She thought he wasn't interested--until he said he would have to sex-ray her entire body!

[itsahotone]

Who: Santana, and anyone else your little heart desires.
Where: Everywherrrrre, muhahaha!
When: ...Thursday, I guess. It can go on as long as you want, baby.
Rating: R/nc17 for language. Don't blame ME, blame the magazine.
Summary: Santana's bored, so she's leaving Cosmo magazines around for everyone to find. Check out the sex tips!
The Story:

Look, a girl needs to find her own entertainment around here.

Don't ask how she got the idea, but since it was a brilliant and amazing one, she's just gonna go with it.

Post-event is always boring, so she's just gonna liven it up! That's all. It's helpful.

So she spends some time getting a bunch of issues of Cosmopolitan from the closet, then she spends way more time than needed going through them. She highlights and circles and even draws some arrows to the best parts, things that say stuff like:

Try this kinky trick: Color your nipples with a crazy-colored lipstick, like sparkly purple. Bonus points if it's yummy. He'll love the shocking, sexy change in scenery!

"I dated this guy who tasted really funky down there, but I didn't want to confront him about it. So I told him I was going to suck on a strong mint while going downtown to give him a tingly sensation... which he loved."

Wrap a belt around each of his thighs. This will push more blood into his penis, making his erection feel even harder.

Give yourself goose bumps by sweeping a new, clean toothbrush over the curves of your neck and collarbone.

This featherlight touch will have you both tingling: While still kneeling between his legs, dab flavored lube on your nipples. Then cup one of your breasts in your hand, and slide the top of your nipple from the bottom of his testicles to the tip of his shaft, circling the head and then sliding it back down.

Look at him as you run your chin from his chest to his crotch.

Put lube on your nipples, then trace circles on his bare back.

Flutter your eyelashes against his boys for a sweet little tease.

Have him squeeze lube onto his penis, then swirl your body over his shaft to spread it.

Keep a glass of ice water on the bedstand, and once you've both climaxed, take a drink, holding and swirling the cool liquid in your mouth before swallowing. Then immediately envelop his balls with your lips, one at a time.

...And etc etc.

Once that's all done, she goes around the mansion, all floors, indoors and out, and places the magazines in random areas. Some are open, some aren't. It's like an easter egg hunt, only hopefully with a lot more confusion and chaos!


[if you wish to actually speak to Santana, just make it clear in your tags, otherwise she's not around once your darlings find this magical and 100% correct advice.]

Comments

[reckless_eagle]

...I'm gonna go get the holy water, ok?

[Maybe the closet will give him enough to, like, scrub the hallway with. What if this is the work of some kind of super gross demon?]

[cautious_knight]

I think burning it works better.

[Call him superstitious, but there is nothing better than burning evil things. It's even an accepted thing to do in the church, so that works with that, too.

Though his thoughts keep returning to the contents. Who would even write something like that...?!]

[reckless_eagle]

We could like, burn it, then put it out with holy water?

[COMPROMISE.]

[...He's trying not to think about the contents at all, both because they gross him out, and because he tries not to think about sex around Liet, like, ever. It would just make things har--um, more difficult.]

[cautious_knight]

[Lithuania nods slowly and then frowns.]

Do you think there are more of these around the house?

[reckless_eagle]

No clue. I...

[He looks around, then points.]

...There.

[And it looks like that one's lying open! He is deeply afraid to get close enough to see what unholy things it says.]

[cautious_knight]

[Lithuania walks over to the magazine with a posture that is something between that of a cat looking for prey and a human having to clear out sai cat's fresh feces.

He cannot keep himself from seeing a few words before picking it up and holding it so he doesn't have to see it, though. And stops, just staring for a moment.

His 6 Secret Sex Spots!!!!
The shaft of his penis
[insert description here]
His testicles
[insert description here]
The base of his penis
[insert description here]
The head of his penis
His perineum
[insert description here]

...]

But that are only five.

[reckless_eagle]

[Poland follows after him, peering over his shoulder to see what he's talking abou--]

[He makes a strangled, squeaky little noise of embarrassment, going bright red and hiding his face against Liet's shoulder.]

W-Would you like, even want to see another one?

[...He can think of one. Oh, God, he can think of one, and he's close to too embarrassed to breathe.]

[cautious_knight]

I don't think all of these are-

[and then the part of his brain that is concerned with decency catches up with the part that is about decency. Sure, he cannot see more than a few of these (because on himself he would need a mirror and WHY WOULD YOU and on someone else

trying to think about something else. Really, why would you want to see places like the perineum? Unless you are a doctor and someone has injuries that Lithuania does not even want to think about...]

N-never mind!

[reckless_eagle]

Right, so just, like, count yourself lucky!

[Yeah, that one's definitely weird. But it's not like the other ones are a big secret? Like, oh my God, call the press, guys like having their dicks touched during sex!]

[...Is what he would say, mockingly, if he weren't still so embarrassed that he's hiding behind Liet from the magazine.]

[cautious_knight]

[That does not help with getting somewhere to burn this... but he will stand there until Poland shifts into a position where Lithuania doesn't have to fear the blond falling on his face if he moves.

But that was a weird sentence.]

...Lucky?

[reckless_eagle]

T-That there like, weren't more!

[cautious_knight]

...

M-magazines, right?

[reckless_eagle]

...Things on the list?

[cautious_knight]

...I'm not sure what else they could have come up with.

[He's also trying very hard to keep his mind from following down that train of thought.]

[reckless_eagle]

[Poland's memory not-so-helpfully supplies some ideas!]

[He covers his mouth with his hands to keep them from somehow trying to get out on their own, blushing dark red, scandalizing himself at this point.]

[cautious_knight]

M-maybe you should go back to the room and get a fire going, and I'll make sure that none of these lie around and then come back?

[Reducing the awkward by splitting up!]

[reckless_eagle]

Y-Yeah, ok!

[If be "get a fire going", you mean "hide... umm, where... hide under the bed!"]

[cautious_knight]

...Poland?

[He's confused when he comes back - where is his partner? He'll drop the magazines into the fireplace and go over to the closet to get some straw and other things that will make them burn as quickly as possible. Priorities. He'll look for his partner after this is done.]

[reckless_eagle]

[While Liet has his back turned to the bed, he tries to just... sneak out from under there before he can see, and pretend like nothing unusual just happened.]

H-Hey, Liet? What's... ummm.... what's up?

[Yes, Poland is SO skilled at the art of deception.]

[cautious_knight]

It's burning.

[Not that the temperature in the room demands a fire, but it really feels a lot better now.]

[reckless_eagle]

Oh. That's cool.

[Don't think about getting fucked, don't think about getting fucked, don't think about getting fucked...]

[cautious_knight]

Is...

[Sure, they were really embarrassing, but Poland's reaction still is a bit odd. Not that Poland's reactions aren't odd rather frequently, but this is a not a Poland-odd.]

Are you alright?

[reckless_eagle]

Y-Yeah, totally! Ahahaha, ohmigod, Liet, why wouldn't I be?

[cautious_knight]

[He won't point out the obvious.]

Do you want to go riding or swimming?

[A distraction would definitely be a good idea.]

[reckless_eagle]

Swimming.

[Cold water... Yes, swimming could help!]