She tried to be good, and one misstep ruined it all. ]

[hypoxic]

Much more than I enjoyed enduring that, I assure you.

[But he doesn't seem to mind standing here to watch the loop happen. She deserves to suffer this way.]

I'm told they killed me shortly after that. I have no way of knowing whether I've been told the truth. Pity, that. It could have all been much simpler if you'd simply done something.

[thevulnerability]

They would have killed you whether I did something or not.

[ Not that it makes it any better. In a way, it makes it worse. ]

For all I know, you would have killed me if I let you go. [ Yet, she's still here. Fronting that she has no regrets is already patently false. ] You've made it pretty obvious that you don't care about the casualties in your make believe war.

[hypoxic]

I didn't have a reason to kill you. Then.

[He certainly has one now, all things considered. But with his limited bouts of freedom, casual revenge is unproductive. It doesn't give him nearly enough time to handle his business when he's most likely got a vampire trailing him.]

But at least then you wouldn't be left wondering what might have been.

[itchtokill]

Well, this is certainly a familiar scene, isn't it? Not even all that long ago, in the scheme of things. Kol can't hate getting a chance to relive seeing the supernatural zealot unconscious and bloodied on the ground. Call him petty, but he does tend to lean toward making a mess of his enemies, and the kicks he gets from it might say more about him as a person than anything else. But still. Chloe is... a person he knows and doesn't hate in this place. They don't particularly see eye-to-eye much, but 'person I don't hate' is a step up in the Kol Mikaelson acquaintance levels, so perhaps it should be called a win. "I know proper justice is more your thing, but there's an appeal to the eye-for-an-eye philosophy, don't you think?" Apologies if he's too cavalier for your tastes just now, Chloe.

[thevulnerability]

"Yeah, there's an appeal."

She glances at Fitz's crumpled form. It was an appeal she gave into, and that's how she wound up where she is. The onslaught of Mikaelsons isn't helping. She wonders if Klaus is right, if the system really is flawed.

Of if they have just paid their penance by their very nature, in a way that isn't possible for her.

"It doesn't make it right."

[itchtokill]

"Wrong, right..." He waves one hand in a dismissive manner, "they're just opinions, when you get down to it. Answer changes, depending on who you ask, so...who's to say what is actually right or wrong?" Kol is, perhaps, almost disturbingly okay and at ease with this scene. Truthfully, it's tame compared to actual atrocities he's committed in the past. "What would you have done, should you have a real chance to go back and change things?" He's genuinely curious.

[thevulnerability]

"Do you really want to have a philosophical conversation about right and wrong here?"

Granted, what better place to do it than in Hell itself? But the fact that he's free and she isn't speaks to his own argument. The different between right and wrong isn't as clear cut as she once believed it to be.

"I don't know," she admits. "I really don't."

[itchtokill]

"Is there any good time for these things?" He perks a brow at her. "And anyway, you're feeling some sort of way about this. I'd wager you need to talk about it." Even if she doesn't want to. "Maybe that just means you wouldn't do it different."

[deathlessness]

[Freya's tried to avoid other people's rooms for the most part after having been liberated from her own, but she hears Chloe's voice and she can't help herself. She slides into the room and watches as the scene plays out.

Honestly, Fitz isn't wrong, especially considering she's friends with Mikaelsons. But at the same time, she knows that Fitz was doing it to get under her skin, to try and get the upper hand.]

You have to really admire the dedication to the company line.

[She says casually, leaning in the doorway as she watches the scene. It's not really a true compliment, but more of an observation.]

[thevulnerability]

[ Chloe manages to step away from Fitz, turning her attention to Freya. It's not surprising she's there; Chloe has managed to step into more horrible memories behind the people in her world than Chloe would like to admit.

It's only fair that Freya finds her at rock bottom. ]

I think he actually believes it. [ She voices what Freya is thinking, only because she's had so much time to ponder on it now. ] But he's not wrong, though, is he?

[ People around the Mikaelsons tend to die. Even Chloe has picked up on that. ]

[deathlessness]

Not entirely, no.

[She pauses as she tries to articulate it.]

If it's not us giving in to our violent natures, sometimes it's just by virtue to of the fact that it is much harder to hurt is, so why not hurt something we care about instead. We don't always protect the things we love as well as we should.

[thevulnerability]

[ We don't always protect the things we love as well as we should.

Chloe lets out a slow sigh. Whether she likes it or not, Chloe knows she will always be one of those 'things.' Here in Wonderland or back home, she's started to understand how often she's been used as a pawn, especially when it comes to Lucifer.

But she also knows she wouldn't change it given the opportunity. She cares too much. ]

We must seem so small to you. A few decades for a mortal is barely a blip in the grand scheme of things.